h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Here's the latest No. 1 bestseller. Unfortunately, you are now blind and it's not a braille copy.

I wish my husband would get home from work at a reasonable time.

(P.S. I was a lot more than 40lbs lighter at the age of 13!)

You get to read every entry for the booker prize in the next two weeks

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I wish I'd moved house before the prices got

You have now a four bedroomed house in a highly prized area in London. Don't worry about all the people running about panicking - that's just the blitz.

I wish for a quiet place to call my own.

Here's a padded cell - all yours!

I wish there were something worth watching on TV

The business news is worth-watching every day in the morning. I've got them all on tape for you!

I wish it would rain nymphomaniacs.

Granted! Unfortunately, since F=m*a neither you nor they survived the impact...

I wish dinner had been good

No problem. With my genii powers I can confirm that the pig that provided your tasty pork was one of the best behaved in the pig pen.

I wish I was eighteen again.

Granted - you are now 18 months old. Forever.


I wish I had a brother

I have found two parents with one son who are willing to adopt you. You now have a brother. You are now also a dung beetle.

I wish I could meet all the Beatles.

Granted. You spend the remainder of your life hunting them down, before realizing that you'll have to die before you can meet all of them. Happy trails!

I wish I could play dodgeball more often.

Granted. We'll lock you in the Abu Ghraib gym to play against the guards, and throw away the key.

***

I wish this wish was incorruptable.

Granted. Sadly, that was your only wish, I lied about the other two!

I wish for eternal health

I've just murdered you. Now you can be sure your health will never deteriorate for ever!

I wish I could see what the world will be like in the year 3000.

There, you are now a brain and two eyeballs floating in a jar for eternity!


I wish I could get all my luggage in the boot

Your wish is granted your luggage is now the size of a postage stamp.

I wish for a holiday somewhere hot.

You have won an internship in a coal mine!

I wish for my project to do itself and get a good grade.

The project goes crazy so that you get a good a good grade, but are blamed forever at your family, your friends, and all teachers.

You wish for nothing? You get all your oxygen taken away!

I wish for my jeans to be repaired

Congratulations! Your jeans is now pimped with snake leather - still living!
I want one euro.

Here it is - encased in a three ton cement block for your convenience!

I want some lunch