h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

They are, but your home is being repossessed by the bank. Sorry about that.


I wish Alien Nation hadn't been cancelled after only one season. It didn't deserve such a fate.

*sigh* -- So sad...

Granted. Alien Nation will run forever on one proviso: You fund it.

I wish for an outdoor locker of unlimited size.

Your new outdoor locker is even more massive than you could have imagined! Unfortunately it is located in Siberia, the only location we could find with enough unoccupied space.

I wish it would stop raining long enough for things to dry out.

F S

Thanks to you, the Earth enters a Desertification Age.

I wish that by some very kind quirk of fate, a doctor's hunch will turn out to be wrong.

Fortunately it turns out that the doctor doesn't have cancer. Unfortunately, he was so preoccupied testing himself that he failed to notice that unsightly spot on YOUR test results....

(Incidentally, was he wrong? Or do you know yet?)



I wish I had the smooth, soothing, seductive voice that God gave to James Earl Jones....

You now have the voice, but part of the deal is that your looks and personality become repulsive in direct proportion to the increased attractivness of your voice.

You'll die rich, on the fortune made from voiceovers and premium phonelines.

I wish I could get back to sleep.

Half right, insisting on further tests, mostly to cover his back.

You did. But because you were asleep you missed the truly bizarre and amazing flying saucer that was hovering over your neigborhood last night. When you go to work the next day, the entire office is simply ABUZZ with conversation about it, it's the only thing that ANYONE is talking about. Simply a REMARKABLE occurance.

And you missed it! All because you needed to catch a few extra Z's.

Tut, tut, tut....





I wish to sell my soul to THE DEVIL!!

For my Grandma's lemon poppyseed cake.

One receipt from , after death, you're definitely going down. Frankly he's disappointed, Faust wanted far more than just a slice of cake. Incidentally, that cake you've been yearning for, a lovingly homemade cake turns out to be massproduced and merely turned onto a plate before you ever got to see. Still worth your soul?

I wish that one of my favourite DJs will be able to find a new venue.

Hey, I didn't say a SLICE a cake, I said a CAKE.


Your favorite DJ finds a new venue, in HELL!!!

(Which is actually a much nicer place than people think it is. Why would Satan torture his followers?)



I wish for a winning lottery ticket.

It's winning alright, it captivates everyone who sees it. If you auction it, you might even raise as much money as a medium level lottery prize. That's in spite of none of its numbers matching up with the ones drawn on the correct day.

I wish for a chip butty.

Made with American "chips." You might know them better as "crisps." It's very crunchy.

I wish Da Vinci's Demons would start its third season.

You can have that one (good for eight more seasons), but you won't like it; since the last one, all the scriptwriters have been replaced with the team who did Hannah Montanna.

I wish that insects found my blood less appetising.

Crisp sandwiches can be quite nice, and the crunchiness is a bonus - smoky bacon with cheese or egg, or salt & vinegar flavour with tuna.

Turns out they despise your blood. Can barely stand it. But they still need it to live, so they keep taking it.


I wish ancient civilizations really did hide their valuable artifacts in secret, labyrinthine fortresses that are full of booby traps and puzzles.

Your wish is my command. You even get the heart of the person you rescue during your latest expedition. Dripping, in your hand. Didn't I mention that both of you were attacked after that rescue?

I wish that I was anywhere else.

You are transported to a small chamber. Looking around, you find a refrigerator that never runs empty, a microwave, a stove, a bathroom, a faucet, and a bed. There is nothing else. There is no exit. Attempting to break down the walls, in any direction, only reveals solid rock.

After a period of time -- you don't really know how long because you have no way to keep track -- you realize that you no longer age.

You are alone. And you are trapped.

Forever.



I wish women had blue skin.

They do now. In fact, the entire human race looks to you as if it has blue skin, it's an irreversible side effect of that extra little something given to you last night.

I wish I could locate my yarn stash.

Here are instructions to a heavily guarded cove containing a safe with 86 number combination lock only known by military leaders scattered across the globe that do not exist yet. The yarn has somehow mutated into barbed wire. I ate your knitting set.

I wish I had some better way to spend my spare time that does not involve tea (caffeine), cars, (books?,) or the internet.

Granted You feel a strange compulsion to spend every free moment of your life making the world's largest rubber band ball. No inclination for books, no caffeine, no cars, no sex, no nothing. Your life revolves around constantly gleaning that extra half dozen bands to complete your quest until the day you die, crushed by your own creation.

I wish for a rainless day tomorrow.

The fire burns out of control and takes your house with it.


I wish to bend the universe to my will.

You bent it until it snapped in several places. I hope you know how to make the necessary glue.

I wish that every queue I'm in today will be a short and fast one.