h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*finally stirs from her fainting fit on the floor*

Thanks Clive, I feel much better for that. I always thought ECT was better than the mumbo jumbo spouted by these so-called therapists.

I'm allergic to gluten and that quack's pizza therapy nearly killed me. Full of GM tomato, too.
He will be hearing from my dry cleaners.

Enough of this nonsense, what this place really needs is a practice manager - part PR, part lawyer, part bouncer. May I present my CV? The salary will have to be, shall we say, sufficient to persuade me not to sue, of course, but I'm sure that won't be a problem, will it?

Welcome back!
You wish to work here? *Eyes gently steaming Pizza still attached to head*.
Yes. I think you will fit in here VERY nicely. There are two free uniforms to choose from - the brown old boiler suit for NHS freeloaders and the nice Anne Summers Nursey outfit for the Private punters.
(Whispers) Helps them part with the cash, know what I mean? wink wink)

As for your Celery - there is as much of that as you like in the garden out back.

Welcome to our happy band!

Ahhh, celery, yes I can put that to good use...

As for uniform, I'm not wearing any of that tat. Anne Summers indeed. I won't get out of bed for anything less than Agent Provocateur... or was it the other way round?

Agent Provocateur you say? On the outside or underneath??

As long as we can distract the Private Punters long enough to perform a cashendectomy on their wallet, then whatever rings your bell!

*Gives her a wad of cash*
GOOD!
Now be off with you to the Agent Provocateur corner shop, buy whatever outfit you wish and be back here with your best wiggle engaged!

NOW!

Where ARE those punters, Hmmmm??

*wiggles*

*flounces off to shop*

*Watches her flounce and wiggle at the same time, a truly rare skill*
*Looks round the Surgery and dusts the counter off*
Where are all those rich punters with fruit based illnesses?

*Wonders what the chances are of taking Narapoia out for a spot of lunch when she comes back kitted out? Has a quick shower, change of undewear and puts on best dry cleaned smoking jacket - looks it the mirror*

I say.............Ding Dong.........!

*Puts Best Of Barry White on the CD while he waits for her return*

Phew! I'm all shopped out! Never thought buying black lacy flimsies would be so exhausting. Terrible trouble getting a balconette in a 34HH, mind, especially in that lovely deep red colour. And the palaver over getting that crepe de chine baby doll 2-piece out of the window cos it was the last one in the shop - well you'd think they'd never heard of customer service.
Get the kettle on, Doctor, there's a dear.

Hang on, there's something different about you. Is it your hair? There's...there's a strange yet tantalising scent to this place that wasn't here before...have you been...? No, no, you wouldn't be THAT unpleasant, it must be...yes! Hey, doc, your jacket's on fire!

Come over here while I get this fire extinguisher to work!

No worries my little Peach Melba, I have simply spontaneously combusted in the presence of your 34HH balcony thing!

What other reaction could a proper gentleman have?

Ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
*Surgery sprinklers come on automatically*

Doctor is put out ans steams gently, but immediately combusts again when he sees the the 34HH Balcony is now WET as well..............

Mumma Mia!!!

This should bring the punters right in!

Good grief I'm soaked!! I sure hope the colour doesn't run. And I'm getting cold - that's the trouble with these epic film set type places, the central heating's always up the spout.



I need a nice fluffy blanket, a pair of cosy slippers and a mug of Green & Black's Organic Hot

But I don't suppose that would have quite the same effect, eh, doc?

Probably not indeed!
But where are my manners - go get your self dried off and cosy and the next time a punter comes in we can set the sprinklers off again, allright?

Hmmm, ok, where do I plug my hairdryer in? Do you have sensible British electricity or the other sort?

*babbles away about the superiority of 240V and the 3 square pin socket ad nauseam*

*tries to think of a way of sabotaging the sprinkler system*

Electrical Current?
We have both kinds, AC and DC!
Which one would you like?

Ooh er!
Just something that will make my hair dryer work, please!
And no course jokes about blow jobs, ok?

Jokes about Blow Jobs? You brought the subject up, but being a perfect gentleman, I would never, EVER joke about Blow Jobs

Erm, yes - your Hair dryer? You could plug it in here and see if it works?

Can't be bothered - it's dried all by itself while I was waiting to see if it was safe.

So, where are all these eager customers of your then?

*The door creaks open and Herr Hamster (Brain of a Traffic Warden, voice of a Foghorn and body of a hampster) creeps in and looks around, closely followed by the Evil Duck Brothers.........Quack Quack*

He quickly writes out a parking ticket for this thread.

THATS FOR THIS THREAD STAYING PARKED STATIONARY FOR TWO WEEKS he whispers softly, breaking windows for a three mile radius.

"Tow it boys" he sneers as he leaves by the back door.....

Well I suppose that's one way of trying to revive interest. I was thinking more in terms of a marketing strategy, focus groups, awareness raising and advertising campaigns, but, well it might work.

Well, short of Semtex it seemed the least I could do.
Where are all the truly insane people when you need them?

So, on to the next wizzard money-making scam then, eh?

We could try going into Telephone Clairvoyancy? You know, idiots ring up and you tell them to marry a short blonde family member and charge them £80 for the privalage!

Either that or become estate agents.............but what a waste of your Agent Provocateur gear!