h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

dmitri said that we should bring our high-faluting la-di-da music here, but surely there must be some mistake. This room is in total darkness . There's no audience, not even or .

But, some of this music is not ever going to attract an audience, so I might as well just get it started.



First, I shall play the "Massive, Long, Confusing and Convoluted Fugue on A-sharp minor," by Johann Calciferous Christophe Bach-McCarthy, the only Bach descendant to have been deemed too for an insane asylum.

Excellent! A space Omnitorium to match the P-Space Omnitorium!

As above, so below!

Paul, you're a genius!

Dmitri, is that you? Was I playing loud enough to hear, or did what you heard cause you to wish I was inaudible?

Also, since you're back there anyway, would you mind waking up Fluffy Pink Rabbit and asking him what he thought of it?

After a brief intermission (to give your jangled ears a chance to recover), I will play a piece for piano, kazoo, and slide music stand called "Fungus," because it grows and dies without ever blooming. This is based on an actual piece that a choral conductor I had once forced us to sing. However, my "Fungus" will ocassionally have a melody that you can whistle as you leave the hall...

Great! If I come upon Fluffy Pink Rabbit I will certainly wake him.

I once organised a rhythm-and-kazoo band of developmentally disabled adults. It went well, except for the fellow who believed his kazoo was broken. We gave him another - it was broken, too - so he sang along!

Dmitri, what an unexpected pleasure! Paul asked me to come along and listen to a piano piece that he was going to play, but I fell asleep. Did I miss anything?

Well...yes and not. How do you through all that?

*walks in*
*caughs* ugh! It's very dusty here.

Don't insult my friends!

Tavaron, I'd like to introduce you to the dustbunnies.

Good thing we're in space, the neighbours can'T hear!

Are you breeding dustbunnies here?

I think they breed themselves!

Not necessary!

They breed willingly by themselves.

I know the feeling - my cabin'S already been colonised!

yours too?

Yes, I was relocating them today!

Okay, I have a request from the audience. Five-year-old Zenith Zapperloobie is here with us today, and she wants to perform a song she wrote. As some of you may know, Zenith is the world's pereminent prodigy. As she exited from her mother's womb, she was clutching the score for a symphony that she had written in utero. Never mind that it was worthless kitsch; what's impressive is that she was able to write it at all at such a young age, and with no light.

Anyway, here she is, seated at her Moog synthesizer. I've seen the piece, and it's a blend of brilliant music and silly lyrics. You may fit the lyrics to "If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands,"
but the real tune is richer and more complex...



She hides her tacos in her hat
(in her hat),
So kindly do not stomp it flat
(stomp it flat).
She carved a lovely fife
Using just a butter knife,
But her brother used it for a baseball bat.

She kneads her noodles with her knees
(with her knees).
Do not add pepper, or she'll sneeze
(or she'll sneeze).
Then she pounds the piles of pasta,
And she spins a little faster,
'Cause she has to feed her friggin' fleas.

Encore! Brava! Bravissima!

I think we'll have to skip the fungus song, because the score has been ravaged by some type of....well....fungus.

Does that make it a moldy-oldy?