h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

granted Nobody will ever interract with you again.

Unfortunately, this doesn't mean that you'll get any respite from your inner demons etc, which will slowly but surely drive you mad.

I wish that the next lot of banners stay up longer.

They are now permanently affixed to their edifice. They can never be removed.


I wish I knew what Archimedes was doing with the circles.

I could tell you, but trying to get your head around those concepts would risk leaving far too little room for all the things you really need to know or understand.

I wish for eloquence.

your eloquence has been noticed by a man named Dave who will whisk you off to be his speech writer. unfortunately he will make you put your words into his mouth making promises he will never keep. You will be reviled and forced into a job as a bingo caller in a high security prison where the only prize is a night in a cell with an inmate

I wish I wasn't so cruel,

Henceforth you'll spend your life being compassionate towards everyone and everything. You'll be greatly loved by people and anima;s alike, but your life will be extremely short. The trouble is, you'll be comapssionate even towards bacteria, viruses and pathogens in general, eschewing all use of antiseptics, disinfectants, insecticides, antivirals, antifungals, and antibiotics on ethical grounds.

I wish I knew what to ask for.

Here, this is a cheat sheet. It tells you everything you should ask, how you should ask it, and who you should ask it to in order to get the optimal results for all the rest of your life. Unfortunately it's written in an obscure language that you don't recognize.

I wish May 2011 to March 2015 had never happened.

* ...and of course, you are transported back in time to the last day of April of 2011, only to discover that all that followed to March 2015 was precipitated by your return. (With a little help from your friends.)

I wish I had a dedicated layer of coventional editing controls in the touch screen keyboard, including cursor control arrows, rather than being restricted to that horrible little dust bunny of a cursor control which is usually all that's provided with a touch screen system.




*Taking it from an Isaac Asimov article, Archmedes had developed a method for calculating infinitesimals convergent on the calculus, based on breaking the area of a circle down into a series of ever smaller and smaller triangles and taking the sums of their areas, which, among other things, he used to calculate one of the most accurate values for pi of classical times, which is what the Isaac Asimov article was primarily about.

At any rate, Archimedes would start by dividing the circle into octants, construct the chords bounding the octants, giving him 8 isoceles triangles, compute the area of one, multiply by 8, go to the next level constructing a perpindicular to one of the chords, construct the next layer of chords, giving him two right triangles per octant, compute the area of one, multiply by 16, etc....

...allowing him remarkably accurate calculations for an age before the introduction of the zero and the invention of place value notation...

ARCHIMEDES' SECRET - HORIZON - Discovery History Science (full documentary):

https://youtu.be/V6rbyZnr1sE

Granted. The trouble is that, you being you, you'll just go and do the same things you regret from then, all over again, in exactly the same way. And the same goes for anyone else involved in that erased timespan.

I wish that I could find my T shirt.

ARCHIMEDES' SECRET - HORIZON - Discovery History Science (full documentary): http://youtu.be/V6rbyZnr1sE

That's better.

"I wish I had a dedicated layer of coventional editing controls in the touch screen keyboard, including cursor control arrows, rather than being restricted to that horrible little dust bunny of a cursor control which is usually all that's provided with a touch screen system."
Granted. However, the rest of the software and hardware of that smart phone is so clunky and glitchy as to render it unusable at random intervals.

I wish that the washing machine engineer will fix the machine witout needing to send out for extra parts.

Granted, but he's dyslexial and reinstalls the affected parts upside down and backwards after a cursory cleaning, having lost miscellaneous nuts, bolts and washers in the process.




I wish I were capable of feeling sorry I spent the day on a pleasant snooze rather than doing something more ambitious with the time.

I refuse under any circumstances to grant that, as you seem to have needed a day off from sensible, productive, and useful activity.

I wish that the next lot of kneeling I do will make me ache less the day afterwards.

You hold your breath and kneel underwater. No reason, just on a whim.

The lifeguard assumes you're drowning and drags you kicking and struggling out of the water. The entire incident is very embarrassing for you and you never return to the pool again.



I wish people wouldn't be all judgmental and condescending about my.... aspirations....

I can only shrug it off so many times....

Granted

Instead, you have a crowd which breaks into rapturous applause - not just at everything you do, but at everything you intend to do. The final straw is when your wife tells you that it's them or her, you choose them, and they applaud you spending every subsequent night sinking into a drunken stupor surrounded by a growing heap of beer cans and halfeaten takeaways.

I wish I that "the wind" (aka phantom banner remover) would see the error of their ways.

They do. But it turns out they can't change them anyway.


I wish Penny still had long hair.

thanks to the use of a she does. Unfortunately, it also means that Howard's raucous voiced mother is still alive and querulous.

I wish that others would pull their weight.

Everyone but you has a wagon affixed to them that's weighed down to exactly match their own weight. They must drag these wagons where'er they go.

Understandably, they all come to resent you, free of burdens as you are. All your friends abandon you and nobody likes you.


I wish everyone on the planet had guaranteed access to housing, food, education, and medical care.

Even the staunchest Republicans agree that all that should be guaranteed and the recipients are personally liable for the expenses.




I wish the drought were over.

Smell that petrichor!

Now get building a flotilla of rafts as severe flooding will be caused by the heavy rain.

I wish I had a chance of getting a bath before October, reading in the shower just isn't the same.