h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

granted, it is over, no more pulled meat ever, although it has been replaced by a fashion for 'Fugu' which is being served everywhere, is now the only dish on any menu,and unfortunately most people eat the wrong bit (the liver) and become ill and die. be very careful when you dine out

I wish I could drink loads of whisky without getting drunk

Granted!

You're engaged in a drinking contest by a Cuban spy who's already had a snootful with bartender before the drinking match gets started and the bartender mixes up the Cuban spy's ice tea with your spiked whiskey.

Or maybe, the bartender just likes you, or maybe he's got it for the Cuban spy for some reason.




I wish I'd had fewer experiences like that in my youth.

You wake up one day and realize you're actually in a mental hospital. And have been for the last 25 years. Turns out your entire life was really a hallucination.


I wish I could teleport around like Nightcrawler.

Granted. Just one tiny snag, you can carry nothing at all with you; no clothing, no payment card, no implants, even the pigmant in tattoos remains where you were...

I wish for an interesting day.

A wormhole to the Cretaceous Period inexplicably opens up and a bunch of stegosaurs, hadrosaurs, ceratopsians, and sauropods come through and start obliviously wandering around the city, looking for plants to eat. They knock things over, step on people, and cause all kinds of property damage. I'd say that qualifies as interesting.


Hmm.... Aha! I wish to spend a day hanging out with Peter Dinklage.

Granted - you've been invited to spend the entire day hanging out with him. This includes a pubcrawl of low dives with exceptionally low ceilings.

I wish that I was more photogenic.

granted, but now hundreds of paparazzi are outside your house, follow you when you attempt to go to the shops, bug your phone line bribe your family for pictures of you in the shower and generally make your life so miserable you enter a nunnery


I wish I didn't eat so much chocolate

You are diagnosed as diabetic. Eat chocolate and DIE!


I wish I knew how best to proceed.

You're fully aware of how best to proceed. However, knowing what to do doesn't make it any less unpleasant or difficult than you expected.

I wish that the wind would drop so that I wouldn't get repeatedly slapped in the face by sheets of plastic.

The wind has dropped, unfortunately it dropped just as a piece of plastic is stuck to your face, impossible to remove before you turn purple and aargh!


I wish I could go back and put one thing right that I still feel guilty about

(You and me both.)




This is a time machine. It works perfectly, once. However, after that one trip, it bounces you all around time and space at random.

You're never able to make it back.



I wish for the same thing.

you do make it back, unfortunately the wrong you try to right is so awful the fuzz are waiting and you are incarcerated in a North Korean clink

I wish I could speak Japanese fluently, Konichiwa and all that

You can. But you can't read a word of it, so on the way out of Tokyo you accidentally board the wrong plane and end up in China. People get very angry when they hear you speak, for some reason.


I wish I wasn't perpetually tired all the time.

Granted, instead, you're filled with energy, zest, zip, zing, vigour, and bounce.

In fact, you're so full of energy etc that not only are you unable to sleep for more than 5 hyoeractive minutes, but you drive everyone around you mad with your exhausting tiggerishness.

I wish I could win the local thorn in the side over so that they'd help the campaign instead of apparently thwarting it.

fingers out of sych, I meant "hyperactive".

your 'thorn' is now on your side, unfortunately the 'thorn' is an arrogant bigoted monster who manages to take over your campaign and in doing so makes all your allies enemies thus ruining the campaign anyway.

I wish i was better edicated, edacated tort tahgt I mean smarter than wot i is

you are, but you're lumbered a huge inferiority complex.

I wish for a reminder that evil can die.

Republican Democracies utterly demolished the pre-existing monarchies. With very few exceptions, what monarchies still survive have no actual power.

Most formerly practicing European countries outlawed slavery in the 18th century, America followed suit in the 19th.

Segregation was done away with a hundred years after that.

While the Tianenmen square protests in China failed to make it a real democracy, they DID successfully strike fear into the elite's heart. Consequently, they loosened up China's economy enough that the common man can improve his lot in life.

The Soviet Union collapsed only a little over twenty years ago. Russia may not be perfect today, but I still think they're better off without it. Germany reunified two years before that.

Racism and social disparity still exist, I wish I could say otherwise, but on the bright side they've been steadily declining for over a hundred years.


And if that's not enough, then here, every one of these nutjobs is dead: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QLmnTOQ2YpM



And good riddance to all of it, I say. But, unfortunately, whatever it is that was bothering you is still bothering you.



I wish I could work faster.

you can now work faster than anyone else in your areas of expertise whether it be work or leisure,unfortunately no one can keep up with you and you are condemned to be lonely forever!

I wish my garden hedgehogs would make love quietly and not at two in the morning but rather some other time and some other place!!

That other time and place is first thing in the morning, just where your bare feet come down when you get up.

I wish that my favourite pizza takeaway was a bit less busy in the evenings.