h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

No, sorry, this is not the galley. This is the bridge!
*Fiddles with buttons on intercom*
Trying to transfer you to the galley. By the way ...anything to report from the crows nest, while we're on the line?

I think the galllley is vacant. But I have a lllook. Perhaps I'm there.

Oh great! Crossed line. Now I can hear the gallllllley and the Crows Nest, but they can't hear each other!
*Pushes all buttons on intercom at random*

Hello? Hello?

*The intercom disgorges a chicken soup with extra milk and sugar*

Where's the curry?

What in the name of Eccentrica Gallumbits is going on here
soup without curry?

Never did hear back from the crow's nest! I wonder what's happening there?

~ring ring ring~

Hi! Is this Mr. Yossarian? Hello? Cannon?? Helllloooo?

*comes on over the intercom*
Um, hey, everyone, i just wanted to say that...huh? whats that?!?!?... ICEBURG! Turn! Begin evasive manuvers!.....Just kidding... the only ice around here is in your drinks

*walks up to intercom*

Fish!
Fish!
Fish!
Fish!
Fish!
Fish!
Fish!

*apologises to all for the BAD Red Dwarf joke*

"I put all engines Full Astern, and set the wheel hard a'Starboard, Captain" Oh, no ...sorry - different ship, different iceberg

~listening... realizes this is not in fact the Cannoneer and quietly hangs up~

~ring ring ring~

Hello? Hello? Is this The Bridge? Could you take me off speakerphone for a minute? Thanks! (whispers) There is a party in the Crow's Nest because Average Joe is turning 21 on Wednesday! You are all invited to come on up and join us! Bring friends! One more thing, I am having trouble contacting the Figurehead and the Cannoneer. We wanted a 21 gun salute, and they should join us too. Tell Gw7en she should pry herself away! Also... as I am supposed to be working up here at looking out for things, and NOT having parties, please DON'T TELL THE CAPTAIN! Thanks!!

Excuse me, I was just wondering if we are in danger of landing anywhere at all at some point in the future?

As much as I love cruising and the odd bit of y action, the odd sightseeing tour might make a change.

I suppose we could land somewhere. Here's the chart ...now let me see if I remember right ...The blue bits are the sea ...that's good - co's here's our position - on the blue bit ...and the yellow bits are the land ...so ...erm ... where did you want to go again?

Which bit of the blue bit are we actually on?

Or shall we just bump into the nearest yellow bit and see what happens?

See that line on the chart? That's our course. Right now we'll be about ...*points* here. By next morning we'll be at the end of that line .... but as for landfall ...well according to the Captain, my job is to avoid hitting the land until he says it's ok ... let's check ..I wouldn't mind a bit of shore leave ...

Yes, we had prolly check with the Cap'n first.

I hope it will be somewhere either nice and hot or all snowy and frosty.