h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*enters and bows to the King and Queen*
Greetings to all. Concerning the reptiles and the birds: the pines seem a bit worried about your plans for a swamp. But I think I can arrange at least the warm river with mud banks. An aviary is fine, and I know a good clearing where you may place it and the stone lodge.

*ponders briefly*
I agree with your concerns about the swamp, my good ranger. I propose that this river you plan shall indeed run through the kingdom, and hereby decree the limits of this kingdom to extend beyond the edge of the pine forest, and that the river shall run into this low area, and here, beyond the beloved pines, shall the river broaden and meander into swampland. This shall be the home for all reptilian life in the Kingdom, when it isn't being used for mini-golf, of course. So mote it be!

*bows to King, nods to Greenman*
Sounds good...the river would also be a lovely place for a royal barge for the Queen. The Crocs will be glad to have a home and the birds will nest comfortably in the provided area.

I'm glad you agree with the plan, ox, as it is for the benefit of your reptiles. The Queen particularly would be most upset if they weren't properly cared for. I'm not sure how she'd feel about a royal barge though....

*remembers the original reason for replying*
Oh, yes...where I live has pine, oak and palm growth that _does_ become rather swampy with cypress growth, merging with waterways that feed into the Gulf of Mexico. A lowland area, marsh...perhaps just the southern end of your kingdom is the same!

Royal barge? As long as it has sails in it!

I was thinking of Cleopatra's golden barge, although that was a luxury boat of some sort, I'm sure.

*Enter crusty but faithful old butler Thruthelthroth, with an unusually light and springy step*

Your Majesties, I beg forgiveness for my absence these past few days, I've been enthralled by what I've been picking up on my new hearing aid. In some strange far off country known as Ingerland, they play a game which I think is called cricket. The strange thing is, this game can last for up to five days! Imagine that. It sounds like a most noble game too - there was much talk about sportsmanship and fair play. It seems that people are actually paid to watch this game and tell others about it whilst the game is in progress. Most odd. But the strangest thing of all, and the thing which most endeared me to the game, is that although they play for 6 hours a day (taking breaks for luncheon and for tea - how civilised), and for 5 days, everyone seems happiest when the game is drawn. All that effort without a result. I didn't hear any mention of hamsters, but much comment was made of the polishing of the ball. Perhaps we should keep the hamsters on the mini-golf course polished too! Do you think the elves could come up with some kind of special hamster polish?

My dear Thruthelthroth, what a boon this new hearing aid has proved to be! Truly, the elves have a artisan spirit like no other! I'm most intrigued by this "cricket" you mention, it really does sound most delightful. Tell me, good butler, these people you are 'paid' to watch the game, are they real? Surely they must be mythical beings, are they not?

Perhaps Sire they are some kind of magical being not unlike our own elves. I really can't think of any mortal being who could consume the quantites of chocolate cake that they seem to get through during the course of a game. They certainly seem to use many magical words, like "googly", "pavilion", "offstump", "yorker", and one that I don't even know if I can say right - "ellbeedoubleyou". They must be wizards of the highest order to be able to use such magical incantations. Perhaps we could entice some of them hither. Or would that be likely to upset the elves do you think?

Large quantities of chocolate cake? Perhaps they should then be invited, but how could we entice them when surely they have everything one could possibly want? This googly creature intrigues me....tell me, do you think it likely to be a very vicious thing? And this whole idea of being double somebody else....truly, this is a discovery of the very first order. Do you think you could contact these magical "Inglish"? Indeed, be it possible that our own mage be one of their very race?

I don't think so Sire, I've heard that he comes from a land in the frozen north where the "Inglish" are not to be found. However, as a mage of a rank high enough to be The Royal Mage, I would think that he should at least know of their existence, and maybe how to contact them too, although, if a googly is a small vicious creature, I'm not so sure it would be good for the hamster population, unless.... unless we could tame them and use them for the mini-golf. Do we know where the Royal Mage is to be found Sire?

He should, indeed, be found in his laboratory, but there seems to have been an opaque substance clouded in the vision, for he is not to be found there these past couple of days.....maybe he already is out searching for these "Inglish", though to be sure he appears to be around here somewhere, for verily can strange rumblings be heard.....taming some gogglies....I should consider it a great favour if you could find some googlies, perhaps the reptile keeper, ox, may know where some are to be found......

I will attempt to find them both right away Sire

*shuffles off and ascends a descending staircase - neat trick if you can do it *

*enters, carrying a bottle of mysterious white liquid.*

Sorry for my absence of late, sire, but the fumes in my lab have caused me to lose my sense of time. I shall make a note to exit more often and enjoy the wonders of the palace. I have, however, created a wonderful hamster wax, which I'm told is needed. It should make our games of golf much more exciting.

Welcome once more, my good mage! So that's the wax there, is it? Looks good....time for a round of mini-golf, I wager!

a man walks out of the forest, it appears that he is walking backwards, miraculously he appears unharmed, until "BONK" he smacks into the last tree in the forest.*
tickled that! Ow!
*he picks himself up and proceeds to walk towards the gates, backwards of course. Once inside, facing the gates.
he starts to speak.
Home anyone is??

Umm... Hello?

What be your name, strange traveller, and what brings you to this fine place?

mr muddle am i. kingdom your upon stumbled i. ages for it for looking been have i although. jester a of need in are you hear i.