h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*rushes in and assumes and authoritive pose*

Somebody help this man!

*looks down and sees Granny*

That's it!

*glares at lurkers*

Well, come on people, don't just lurk there gawping, DO something!

*stands around looking important, doesn't actually do anything constructive*

COME ON!!

Oh no, someone's trying to kill the president!

*Trips over Bluebottle, also bleeding profusely*

Oh, someone's tried to kill the vice prez too.

*runs round wih a first aid kit and minibar*

<BB<

*finishes the celtic knot on Peregrin's shoulder, the leaping dolphin on his left leg, the spider's web on his right and the very tasteful fairy on his tummy*

There you are Peregrin. That should keep you together for a while. Just don't wash in very hot water or the colours will run in the thread Drink up that rice wine, there's plenty more where that came from

*Granny moves over to start stiching up Bluebottle*

Now then, parsnip wine for you young man, and what design would you like to hold you together?

Is Peregrin okay?

Phew, it was a good thing I was here. Bluebottle, do stop bleeding like that, it's most disconcerting.

Ah! I see the post is here to ask me about how I bravely nursed Peregrin to recovery. ()

Just keeping an eye on things - to be honest.

If he actually survives this attact, we may have to consider impeaching him for breaking the terms of his office!

shazz

*drops bag of fruit from rucsak as she cross stitches Bluebottles injuries*

Whoops, I seem to have imdamsoned the Prez

At least the assassin hasn't come back for a second attempt.

*coughs*

I said, AT LEAST THE ASSASSIN HASN'T COME BACK FOR A SECOND ATTEMPT...

*waits a bit*

*runs in screaming and sobbing uncontrollably in a 1930's film kinda way*
Oh...darling!
*runs towards Peregrin and throws herself on top of him gently mopping up the blood with her fairywings*
Pleaaaaaaaaase, I beg of you STOP!
*looks imploring around the room then goes back to sobbing uncontrollably*
I...I...Love you darling...
*watches as the room turns black and white and shaky violin music starts up, reapplys her lipstick and then continues sobbing*

[in a flat monotone]...oh...the humanity

*is touched* Thank you sweetie

I'd use this mop instead of your pretty wings though *hands Tink a mop*

*hugs her and gasps dramatically* I... will always... love you... darling...

[wipes sweat off brow]...thought you were talking to me then!

Oops sorry, simulpost!

Or perhaps I'm delirious?

Now that I'm here, who can I secretly discredit...a backstabber's work is never done...

As current treasurer of the Alabaster House I feel it is my duty to impose a tax on any unncecessary copius amounts of blood on the carpet Well that, and the normal fines for "Shooting Without a Permit", "Loose Shell Casings Cluttering the Hallways" and the ever popular "stitching up victims without a license"

*walks off with her fingers in a blur of motion on the calculator... "Woohoo! With all this new revenue we'll finally have enough in the treasury for me to start pilfering and paying people under the table!"*

Nothing to do with me!

*Hands in pockets*

*reaches up under her voluminous skirt & produces a licence from the pocket cunningly sewn onto her knicker leg*

fully licenced for cross stitch, macrame, knitting, crochet, lace making, tatting, bow tie tying, crewel work & home made wine I'll have you know I've won prizes for my knots

*Lobs a through the window*

hmm, I'll get this right yet.

*Lobs a molotov cocktail through the window*

*Throws bucket of water and another of sand over Peregrin and the first lady, and then squirts them both with a foam fire extinguisher*

Sorry, but it's the only way to guarantee to put out the fire