h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

It does.
However, you're diagnosed with a severe case of Solar Urticaria.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Solar_urticaria

You'll never enjoy the sunlight again.



I wish it would only rain by day, leaving the nights nice and clear and sparkly.

Astronomers thank you for that wish. Unfortunately for you, they're outnumbered by thwarted and angry watercolour artists (and wouldbe sunbathers) who track you down and collectively beat you to a bloodstain covering half an acre of land.

I wish for self-peeling mushrooms.

WOT? you peel mushrooms!!

Only when needed. If you saw the state of some of them, you'd peel them too. Now do I get my wish or what?

No. Your wish has been denied by the Wish Gods.



Oh, alright. The mushrooms peel themselves, but only at random times, whenever THEY feel like it, not when YOU feel it's convenient.

I wish for a morale boost.

That's a tricky one, but granted.

Everyday from now on, whatever you do and wherever you are, you will recieve fulsome and sincere praise and/or compliments from several people, including complete strangers. Even Simon Cowell will somehow find something nice to say about your abilities, taste, looks, sparkling wit etc.

Which is enjoyable for a while, but it will mean that you'll never be sure whether you're improving or not. The pressure becomes unbearable and you eventually become the failure who you always suspected you really were deep down.

I wish for the biggest win on the lottery, ever. (BTW I'm aware that money can't buy happiness but that money's the means to an otherwise unachievable plan.)

you have won the biggest lotto prize ever presented. Your photo is published in every newspaper and web-site in the world. Not only do your family and friends demand you share with them, but even complete strangers demand their 'fair share' of your winnings every time you go out.

You can no longer leave the safety of your home and you should really consider upgrading your security system.

I wish all drivers would just pay attention to traffic.

F S

Henceforth all drivers just pay attention to traffic.

Not to pedestrians, nor to dogs, nor cats, nor horses, nor spillages, nor altered braking distances caused by the weather. The resultant carnage is impressive.

I wish that I had the life I nearly had instead of the one I've got.

Granted, you now have the life you nearly had. Unfortunately this life is the one you nearly had and it is nearly the way you thought it would be. However as you are such a perfectionist 'nearly' is not good enough. It is going to drive you mad as you will nearly get everything you wish for and will forever miss out

I wish my son would get married again and stop moaning that he is lonely

Easy!

Your son is no longer lonely (as in being alone), because he's married. He and his new wife will live unhappily ever after in sexless and loveless coupledom.

BTW I'm not a perfectionist.

Forgot the wish, didn't I?

I wish that next month I'll manage to meet up with the person I didn't meet last month.

They're in a horrible, crippling car accident. You meet them while they're in the hospital.

I wish for a pot of gold.

Granted However, you said "pot of gold", not "potful of gold", you really should be more careful with your wording.

The pot in question is made of 9 carat gold, no stones, no highly sought after name or brand attached to it, no hallmarking, and therfore has very little resale value except as scrap. It's far too large to be put anywhere except the garage, you can't get it through the front door, and leaving it in front of your home would be a bad idea.

You are tormented by a stream of leprechauns claiming the pot as their own and then complaining that it's far too large and heavy for them to carry. Eventually, you remember that if you catch one, you can claim three wishes from it, so you set humane traps and have nine uncorrupted wishes granted before the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Mythical Creatures catches up with you. In spite of the traps being humane, they confiscate your pot. OTOH you've had the extra wishes, and it's a relief to be rid of the pot as well as the leprechauns...

I wish that I could get my fingers to keep track of where they are when counting stitches across a row while it's being worked.

I wish that Mr. X hadn't been so amused by the wish which was granted that he forgot to either grant and corrupt mine, or come up with another wish.

*sigh* Work, work, work....



"I wish that I could get my fingers to keep track of where they are when counting stitches across a row while it's being worked."

Each finger is surgically implanted with a GPS unit that tracks its exact position on Earth within one millimeter. This doesn't help your sewing, however.


I wish I was Tony Stark.

granted. Being a superhero is can be exciting but is also a pain in the proverbial. I refer you to either scrubs of cardiac arrest, when the junior doctors are so long on call that they find themselves hoping that patients die before they get there just os that they get 5 uniterrupted minutes. They're ony responsible for one hospitalful of patients - superheroes have a lot more people depending on them.

I wish that Norfolk time ran at the usual pace instead of like cold treacle.

Norfolk time is now at the usual pace, unfortunately as you are psychologically attuned to treacle time you will forever be late for any appointments or by overcompensating be pathologically early. Thereby losing all your friends, your dentist, doctor and hospital appointments. You will of course end up ill, and alone until......

I wish I had a little more hair on my head and less on my chest

So? That's not a corruption at all! *Wags finger indignantly.*

?