h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Clutter,dust,muck and dirt ! I've only been gone one week.I don't know what would happen to this place if I was away a month ! *Pinky picks up the ,newspapers,tidies the tables and begins to spray polish,everywhere* You lot don't know how lucky you are to have me ! hahahaha

*Attempts to waft the polish aerosol away with a hanky. Coughs.*

*Pinky sprays polish all over the bar ,sticky alcohol everywhere.Pats Kes on the back to help relieve his very bad cough and carries on polishing* Lala la la lala de dah dee dumde dah la la *She's happy*

Pinky lass, if you are on a cleaning spree, you might want to turn your attention to the Patio. Just watch out for marauding hedgehogs, badgers and mice. They made up quite an army last year...Just ask Kes!

Right, my round I think, *pats pockets and other parts of her anatomy, finally giving in and taking off her hat. Finds a thruppeny bit in the hat band and a three bob note in the lining. Slams the currency on the bar in-front of the RIB.*

OI! YOU! Shift it and get the beers in.

*RIB doesn't move. Zantic sighs, goes over to the fire and picks up the poker, shoves it in the fire for a bit goes back to lean over the bar and, spying the ashtray, gives it a good resounding thwack with the red hot poker. The RIB hardly moves*

Oh pooh. Didn't work this time. Hang about, I'll get the drinks while you lot think of how to get the RIB going agian.

*Puts on grubby old barmaid apron and starts pulling pints*

Oh, and could we get a couple of bacon butties Lil? Ta!

Zantic

Marauding hedgehogs and badgers I can handle,no problem ,but MICE ! Sorry I have to draw the line somewhere.Don't we have a gardener or outdoor person who sorts out this patio cleaning job ? I'll have a brandy and baileys while you've got your barmaids apron on thankyou Zantic...Cheers

*Stops coughing at the prospect of a round ...*

Mine's a . Thank you very much. I hope nobody's hidden the bacon butties!

*starts cooking*

Pinky, there's a hedgehog called Arnie out there that can talk, as I recollect. Why don't you negotiate about the mice, see if you can get them booked on a day trip to Liverpool while you clean the patio?

Why thankyou Lil,I'll have a word with Arnie and see what he thinks.Surely one day won't be a problem.Then again,I wouldn't mind a day trip to Liverpool myself,I might go with them ! Cheers !

May I have a please, Zantic?

*shudders at the thought of Outside*

Ermmmmm ,excuse me ,anyone,you know me by now,I'm not choosy ! Could I have a drink please ?

*Looks around. Sees no sign of bar staff (real or inflationary). Carpes the old diem and runs behind the bar*

Here you are Pinky! ... and a for me too. On the house, I think.

Oy! *is about to whack Kes with the intergalactic frying pan when there is a noise out back*

*returns with a very large cardboard carton* Just in time. We were running out of crisps.

*opens box and rummages eagerly*

They've sent Sage & Canteloupe, instead of Sage & Antelope.

Are there any Snake & Pigmy ones this time?

*rummaging delicately so as not to break the crisps in their packets*

Uhh, Copybara Cheese, Badger and Onion, Salty Pangolin, Asp and Vinegar... Plain... Garlic and Loam... BBQ Boa...

Cheers Kes ! I'll just have a packet of cheese and onion please Lil ! I'm not fussy !

The Pickled Wingnut and Fuchsia sounds interesting ...

Cheese and onion! What sort of an establishment do you think this is?

*hands Kes his crisps and finishes loading the rest into the display case*

*Opens packet, inspects crisps of an unusual colour. Smiles bravely, offers packet around.*

Do try one ...

No thank you. Wingnuts are too far to the right for my digestion. I'll try these sage and canteloupe instead.

NO cheese and onion ? Well you tell me please ! What sort of an establishment do we have here ? Oh,thanks Kes ,wingnuts ?I'll try one of yours ! The things you have to do to get fed around here ! PHEW !