h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Well, hello Mishter Yclept, thish looksh like a shcrape you're in, doeshn't it? An poor, Mishter Martensh, I don' shupposhe there'sh a way of shavin' him ish there?

Now you lishten, Yclept. I'm na totally opposhed to you, na in the leasht. An I tink you an me, we can help eash other out, if y'know wha' I mean.

*Suddenly, Martens discovers a gift of psycomunication, which conveniently allows for speaking with nearby spirits*


Of course there's a way to aid Martens, but I doubt that you could muster the proper tools and magic to do so. Right now, Martens is considering just how long and nerve-wracking a life no longer his own would be.

But in any event, I don't know what you mean. Certainly I know that you could get me out of these ropes, perhaps even drop the Soulstone and a bound and gagged Sarah Briggs into my waiting arms, but what is it that you would possibly want from me? Do you need me to take care of your unfinished buisiness for you? Or perhaps there is another spirit that you wish vanquished. Or do you dream of resurrection?

In any event, tell me just how I could return the favors that you would grant me, and why you suddenly seem so interested in turning on your those that you have been allied with before now.

Na, my needsh ish nothin sho big. Ya shee, ever shinsh you locked me in tha' bottle, I hash a tashte for the liquor, ya know. Na' that I didn' have a tashte for it a'fore, no, me an Eddie coul' shpend daysh at a time in
hic!
doin' shome sherioush drinkin.

Na, shee wha' I need ish in the bottle, an Missh Uli hash mosht of what'sh left in her p'sheshin. Sho I hash thish plan, I tellsh them that we shoul'get you drunk, sho'sh you can't shay proper shpellsh, an then they'll gi'you the liquor, an you can gi' it to me.

Bye th'way, d'you kill Eddie?
hic!

First of all, who is this Eddie? I've killed lots of people, but I don't know who this "Eddie" person is.

Second of all, I see how wonderfully well your plan to get alcohol might work, if not for the fact that 1) there's nothing preventing them from just pouring the alcohol down my throat with my hands still tied around this mast, and 2) once you've gotten the alcohol, you might be too drunk to get me off of this mast.

But if you free me, I will give you alcohol. If I can get the alcohol from Uli that will be my payment, but if not, then I will provide you with alcohol after my rise to power.

Yesh, yesh, but ya' shee, if they'sh to pour th'alcohol down yer throat, they'sh gonna have to remove the gag, an' then you can shpell shomethin'. Shee, shinsh I'm givin you a warnin', you can think up a good shpellin, an shay it 'fore they get the gag back in. I can hep you think a' shpell up...

Tweedle dum an tweedle dee
untie theshe knotsh an shet me free

or shomethin.

An' I think you knowsh Eddie, fro'Baltimore. He named ya in hish poemsh.

~ Notices he is speaking to a dead body, and heads off to find Uli. ~