h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Liquid bread is very likely to go down chutes -- such as, for instance, the gullets of the people nearest to it.

this is my experience also

Attendance at the Lighthouse Bar is declining. Could we revive interest by starting karaoke twice a week?

You mean instead of seven? Yeah, that might w*rk

or maybe just remind folks that they don't have to pay for drinks here

Less karaoke and more free drinks? Yes, I believe that's the way to go

That's karaokay with me.

We could play games. Like drinking contests, russian roulette and punk tennis. The latter is like ordinary tennis, only played with a hand grenade without safety catch. Winner takes it all - unless the grenade goes off halfway, in which case it's a draw

Wouldn't it get pretty expensive to keep replacing the tennis rackets?

Hmmm, yes, good point. What would you suggest?

We could ask the who come here to take turns telling stories about their life on the high seas.

That's a good idea. If they served homemade or something else to nibble on while listening to their yarns we could have a jolly cozy time. The bar is free anyway

I'll start the storytelling:

We were about a hundred knots out from Nantucket when we saw, on the starboard side, a pod of right whales. They were wearing green hats and singing "Danny Buoy." The first mate yelled to them, "You're too late! Saint Patrick's Day was two days ago." The whales ignored him as they proceeded to an Easter Egg hunt. Then they danced a Morris Dance. You should have seen them cavorting in the water! The captain was not amused, as their splashing was making the boat tip dangerously. Just then, seeing our distress, some mermaids came over from an island and towed us there so our could make good use of their services.

Ah yes, I remember it clearly, the dance of the seven whales

Here's one I bet the captain remembers. We took a trip through the center of the earth to reach Australia, and we happended to have an Admiral aboard who was an ice Pokemon. She was so perturbed by the outside temperature on the ship while we were going through the magma that she went and hid in one of our freezers aboard the Blood. Actually our SEP fields were making the outside temperature someone elses problem and the temperature inside the ship remained comfortable. The Admiral didn't know this but of course Captain Pierce did and he wondered where she went. We emerged in a dry lake in Australia and had to tow the ship back to the ocean with camels.Finally we were back on water and the Admiral emerged and accused us of trying to melt her . What a jolly time that was.

funny indeed. Last I heard from her she had gone in hiding somewhere in China

She's in the china cupboard?

She might. I haven't used china since I don't know when. A tin plate and drinking from the bottle is posh enough for me

In that case,I'm sure you've heard the tale of the pirate's tin plate and bottle that ran off with each other many years ago.