h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*stands up suddenly, sending the piano stool scudding across the oak floor*
Your Majesty, I had no idea you were in the castle. Had I known, I would have played more suitable music - some Chopin perhaps, or maybe a song by Mr Thomas Waits - I believe I can still do the voice.
*smokes 50 packs of Lucky Strike, drinks 3 bottles of whiskey, gargles with a few razor blades*
Wasted and wounded, it ain't what the moon did
I got what I payed for now
I'll see ya tomorrow, hey Frank can I borrow
A couple of bucks from you, to go
Waltzing Matilda, waltzing Matilda
You'll come a-waltzing Matilda with me

My dear butler, I am always in the castle, but you need not be concerned, it's always nice to have some music around here.....and this piano is open to anyone to play, unlike the Grand piano down in the concert hall......and I must say I admire the dedication you've shown towards getting the right singing voice, just make sure you don't hurt yourself, we don't want to lose you...

Tis nothing your Majesty *spits out a shard of razor blade*. And after all, didn't a famous painter once say that one should suffer for one's art? Where is the Queen by the way? I haven't seen her for at least a week.

*steps into the room*
Did I hear you two talking about me?

*Thruthelthroth bows before his Queen*
Your Majesty, how pleasant to see you again. I was beginning to wonder if you were , or perhaps , or even worse, which would have made the whole kingdom and . However, no doubt the s and s here in Balwyniti would be watching over you, so there'd never be any need for a or a , which I'm sure would make your Majesty's subjects and each other, and for joy, after which I'm sure there would be much and , most likely followed next morning by several almighty s. And now **, I'm feeling rather , so it must be time for .

*comes out of character for a moment*
Bloody hell, I hope this works, or I shall most likely @'-'@ with embarrassment, which is not at all , and which will make me very

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Hmm, it's a good thing I have a fast connection, or I'd have to use my on you for that smiley overuse.

(Woohoo! Official Royal Mage Smiley! )

lol

How about official Queen of Balwyniti smiley...

*applaudes*
Outstanding!

Ah, excuse me Thruthelthroth, I was wondering what success you had had in advertising the Kingdom in places widely flung.....

Your Highness! Sorry for the long absence! I was called away bt RL. No title is necessary.

Dr. D

Do not concern yourself Zonker, fortunately no-one fell sane whilst you were away...

Sanity? Mention not that horrible plague!

My leige...*bows deeply* (I was never comfortable with the whole 'curtsey' thing)

*springs forward into line of sight*

*ahem*

My leige...

After traversing the world I have at lust stumbled upon your most maginificent of kingdoms, and I have decided that i would indeed like to make it my home, if you would so permit.

Because of my world travels, I have become an expert in finding all things thought lost, and would be happy to extend this service to the kingdom, if you feel that it is in need of this service.

If you believe, however, that yours is a kingdom in which nothing can be lost, then I would be happy to serve you and your lovely Queen in any other way that you see fit.

Welcome to the court Cafram, we are honoured to see you here today...you say that you are an expert in finding things thought lost? We could have need of such a service in the Kingdom, especially in the adventure which set out from the river lodge in search of the lost ruins of Balwyniti....tell me, is there a title which you would desire to hold in this magnificent Kingdom?

I would be honoured, my leige, to take any name that you bestow unto my most unworthy self.

Then ye shalt be the Royal Melways....no, ye shalt be the....screw it, Royal Melways it is....

I shall bear this name with pride, my Leige.

I don't suppose you have anything lost right now, do you? My stomach, you see - it's been complaining this past week and if I don't get some food into it, well...I fear it may stage a rebellion.

*shuffles off in search of kitchens*

Call me if you need me, sire!

I thought you might approve...

The only thing currently lost are the ruins, but they aren't going anywhere in a hurry......you'll find the bakery well stocked with anything you may fancy....

*Enter the faithful old royal butler Thruthelthrolth*
Actually your Majesty, the advertisements I sent to The Post have mysteriously disappeared. I wonder if The Royal Melways would care to search for them?