h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hyp,just give me a few hours ! I confess,I'm not the best cake maker in the world (ermmm,I do struggle with the art of cake making to be perfectly honest) but if it's cakes you want,then cakes you will have...I want you feeling fit and well soon ...Kes,I'm so sorry to hear about your finacial difficulties at the moment...But if you find you dark blue jacket ( the one's with the outer pockets still sewn up ) You MIGHT find your wallet in the inside pocket.I can't be sure of course,but the last time you crawled out of here,I'd swear that was the jacket you were wearing !!! ..Ermmm eggs,flour,butter....Do you want a chocolate cake Hyp,or will a plain Victoria sponge do ?

How do you plan to bake the cake, Pinky? As far as I recall, kitchen equipment is limited to a frying pan, a deep fat fryer and a microwave (for re-heating fried items).

Very kind of you, Pinky. I suppose it will have to be since they are deep fried. A plain one sprinkled with a little cinnamon sugar would be nice.

No problem Hyp,consider it done...Kes light that fire,stand back..I intend to deep fry it,then do it gently in the frying pan..Then,I'll heat it up in the microwave,for good measure !!! You know me..better to be safe than sorry ...OK,strike that match... Lets get this show on the road !

*Scratch, scratch ... Strike!*

There. Just put the pan on top, and relax for a minute or two. When the smoke goes black, the fat will be at the right temperature. Just time for another , I think.

Ermmmm,can I have another drink too please,while we wait ? What sort of fat did you put into that pan Kes ? The smoke looks very red to me !

It's the same fat that's been in the chip pan as long as I can remember. Perhaps we should leave it boiling away for a few minutes so that any impurities can evaporate. Good job the ventilation in here is better. Here - have another .

Is my ready yet? I'll have a G&T while I'm waiting.

IF the microwave's working in tip top order Hyp,and IF this oil boils more quickly,and IF we find the frying pan..Your cake should be done in about..errmmm,a week ! Now if somethings worth having, it's worth waiting for OK ? Cheers Kes ! *Pinky hopes she's going to stay sober long enough to beable to cook Hyps' cake within the week,if possible*

Does this mean no chips for a week?

I don't suppose it would be possible to get some fresh oil for the deep fryer? I'm in favor of tradition as much as the next person, but if the health inspector sees that oil and that fryer, we'll be closed down and forced to kennel the Snughound. Have you checked the prices of kennels lately? It would be cheaper to buy the oil.

Hypatia - your eyesight is excellent. I am amazed that you can see the oil through all the smoke. I will take your word as to its condition. I would not want to see the poor Snughound rehoused - even temporarily. We could telephone an order for fresh oil, take delivery, and then debate payment. Alternatively, I seem to recall several large packets of lard down in the cellar. They are easy to spot. The packets say "LARD" on one side, and "Good luck to our boys on the Somme" on the other.

*marvels at Kes's bravery in going down to the cellar*

With all of the warnings about unhealthy oils, I suppose using the lard would be a viable option. Of course it does smoke worse than oil. And it's not like any of us are getting out of this world alive anyway. And there may come a time when our brave men in the field need the lard.

*hands Kes a wad of Moxons to use for the purchase of fresh oil for the deep fryer*

Righty ho. If you can just turn the burner off under the old oil ...
*Cranks handle on telephone*
Hello? Yes please. The local shop please.
Huh? Well, local to this pub, of course!
Closed HOW many years ago? A what?
No, I don't want to buy a mobile.
Oh! That sort of mobile shop.
Yes - put me through please.
Hello. I want some oil.
Cooking oil, I suppose.
Well, a panful - a large pan.
Not sure about Litres. How many pints would that be?
I can visualise pints quite well. Right.
Five litres then.
Do I want polly un-what? No, I just want cooking oil.
Yellow, I suppose.
No, I'm not going to be cooking sunflowers. Just oil please.
Thank you.
Do you deliver? Today? Marvellous.
Now ... about part exchange.
Well, I already have some oil - one previous owner - I thought.
Oh. Right.
How many coupons will that be?
It did? in 1947? Well, I never!
Thank you.
*Hangs up*

All organised. Should be here within the hour. That was thirsty work!

Goodness me Kes,sit down,I'll buy the drinks..You deserve it after that confusing phone call,heavens above..Talking in litres indeed,have these people no mercy ? Don't they understand we only want some oil ! There's barrels of the stuff out in Saudi Arabia ! And frying pan divider ( I THINK I may have just invented something here ) YES,a frying pan divider !! I know,you haven't heard of one,but you have now...Pass me that bit of cardboard please Hyp,I'd ask Kes,but look at him ,bless ! This is the proto type OK ? 1 frying pan,*Pinky picks up a very sticky tin tray off the bar*cardboard down the centre..Hey presto ! Chips for Kes in this side <<<< A cake for Hyp in this side >>>> Now how do use this phone Kes ? There HAS to be a blacksmiths around here somewhere ! What do you mean we need fourpence ?

Drinks? Brilliant. Don't mind if I do.

Pan divider? Inspired! Until we can get a metal one made, why not just cover the cardboard with foil?

Fourpence? Yes, usually. Or you can borrow my carefully crafted, specially bent, large paperclip. Wiggled into the coin slot just right, it bypasses the need for actual cash - one of my areas of expertise.

That is clever, Pinky. And if it helps me get my cake....

Oops, forgot to compliment Kes on his remarkable handling of the ordering process. Why do they have to make everything so complicated? And I suppose they expect payment upon delivery?

They probably do expect payment.
Tradespeople are like that. So tiresome.
I'll have a word with them when they arrive - see if they'll let us charge it to an account.

In the meantime, now that the old oil has cooled down, we need to dispose of it. Any suggestions?

I suppose for health reasons we should put it inside a triple drum of some sort and call Hazmat to take it off. Or we could dump it down that old floor drain in the cellar.