h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

You can have a bath on September 28th.


I wish Game of Thrones was finished and complete and done and I didn't have to wait for new episodes anymore.

It is, as long as you stop watching the series and read the books instead. I've had them bound into one single hardback volume, just for you and it'll be delivered by ballista.

I wish that common sense was less rare.

Common sense is now ubiquitous, unfortunately it also means that all reality T.V. shows, April fool jokes and posting on h2g2 ceases and no one laughs anymore

I wish my arthritis would go away

Your arthritis has been replaced with hives, combined with a worldwide calamine and antihistamine shortage.

I wish that I had more energy.

This is a small nuclear reactor. It can power your home for the next twenty years.

Alas, you personally remain lethargic and bed-ridden for the rest of your life.



I wish for a small lampshade.

Here you are...

Whaddya mean, "I can't see it"? You wanted a small lampshade and that's just what I sent you; it's resting on the first dot of the ellipsis.

I wish for a peaceful day.

Granted of course, all your days from now on will be peaceful as you will sleep all day every day. Unfortunately your obsession with cleanliness means that you spend every night cleaning scrubbing dusting and polishing leaving you exhausted by day break

I wish my grandson would stop falling off his skateboard

He will never fall off it again. Your grandson is now permanantly fused to his skatebooard. He and it move everywhere as one, creating entirely imaginable problems with toiletting, bathing, dressing, using stairs...

I wish that my MP would back me up instead of claiming that I'm merely trying to make him look bad.

granted! he will back you up, into a corner and talk incomprehensible gobbledygook,(much as he does in parliament) and drive you into a whimpering mess you will vote for him just to get him to leave you alone, you will then discover you have voted for a party you hate, and they will form a government 'cos they win by 1 vote


I wish my knees worked properly

Your knees work fine, for a grasshopper; it's a shame that you're a human being.

I wish for inspiration.

Inspiration will now descend on you like a shower of perfumed rain, you will write wonderful poetry exciting music and produce inimitable works of art in sculpture, paintings and pottery, unfortunately you will get so big headed because of the acclaim you receive from the public you will lose all your friends and your family will only speak to you when they want something (I know I have been there)

I wish I were not so verbose

You can have a handful of tamarinds pickled in alum and that ought to take care of that.

I wish I didn't have to go out sometime this month.

Granted. You're suspected to be incubating a dangerous, untreatable, and highly contagious disease. With any luck, you'll be allowed to leave quarantine in 2016.

I wish for fine weather tomorrow.

Weather's never been better. You can't enjoy it though, because you give yourself a hernia and have to stay in bed for a week.

I wish to receive my mail.

your mail has arrived, unfortunately the mail you really really need to get is buried under a mountain of junk mail the size of Ben Nevis, by the time you get to read it the contents will be so outdated it will cause you a nervous breakdown and you will be unable to open mail ever again.

I wish I could remember names

You can remember the names of every ruler of Europe from the time of the Romans

Unfortunately all of your friends at the pub are still only a blur.

I wish I could retire from my job tomorrow.

F S

Retirement is yours, my friend .... from that job.
Unfortunately you have been head-hunted for a job working as public relations officer for Nigel Farage-Balloon.

I wish I could go on a round-the-world trip.

Instead of your usual medication, you are given an overdose of a very powerful psychotropic with the longest halflife known to humankind. It fails to wear off, and you end up travelling the world in the hope of findng something to counteract it.

I wish that whoever has been removing the banners will see the light and stop.

At the next intersection they see the red light and stop just in time to avoid a horrible car accident.

In a state of shock at how close they came to certain death, they leap out of their car and step away from it, desperately gasping for breath. As they wait for calm, they notice a banner that someone has left up by the side of the road....



I wish for peace of mind.

One of the things you worried about came to pass - you were mugged for all of your money, plus the keys to your house and car. During the attack, you received a blow to the head, which has left you alive, but physically unable to worry about anything ever again. You exist in a fuzzy cloud of serenity, surrounded by increasingly worried nearest and dearest.

I wish that the trend for ridiculously sweet pulled meat was over.