h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Your thirst has just been quenched. A tiny sip of a delicious drink which permanently stops you ever feeling thirsty, and makes you feel so awash that your tonsils might float out of your head at any moment. However, it doesn't also reyhdrate you; five days from now, your slightly dessicated corpse will be found, sitting next to a fountain from which you had no urge to drink.

I wish that the delivery bloke would hurry up and come, so that I could catch up on my sleep.

You wake up 20 years later. You've never felt so rested and alert.

I wish to punch God in the face.

Go ahead, He/She/It's right in front of you large as life (realistic human height) and three times as ugly. Just bear in mind that they're immortal and you're not, so once you've landed your punch, they'll land an even harder one on you.

Not twisted enough? Okay then, they're so annoyed by your punch that they've also decided to swap places with you for the next millennium: You get all their power but will have to forgo all the pleasures of the flesh, until you become mortal again. Now you know why some deities have a reputation for being grouches.

I wish I wasn't moulting.

You are transformed into a squid. You will never, ever have to moult in your new underwater home.

I wish I had a magic refrigerator that magically refilled itself so I didn't have to go to the grocery store. Going to the grocery store is so inconvenient.

Granted. Bijou problemmette, it doesn't know when to stop. Every time the fridge door is opened, no matter how slightly nor for how little time, the wormhole into Loki-Space opens and even more food and drink is pulled into your fridge.

Within an hour, it's refilled itself so thoroughly that you can't enter the kitchen and, within a week, you'd better start selling groceries at half price or move, just to have enough space to lie down!

I wish for a larger oven, so that I'd be able to bake a couple of dozen cookies all at the same time.

Heating units are installed all along the walls of your home. Your entire house is an oven! But you'll have to go do your errands while you're baking the cookies and the furniture and the appliances.

I wish I wasn't bound by the relentless, unstoppable march of time!

You're free as a bird when it comes to how time affects you.

Unfortunately, nobody else is. This means that not only do you see your own child(ren), lover(s), friends, and relatives ageing unpleasantly before you've had time to even blink, but your (understandable, given that you've got more than enough time even if nobody else has) smugly relaxed attitude to timekeeping irritates the hell out of everyone who knows you.

I wish for high heeled shoes in which even I wouldn't stumble, trip, or fall over.

A large package arrives at your door

When you open it you find a pair of the most beautiful pair of stiletto heels you have ever seen

Unfortunately they are encased in a three metre cube of solid clear acrylic, you can display them, but never touch or wear them

If wish they would give me something new and interesting to do at the office.

F S

From now on, you'll be hotdesking.

No, not that... at random intervals, and in random spots, your desk will become hot. At the start of each day you'll be given a large ice cube, and all you have to do is prevent it melting completely away within 7 hours, no cool packs or insulation permitted. 3 meltdowns and you're out.

I wish thatI no longer got RSI.

Your entire skeletal, muscular, and nervous systems are replaced with a synthetic polymer that never wears out. But you can't feel anything anymore.



I wish I didn't keep running across one disaster after another.

From now on you will no longer run across one disaster after another, you will crawl through them instead, agonisingly slowly at that.

Not quite twisted enough? Okay then, you'll be completely immune to all mishaps great and small, unlike those around you and everyone who matters to you.

I wish to win every competition that I enter this month - fairly.

You do. And it's so impressive that the mafia kidnaps you and forces you to enter competitions for their own profit. But the added pressure and stress means you fail those competitions and the mafia is NOT amused. Not amused in the least.


I wish for an apple pie.

(Hmm... I was just at the grocery store too...)

Granted - it was an apple pie bed you wanted and not the edible variety, wasn't it?

I wish that cheque for the play equipment would hurry up and arrive.

Unfortunately they forgot to sign it.


I wish the mail I've been waiting for for the last TWO MONTHS would get here already!

Parcel for Mr X - it's all your mail from the last two months. That includes several very urgent reminders about payment.

I wish for deus ex machina to be a real thing, not just a lazy plot device.

I've invented a machine that's trapped God inside. From now on, humanity makes its own destiny... Mwahahaha.... Mwahahahahaha!!! .... MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

No, wait, don't touch that you'll set him free! -- Uh... Hi there God... Lovely weather we're having isn't it? ... Heh, heh... heh, heh, heh....

Aaah! No! Not the lightning! Please not the lightning!!

...

I wish ours was a forgiving and loving God...


(But actually what I wish for is that my family was all in one place and I could spend the 4th of July with them... )

They are all in one place, right here on planet Earth (including, of course, people currently aboard with space station missions in close Earth orbit).

Awful lot of them, though.




I wish my stamina were better.

Your stamina is superb. However, to increase yours, several thousand people had to be drained of theirs

recovering from a bit too much , too little food, too much sun, too much stress, and a stupidly late night.

I wish that anyone who wanted somebody else's home to be demolished had to watch their own home being razed to the ground first. With the contents still in it (apart from humans and animals).

Granted, they're drafted through Michael Moorcock's "Age of the Tyrant Movie Producers" into auditioning for the role of Arthur Dent in a major motion picture make of DNA's "A Hitch-hiker's Guide to the Galaxy".

Unfortunately the production folds on account of excessive costs to the auditioning process.




I wish I didn't have to out tomorrow, but I promised and all is in readiness.