h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

"That's OK Pin, I prepared some fresh, with an extra-special ingredient suggested by Trout."

Trout Montague smirked and rebuttoned his fly-flap.

Oh honestly, look at the state of this floor!

*gets mop and bucket out*

Ms GB

I think we owe Skankyrich, Pinn and Galaxy Babe a few glasses of or even for organising the Stretcher.

It's certainly aroused a good deal of interest.

Ring ring ... ring ring ...

"Which emergency service do you require?"
"Erm ... better make it a taxidermist."
"What seems to be the problem?"
"We've got an outbreak of acute sycophancy. At least two inhabitants have gone down in less than 24 hours. Others are itching to fawn, I just know it. I can see the lickspittle leaking out. It could be ... a plague."
"Just hang in there friend, a team will be there shortly. Remember the Russians?"
"Kursk?"
"No dummy, State Ball-Bearing Plant Number 1"
"Erk. Yes?"
"It'll go down like that. Have you got any protective clothing?"
"I'm a fish - I don't have a shell."
"Anything else you don't have?"
"It's often said that I have a fairly roomy helmet."
"Good, put it on and keep away from anyone with toady symptoms. They're on their way ..."

The Judges apologise and realise we have supplied you with several copies of this week's News of the World and free beer.



Help yourselves, darlings! *waves* *blows air-*

Ms GB

*grabs an and curls up on the rug with it to relax after doing a major re-edit of her entry*

if you would mind not standing or sitting on me it would be much appreciated.

mini

Da-da da da da da, DAH!
Da-da da da da da, DAH!
Dada da dah
Dada da dah

"What kind of hell is this?" thought Trout Montague, the cuban rythym synchronous with the hangover that throbbed in his temples. Smiley congas were for the illiterati. A picture may say a thousand words, but ten good ones are so much better than a thousand bland ones. He kicked the record player over and ground the stylus into the carpet. "That's enough of that", he exhaled, bending down to pick up the News of the World fully intent on cutting out all the pictures of Gail McKenna. They might come in useful later. But it was the picture of Ms GB in flagrante delicto that really caught his eye.

Ms GB forgets she is disguised as a contestant, drops the mouldy on the sodden carpet and exits, stage-left

Oi! I've just cleaned that floor!

I dunno. Seal gunge is hard enough to get out of the carper, now I've got to scrape mouldy pork pie off too! And I can never remember what it is for beer stains - white wine? Salt?

Water and soap would probably be best.

A512281

"Trout Spit", replied the Trout, "licking himself with his enormous scrotal tongue, but please feel free to keep on scrubbing. If you can just go a bit lower ... right a bit ... yes there ... mmmmmm .... anyway, I am not a carper."

There was some scuffling from behind the door and an envelope slid beneath it.

Trout Montague picked it up, turned it over and read out allowed ... "A46143948 Read The Post ... What does that mean?"

I would like it to be known that seals are scrupulously clean, and indeed rather cuddly, animals.
They do not exude revolting excrescences like some fish I could mention. If we sometimes exhibit a little fishiness around the whiskers, then it's only because the likes of the Mouthy One occupy an inferior position in the food chain.
I won't personally be consuming that particular specimen, mind you. I am in possession of too much information on where it's been.

Trout Montague was unexpectedly stirred, discomforted and momentarily light-headed. Sudden blood loss would have that effect. It was the girl dressed up as Moll Flanders, magnificent embonpoint spectacularly on display. To Trout it all seemed so familiar, glimpsed recollections of knees trembling in rain-sodden pub alley-ways flashed through the piscoid brain before he passed out, comatose, dissolved into a wet fishy dream.

'Read the Post' ... good luck to all fellow stretcher-cases.

I've never seen Trout post so many words all in one go.

Ah, this is where all you people went.

I thought it was awfully quiet.

*rings doorbell*

A crate of 14 bottles of best and a hamper of exotic food sits just outside the door, with 14 plates and 14 and 14 (first come first served)