h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Just correcting a spelling mistake
That's why the first draft didn't take
Once POST was hit
Well, that was it
And I needed to do a retake

I'm stuck with a cat on my lap
Who's enjoying a much prolonged nap
Confined to my chair
While she just lies there
A most inconviencing trap

A limerick to post would be great
But the hour is just getting too late
For this fog on my brain
Makes thinking a pain
And so does this cat on my pate

My allergies put up a fuss,
Whenever I get near a puss,
Of the feline variety,
Even with full sobriety,
Eyes water and I start to cuss.

Why do we humans tolerate cats
Freeloading, selfish, and generally bats.
They sharpen their claws
On my Sheraton drawers
and given the chance they pee in my hats !

How pleasant to know Mr Lear
Who's guzzled such volumes of stuff
His runcible hat
Is a doss for his cat
Whose hairballs are perfectly spherical

To rhyme words like stuff to a lear,
Gives pause if not downright fear,
To add words like spherical,
Although very lyrical,
It's laughter it brings, with a tear.

Let's try one about my new shoes
We've nothing of value to lose
Or my old coat
An albino goat
Or one about standing in queues

There once was an albino goat
Who attempted a really high note
But his breath came to naught
When instead it got caught
And blew out the back of his coat

I never know quite what to do
If I'm overtaken when trying to queue
So timid and shy
and tiny am I
And hardly the type to go sue.

I wait till I get to the front
And tell the salesgirl what I want
Then having been served,
But still quite unnerved,
I leave the shop, muttering "..."

(Sorry - scans better if you leave out the "I'm" in line 2)

't seems enthusiasm's starting to wilt
For prolonging this thread we have built
The blame must be mine
with my previous lines
I fear, the conversation I have killed

No limerick killer are you,
No need to be overly blue,
If I had a rhyme,
And a little more thyme,
I'd cook up a doozy for you.

I think T.C. did wreck this thread!
It's gone from vibrant to dead!
What a sad waste!
When a bit of bad taste!
Sends us off to write bad prose instead!



(Just kidding of course)

Zoomer says he would need more time,
To write one of these five-lined rhymes
I'm starting a book
on how long it took
To produce one - is that a crime?

(4 mins 16 secs, but I was eating my lunch at the same time)

I'll do it in three minutes even,
If that makes us all even-steven,
It's not about time,
It's all about rhyme,
And rhythm and sense and believin'

I'm slower than you two, I guess
'Cause I am just this side of clueless
The meter is tough
The rhymes hard enough
And my thoughts, a disorganized mess

For quick limericks of adequate raunchiness
Just pee in the stream of your consciousness
For the best, don't you see
That a limerick can be
Is a fart in a storm of inconsequence.



(I confess, that actually took rather longer than a few minutes)

I guess it should save me some time
by using the same word at the end of each line
But in the passage of time
It gets boring in time
And is unsatisfactory most of the time.

(1 min and 12 secs - with a great loss of quality!)

That last one was really ok,
And for that you deserve a bouquet
Surpassing ok
Is also ok
But no effort is the best part of ok