h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

three silab

Enough, kasard. From now on, you can use as many syllables as you like, as long as you use an unusual style of hunt & peck ie. you type with your nose.

I wish that entertainment venues would stop insisting on photo ID or no admittance.

(Whoa, hold on, seriously? When did that happen? ... And... what exactly do you mean by entertainment venues?)

Seriously. More or less every pub and club in this bit of London requires photo ID on the door when they've got performers in. A credit card to prove that you're over 18 isn't enough, this is ostensibly so that anyone doing something illegal on the premises can be tracked down later by matching their ID to notoriously bad CCTV footage. Councils have made it a condition of renewing licenses. The same goes for the increased pressure to put bouncers on the door of even the pubs which don't have a reputation for people getting attacked inside them.

Inconvenient if you neither drive nor have your passport because it's being renewed (or don't want to risk getting that nicked). Hence the rise in people carrying ID cards.

The same thing also goes for gig venues like The Academy - it generally says when you get the ticket, but even so...

My still stands:

"I wish that entertainment venues would stop insisting on photo ID or no admittance."

(Oh, sorry. I thought you meant, like, movie theaters and stuff... )




They do. Instead, they require a genetic sample and a fingerprint scan. They also need independent verification, signed and notarized by an immediate family member that you are, in fact, over 18 years of age.



I wish numerous (currently illegal) drugs were legalized so that they could be properly regulated and taxed.

Done More or less everyobody's happy. Everybody? Well, if you don't count those running the current system. Will nobody think of the prison wardens and governors with nobody to lock up, big pharma, the employers who find that people only turn up to work when they feel like it etc?

I wish for the wind to drop.

You're transported to a sailing ship. It has no engine. When the wind drops, you're stranded at sea.


I wish for true love.

Granted. It's a pity that you forgot to wish for true love to be mutual.

I wish for a complete absence of traffic jams tomorrow morning.

(Heh. More true than you know...)


You wake up tomorrow and find that every road in the world has been smeared with peanut butter!! And not a drop of jam in sight....

The peanut butter sticks to tires and makes driving practically impossible, so the streets are also completely clear of cars. But until this mess is cleaned up, you'll have to walk wherever you wanna' go.


(Here, this'll be different.) I wish I was a sexy teenage girl.

Far far too easy. Unfortunately, that's also how you'll be treated by more or less everybody from the second you wake up tomorrow morning.

I wish I could find my spare memory cards and the mobile phone which are probably buried on the settee under a pile of works in progress.

That's done you find all you have lost and some stuff you didn't know was there, a few coins, an empty vodka bottle a half full vodka bottle and an invitation to join AA

I wish I could wish upon a star and my dreams come true.

The has granted your wish

Unfortunately - last night you dreamed about a zombie invasion and they re about the eat your brains in the next few minutes.

I wish that everyone who selects the 'Express Aisle' at the supermarket is able to count to twenty and will select another lane if they have more items.

F S

Granted, they can count to 20 and would change where they were queueing, except that express tills no longer exist.

Instead of the current system, you now have one queue filtering to every till, meaning that nobody has any time to unload in advance, and almost everybody has further to walk. Still, the cashiers are happy as they get a longer break between customers and managers can't do anything about it.

I wish that politicians didn't have listening difficulties. NB I don't mean they can't hear, I mean they seem to deliberately not listen to what is said.

all politicians will hear and understand what you say to them, what is more they will put into practice all you suggest. This in turn will make you so big headed that you think you outrank the queen. This of course is treason and you will end your days chained to a wall in the tower of London.

I wish I were fit enough to take up amateur boxing again

You're fit enough, because the work you do has become a lot more physically demanding. However, the hours are longer and you haven't got the time, let alone the energy to compete.

I wish I had a better memory for names and faces.

Your consciousness is uploaded into a robot body and you now have perfect recall. But you can't feel anything, ever again.

I wish I for 20/20 vision. With my eyes, not with hindsight.

Granted. Your vision is perfect, both for close up and far away. As a consequence, you become painfully aware of visible flaws all around you, to which most other people seem oblivious. Also, as part of the give and take of these corrupted wishes, you lost half of your hearing when your sight improved.

I wish I was a jellyfish.

Your wish is our command, you are a jelly fish. Unfortunately you are raspberry flavoured and the very favourite taste of mermen who will devour you very quickly


I wish it would only rain by night leaving the days nice and dry and sunny.