h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Here you are, unfortunately it's attached to a large stone cathedral.

I'd like to be able to stay on hootoo until after midnight

You stay on forever as the clock always says one minute past midnight.

I wish to turn back the clock

Easy. You just use the little twiddly knob on the back of this one. Here's another where you just push the hands round.

I wish I didn't suffer hangovers when I drink a little too much.

*PING* - You will never be able to imbibe again. "Spoils" your night out but don't forget - everyone loves a permanent "designated driver"

I wish for repairs to the Ozone Layer

Another planet´s civilisation is now on the way here to steal the ozone. Fortunately, they repair it while stealing it.
I want to understand "Mornington Crescent".

I have a dictionary which includes all street and place names imaginable.

I wish for good exam resulsts!

Congratulations! You have an "A" in every exam. Was it wrong to bribe the teachers with your whole property and a 25,000€ loan?
I wish the new Rammstein CD to release soon.

It will be released when you next walk out of your house. Pointed sideways and aimed right at your head from a drop of 300 feet. It may hurt when you 'receive' it. Please wipe away any red residue before playing the CD.

I would like to feel proud about my sexuality

Now 500 grams of THC float through your blood. The last minutes you live, you are even proud of the terrible odour of your feet.
I want a unpoisoned milkshake.

You develop a deep-seated loathing of McD and all their works, to the extent that you are unable to go within 50 feet of one of their outlets.

I want enough shelf space to be able to take all my books - and then some.

-you swap all your books for victoria beckhams collection


i wish i was a fairy

You are a fairy - dwelling inside a bottle for studying purposes at the Invisible University.
I wish my back wasn´t hurting, but still existing.

congratulations. you are now the proud owner of a lifetime's supply of injectable local anesthetic.

I wish I could eat as much choccie as i like and never throw up

You have become a rat , they can never throw up anything, even poison.


I wish there was more in this bottle

Granted. But it's the kind that usually comes in a 5 litre cardboard box, with added sugar.

I wish I didn't have a toothache

You don't all your teeth have dropped out.

I wish my house was tidy.

You return from work one day to find that efficient, but not very discriminating, thieves have removed every single item from your house.

I wish my computer worked properly

Granted, but with what you paid for the repair you could have bought a van Gogh, a Monet *and* a Picasso.

***

I wish the Beatles had chosen horticulture instead of pop music as a career.

They have designed YOUR garden.
I want food!

You have a choice. To your left is a mound of hay, to your right is an acacia tree (a bit thorny, but giraffes love the tender leaves at the top), and ahead of you is a herd of wildebeest about to cross a crocodile infested river. It's all food, so take your pick.

I wish bottles of white wine would 'self-chill'.