h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

(okay, they're not penguins of doom, but it makes a nice title, don't you think?)

* in the teleporter room, just next to the teleporter platform, the air begins to shimmer. Reality bulges, splits open, and disgorges two incredibly cute penguin mages who brush themselves off and look around expectantly *

[Penguin 1] Well, here we are.

[Penguin 2] Where's the reception committee?

[Penguin 1] We were invited.

[Penguin 2] But we didn't RSVP.

[Penguin 1] Ah, that would probably explain it then.

[Penguin 2] So how do we get some attention in this place?

[Penguin 1] I would expect that they've already noticed our arrival.

[Penguin 2] How do you know that?

[Penguin 1] I always know when somebody's watching me. It's a useful little spell I picked up a couple of months back, and right now, we're being watched.

[Penguin 2] Well then, we shouldn't have to wait too long.

* the penguins lapse into silence and wait *

*A short, sweet chiming sound is heard over the PA system, followed by a voice.*

[Welcome, visitors, to the Ministry and Embassy, located aboard the Space Station Big C. If it is to your liking, you will be teleported to the Professor directly.]

*The penguins are teleported into a rather plush office, decorated in the typical Governmental House style of glass, platinum and gold. Some outlandish plants decorate the room here and there, and a long desk lies in the middle, behind which the Professor sits.*

Ah, greetings! I do believe you're from the Ministry for Magecraft, yes?

[Penguin 2] Yes

[Penguin 1] We are.

[Penguin 2] I like your office. MaW's has a transparent floor with a seven hundred foot drop underneath it, which is slightly disconcerting at times.

[Penguin 1] Yes, it is. As you are no doubt aware, we're here to observe the processes by which you achieve faster-than-light travel.

[Penguin 2] The concept is quite fascinating. We've brought along some magical instrumentation, which we thought you might want to see before we cause a security alert.

[Penguin 1] Yes, MaW is keen to reduce the amount of diplomatic incidents the Ministry causes by at least 75% over the next two months.

* Penguin 2 waves a flipper, and a trolley loaded with magical equipment of all indescribable kinds appears to one side *

[Penguin 1] Please, be careful if you examine the equipment. Some of it is quite fragile.

[Penguin 2] And other items are quite dangerous if used incorrectly.

[Penguin 1] We believe in multiple functionality.

[Penguin 2] And trouser presses

[Penguin 1] What?

[Penguin 2] Nothing, just a temporary possession.

OK then...

*Gets out of his seat, and walks round the desk to the trolley.*
*Before he inspects it properly, he looks up again.*

You know, I've been experimenting a bit with how to manipulate space/time in this vortex. I can even make a gaping hole similar to the one you mentioned being in MaW's office. Watch.

*He waves his hand and the floor shimmers into transparency. He then stands back and makes a great sweeping motion with his arms.*
*A ten kilometre high spike of land shoots out of the floor and goes right through the ceiling, which also curves upwards.*
*The Professor goes flying back.*

Woah! Not quite what I'd had in mind!!

*Reverses his sweeping motion, and brings everything down again. Wipes his brow.*

Anyway, let's have a look at this stuff here.

*Goes back to the trolley and begins to peer among the contraptions.*

Penguin 2] Fardle Fardle Fardle

Passes out momentarily

Yeah, I bet he does. Anyone for a quick run over the continuity rules?
Or is this some interesting character swapping system like Sea and NYC Student use?

Don't worry Prof, it's only my sister. She can have Penguin 2 if she likes.


[Penguin 1] Hmm... it looks like you need to do some more work on that technique...

Uh, yeah. I haven't had much time to work on anything other than my top project - manipulation of the Space Between Dimensions, something so powerful that I'm not going to use it on h2g2.

Anyway, this equipment all looks quite safe, as far as I can tell at least.
If you'd like to follow me, I will show you to one of my faster-than-light capable ships.

*He shows them out of the office and into the main Ministry hallway, where a new door has appeared.*

One thing I have managed to do is create a large hangar bay right inside this wall. Quite useful, that.

*Inside the hangar is a large ship, of elegant design, typical to the Zshunga manufacturers of San Beta. As the group approach, the access ramp lowers and allows them in.*

[Penguin 1] Yes, very useful.

* the penguins follow the Professor, and their trolley of equipment trundles after them all by itself despite appearing to have no motors. It is, of course, under the inflence of a spell *

[Penguin 2] Nice ship.

[Penguin 1] A little different to one of ours...

[Penguin 2] Not that we use ours very much. Nice for sightseeing though.

*The Professor leads them through the ship, all the while explaining some matters of faster-than-light travel.*

...not that's it's particularly useful in all situations, of course. I mean, we can get up to the speeds used in hyperspace travel, but, to be fair, hyperspace is more secure. You see, while journeying through normal space, it is possible to collide with planets, suns, spatial anomalies, and whatnot, and it requires great navigational computing to circumnavigate these. With hyperspace, however, it is possible to at least travel without fear of colliding with most of the said anomalies, as they don't exist in hyperspace...

*Continues...*

[Penguin 2] Apart from the black holes.

[Penguin 1] Yes, we heard that black holes and other large gravitational phenomena have an effect on hyperspace which is sometimes...

[Penguin 2] ...undesirable

[Penguin 1] Hence the reason why the Ministry of Magecraft has never explored hyperspace as a means of interstellar travel.

[Penguin 2] Also as it's pointless when we can just do this.

* Penguin 2 disappears *

[Penguin 1] Please excuse him, he likes to demonstrate things *

* Penguin 2 reappears, holding a flower plucked from the marble sand dunes of Santraginus V *

[Penguin 2] Isn't this a nice flower?

Oh yes, very nice, I'm sure.

I too am interested in instantaneous travel, but that would not be a technology I am willing to release, myself being the only person to harness the power of the Space Between Dimensions. But that's another matter...

An alternative to hyperspace is of course the use of wormholes. I've perfected the art of manipulating them, and can travel to San Beta and back in merely a few hours, but it's still not as good as your current methods of travel. Still, I'm sticking to technology.

[Penguin 1] Yours does have the considerable advantage that, when coupled to a suitable computer system, the ships can be flown by more or less anyone. Our techniques are a little bit more

[Penguin 2] exclusive.

[Penguin 1] They require quite a bit of training to accomplish.

[Penguin 2] Not to mention natural talent.

[Penguin 1] But that's genetic for most people.

[Penguin 2] Which is another reason why our techniques aren't widely applicable.

Apologies for my absence - I was too busy in RL to reply to all forums. But my Physics coursework's finished now, so I'll have more time.

Absolutely! Can't have the Universe filled with any old magic-using people!

Ah, here we are! This is the postlight unit, which keeps the ship going beyond lightspeed.

*Opens a hatch in the wall, and peers inside. Points to something.*

This is the main technology we use to power the thing. I like to call it the Einstein Compensator.
It's fundamentally to do with calculating and resetting the mass of the ship and all within while it reaches the speed of light. As you know, the pesky Law of Relativity states that as you approach lightspeed, you gain mass. Using this idea, it was possible to create a device which could actually 'reset' the mass of the object it was controlling. Inverting the value of infinity (which we get when we reach the apparent speed limit) gives us a mass of zero, thus allowing further acceleration.
Of course, the drives need to be designed to keep us accelerating, but that's another matter.

[Penguin 1] You know, that sounds remarkably similar to some of our work.

[Penguin 2] In the blatant disregard for the laws of physics, that is.

[Penguin 1] Although perhaps you aren't as blatant as we are, because science does have to at least pretend to be internally consistent.

[Penguin 2] In our experience, that is. But we're no experts. You might disagree.

Blatant disregard for the laws of physics? How am I getting this wrong? The only thing that Einstein fellow got right about the speed of light is the mass-gain, nothing more. Time dilation? Piffle!

[Penguin 2] We never said the laws of physics were right.

[Penguin 1] Laws may be technically immutable, but they don't have to be correct, as history has proven.

[Penguin 2] History has also proven that there are often loopholes in laws.

[Penguin 1] And that it's best to work with the laws, rather than defying them.

[Penguin 2] However, whereas in social history it has been shown that generally defying law is a bad thing, in science it seems that it is an ideal way to attempt to make progress, even if you end up falling flat on your face because you didn't manage to defy them loudly enough.

[Penguin 1] Yes, that makes sense.

[Penguin 2] What do you think?

[Penguin 1] Remind us to take you on a tour of the Ministry of Magecraft.