h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

My grandad on my dads side was so evil he used to light the fire on Xmas eve.

Ba humbug he used to say.

what's wrong with lighting the fire

was he jim morrison by any chance?

Father Xmas used to come down the chimney, unless the fire was lit.

ah, i see. that explains a lot

my house is electrically heated

* stumbles in *

* grabs a drink *

* and then another *

* and then another *

* and then another *

hic

!!!!

you finally made it back from the liquor hold with fresh supplies?

I'm glad to see that Lighthousegirl is making up for lost time.

indeed

Cap'tn

* pours herself another drink *

Did you miss me then?

oh but of course i missed you

not only the refreshments, oh no - could they be called restockments, by the way

anyway, what've you been up to of late?

Yes, please tell us, Light.

Well - if you are sitting comfortably I will begin ...

First I was kidnapped by another group of Pirates while on my way to find some exciting new drinks for you all. They were not a friendly bunch at all and they chained me up in a small dark room.

There I befrended the Zogfz - a small race of rodent like creatures about the size of a ping pong ball and almost as bouncy. They are gold in colour and the priates had imprisoned them assuming that they were made of gold. They spent much of their time worrying about being flattened by the pirates and used as immitation gold coins.

The Zogfz were a friendly bunch and have amazingly sharp teeth. Eventually they were able to chew through my chains and I helped them escape.

We were in a strange city full of purple people (no not wearing purple - they actually were purple) with three heads. We tried to blend in as they all carried guns. We were not very successful at this and were taken to the castle to see their leader. Unluckily for me the prince fell in love with me - it meant we were not shot but it did mean I was expected to get * shudder * married.

I accepted the Princes offer in exchange for the Zogfz's freedom. Luckily I was able to persuade the prince that we needed to have a long engagement and several months of high living followed. Everything in the castle was purple and they only ate purple food. I used to like purple!

Eventually I persuaded the prince that we should travel to see my family before the wedding - and we set off in a purple boat with purple sails. The purple crew kept watch on my night and day.

Slowly I worked out their routeen and realised that each night at 2.07 there was a 30 second window when I was not being watched. I planned my escape.

Once I had escaped the ship with my inflatable life raft and a disguise the colour of the sea I floated for fifty days and fifty nights, living only on the things I had with me.

I was found, unconcious and having lost my memory by a group of friendly nuns who nursed me back to health and looked after me while I did not know who I was.

Slowly the memories came back - originally the nuns did not believe my stories of pirate ships and high jynx. I was not sure I believed them either.

Then I found this

* holds up a locket with a picture of the Captain and the crew *

I started to wonder who you all were and then why I was behind the bar. I started to remember how to mix drinks and with the help of the nuns soon found my love of keeping a bar. After a very memorable night when the nuns had all had way too much greeh they suggested I leave and try to find you all.

So for the last year or so I have been traveeling the earth and skys searcing for you - hearing stories of your visits but no one knew where to find you

The yesterday I saw the most beautiful sight in the whole universe

The Lighthouse Bar!




Or did you want the truth?

He doesn't want the truth. He wants a
Did you know I have wassail on the foredeck

I just stopped by to get a keg of Peach brandy to make another batch.

That's a beautiful story, Lighthousegirl.

If it's not exactly the truth, can we help you make it true? We probably have some prince-like researchers here, and you aren't going to end up marrying them anyway.

Not much happens to me, I have plenty of rodents though, but they seem to like it here.

Are you volunteering your rodents for the reenactment of Light's story?

Yep, but I haven't got a purple prince, will a couple of tortoise shells do for a lifeboat.

I think I can scrounge up some purple lenses to put over the spotlights so that everyone will *look* purple even if they aren't.