h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

[The Mogship disappears again. The Moogles onboard are very mad]

[Admiral Yuri] Blastboat Delta and remaining fighter, engage enemy ship Milenium bug and terminate it.

[Blastboat] Yes admiral

[Fighter] Changing attack vector immediately sir



*At the same time*

[Link is piloting the Bug; a Red-Shirted Extra is sitting next to him]

[Link] We've got company! Blastboat and fighter at 3 o'clock!

[Red-Shirted Extra 2] [over intercom] Roger. What should we do until then?

[Link] Blast them outta the sky!

[RSE 1] [Scots accent] Oh, that'll be a bit of a trick, lad.

[Link] Yeah, especially with Red-Shirted Extra Two at the controls.

[The Bug starts firing at the Blastboat and the Fighter]

[Blastboat Commander]Target sheild generators once we get within range

[Blastboat Gunnery Officer]Firing............now!





~In the Fighter~

All right! Finally a real opponent!

[The Bug does some fancy evasive maneuvers and returns fire]

[Link] YEE-HAW!

[Zelda] [over intercom] Watch OUT!

[Link] Oooops!

[One of the shots misses the blastboat and heads in the directon of the Esirpretne]

[Link] Hey -- that gives me an idea! Let's try the Band Maneuver!

[RSE 1] The ...?

[Link] I got it from a TV show called "Space Cases". [heads between the gunboat and the fighter] Now you see us ...

*The onslaught from above and below is too much for the Mangar's shields, which disolve, allowing several shots to impact the ship itself. Damage is minimal, but it is obvious that the Mangar is doomed if it stayed in the fight. The commander gives the order to retreat out of the battle.*


Esirpretne, Bug and Mogship, this is the Mangar. Our shields are gone and we have sustained some minor damage. We are breaking off the fight. Good luck to you.


*The Mangar disappears.*

*The Esirpretne is rocked by the blasts from the Vette. Shields are down to 80%, but the Vette is now within range of some of the Esirpretnes "special" weapons.*

Commander: Fire!

*The polka cannons fire at near point-blank range, and are able to penetrate the shields because standard shields are not configured to resist them. The Vette begins to shake back and forth, throwing off its aim.*

[The Bug is making itself such an easy target, I'm not going to bother ASKING if the Blastboat and the Fighter are going to fire. So, let's assume that they do.]

[The Bug flies wildly out of the way of the fire]

[Link] ... and now you don't!

[The fire from the Blastboat and the Fire hit each other]

[SFX: Cheers over the intercom RSE 2 and a third RSE]

[Zelda] [over intercom] This battle isn't over yet. Don't start cheering NOW.

[Link] Precisely, Miss Zelda. And when the Blastboat and the Fighter find us again, you'll wish we went with the party.

Meant boarding party.

*The polka cannons fire at near point-blank range, and are able to penetrate the shields because standard
shields are not configured to resist them. The Vette begins to shake back and forth, throwing off its aim.*

~on the Vette~

[Adm. Yuri]Persian Queen, you assistance is requested in this sector immediately...Engineering, try to reconfigure the inertial dampers to fix that, in the mean time I think some Albequerki (sp) will bring it under enough control to at least aim properly

*The commander of the Esirpretne slaps his forehead.*

Commander: Who set the polka guns to mild? That blast should have had the Vette and everyone aboard polka-ing uncontrollably. All it's doing is just gently rocking the ship. Arrrrggggghhhh.

Okay, load up the ultimate weapon.

Sensor-operator: Incoming. 13 missiles. ETA: two posts.

Commander: Use the potatoes.

Weapons Officer: Cooked or raw, Commander?

Commander: Give it to 'em Raw!

Weapons Officer: Right Commander.

*The weapons officer pushes a button and launches 420 foil-wrapped potatoes. Several score direct hits on the missiles, taking out 7 of them. A few more are near-misses and their foil fouls the tracking electronics in the missiles so that they start to diverge away from the Esirpretne. That leaves 3 missiles still bearing down on the ship.

One of the potatoes that missed carries on and, being too small and too slow for normal shields, slips inside the Vette's shields and wedges in the exhaust pipe. The Vette's engines slowly start to overheat and the air inside slow starts to become foul.*

Suddenly, a hyperspace hole opens up and out flies the USS Hercules.
Hercules opens fire wildly, reckoning that it's bound to hit something at some point. Lasers glitter through the void.
The Hercules launches 6 fighters and moves towards the Omegamatic Quadroopull Ting Tang Guns at the ready.
When it is within range (5 posts at the most) it will be able to destroy the omegamatic, it is armed with three nucclear warheads and the crew are all very excited trekkies singing along to...
"Flash! Ah-ah! He'll save everyone of us!"
The captain pulls off his vulcan imitation ears and shouts, "Ready nuclear warheads!"
Red suited extras run to their positions and one of the consoles explodes sending an unknown esign flying over the barricade on the bridge.
The Hercules increases speed and flies faster than light towards the Omegamatic, towards glory.
Lasers flash, torpedoes roar and 720 diehard trekkies shout in high pitched voices...
"FLASH!"

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!

Jachap, you have so far, TOTALLY misinterpreted our purpose here.

The job of the Esirpretne, Mangar, Millenium Bug, and Mogship is not to destroy the OmegaMatic. That would severely annoy the Good Guys who are currently ONBOARD the OmegaMatic. Besides, the Esirpretne et al (hereinafter, the Good Guy Spaceships) don't need YOUR help to blow the OmegaMatic up. In fact, I bet the Esirpretne doesn't even need the MANGAR'S help to blow the it up,* but fore all the 'Matic's defenses.

The job of the Good Guy Spaceships is to DISTRACT the OmegaMatic, whilst the Good Guys onboard take the OmegaMatic out bit by bit from inside out. That's the whole purpose of this Grand, Huge, Epic Adventure that Constitutes a Season Finale.

Besides, I don't think [raises voice] /ANYONE/ [lowers it back] here had any warning about your arrival. [touches his throat] Excuse me. [drinks a glass of water] Sorry, my throat gets sore when I yell that loud.

Anyway, you can't just drop in unannounced and Save The Day in two posts. Well, you can, but this amounts to breaking Continuity, and the Krymla Leader will no doubt use Plan Beta on you, and I quote one of his posts directly: "this is the gist of [Plan Beta] (for memory purposes): if I believe a super hero (or any do-gooder, for that matter) to be breaking continuity, I will initiate the organized shunning of said hero by telling people to "Initiate Plan Beta." Nothing that the hero says for the rest of the duration of the mission will be heard, seen, felt, or cause consequences for any of the villains. Now, this does *not* give us the power to break continuity ourselves, of course, and I may lift the shunning from a hero if I believe that they will behave themselves, but this is still an action that I want to save for the absolute most drastic continuity situations."

So, could you walk in from the shallow end instead of diving into the deep end? Pretty please?

[*Footnote: The Mogship is 100m long and the Bug is a YT-1300 Corellian light freighter a la the Millenium Falcon, and they therefore don't count for destructive power against the OmegaMatic.]

OOC
just for clarity, the vette is a 150m long Correllian Corvette, hevily modified goes without saying, Xerces's Persian Queen is 300-50~ m long. The omega doesn't need anyone to help it destroy it's self, the thing was made to do just that!

Yeah. If it blows up, it takes the Galaxy with it.

Ah. Right.

But you see, the Hercules is not a good guy ship. It is part of a splinter group called Minotaur. This group are indeed terrorists, but what is the point of espionage and suberfuge and crime, if someone is just going to blow the galaxy up?
I mean, they've been working for four and half centuries to overthrow the government on a planet called Tangerine (somewhat unsucessfully, obviously) and all that work, all the blood, sweat and plastic explosive of the last 4 hundred years would go to waste if you just go and blow Tangerine (and of course, the rest of the galaxy) up.
What STUMPED are doing breaches the Minotaur code of conduct, set up in 1872 and so they ahve taken the law into their own hands.
They will both destroy the fleet and the Omegamatic, as that is the only way to ensure the galaxy is not destroyed.
Thanks to cut backs, the crew of the Hercules comprises of a robot, several hundred excitable Star Trek enthusiasts and exactly 3 and a half Minotaur officers.
So, you see, I knew EXACTLY what I was doing, or, at least, I do now.
Also, I didn't know you ahd to ask permission to enter the thread. If indeed, you had to, I apologise.
If it wrecks the whole thread the Hercules' engines will explode in a selfless act to save my humility.
Just tell me what to do, boss.


P.S The nuclear warheads are for knocking out the good guy fleet. The Hercules also comes with a payload of Nock Out Missiles that will disable the Omegamtics systems.

*2 L.A. Fighters appear out of hyper*
[Xerces] Yo I sent these to replace yours which were unfortunately destroyed in your absence. Spec will be posted at the Galapagos Islands shortly if you wish to know its arments. Also for ooc purposes take the un off of unfortunately considering i love blowing shh--stuff up....grr moderators.

*The New Persia changes course and heads directly for the E.*
[Dienikes] Send an engineer to reconfigure the shields to protect from the Polka gun. Have it ready before we are in range.

Suddenly, two consoles on the bridge of the Hercules explode in a shower of sparks.
The Minotaur Captain shouts: What the--?
But a large girder falls on top of him before he can continue spewing explitives.
A Leutenant kneels beside the Captain and says: "Captain, are you alright?"
Now, the Captain is alright in a sense, the problem is there are three bits of him that are alright and these three bits are scattered six feet apart.
The Hercules spirals out of control.
"Damage report!?" cries a RSE.
"Everythings broke!" Shouts an unhelpful chef, who shouldn't be on the bridge anyway.
The Hercules breaks in half. Gravity is sucked into infinity and several startled Star Trek enthusiasts hurtle into oblivion shouting, "It's a good day to- ARGH!"
One of the bits of the Hercules explodes.
The other bit crashes into a small astroid that was just sitting on the sidelines of the battle minding it's own business.
There is a large ball of orange-red-yellow flame, and in accordance to the rules of the universe, a piece of charred shrapnel bearing the name "USS Hercules" cartwheels into space, before being incinerated by a stray laser.
The nukes are gone.
The Nock out missiles are gone.
Minotaurs attempt to disable the Omegamatic has failed.
Glittering shards of glass and shrapnel slowly glide through the blackness of space.
The Hercules is gone. But somewhere still floating through the astroid is an old record player, playing "Flash! Ah-ah! He'll save everyone of us!"
Well it was still floating, until it was crushed by a passing light cruiser.
Such is the way of things.
Stars glint, simply cheap decoration to the myriad flashing lights of the two engaging forces.
There I have sorted that mess up.
Sorry.

*The two L.A Fighters move to engage the Bug until Yo orders them otherwise*

The specs on these two ships are now posted on my page incase you are interested..its more for Yo's sake but if you have any question its there. Also it is appreciated how this new 'player' in the battle accepted his reprimand and politely and dramatically (in a good way) stepped down.

[Reminds me of the Monty Python "accident sketch" which ends with the guy walking out of a house that promtly explodes and saying "Sorry." (The guy says it, not the house.)]