h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Is suddenly very busy wiping the table and rearranging the crockery. Her movements show frustration.*

I'm sure he's very nice. I really just wanted my Robbie back. And my old Ford. Along with what's in the trunk, of course.

*Puts her cup and saucer down and shows interest*

The trunk? Now, why would you want the contents of his nose back? (Yuck!) Surely you mean you want the contents of his "lunch box" back!

(We call the "trunk" of a car the "boot" over here and a "trunk" is either a very large suitcase or an elephant's nose! Oh, and a "lunch box" is...well...y'know...)

The boot, then. He took off with my inheritance. I had over a million dollars worth of stocks and bonds in my boot. In a gym bag under my track suit and runners.

*sighs*

Robbie was so stupid, I doubt he ever figured out what he had.

Evening all ...

I must say those cheesy buiscuits were delicious. Could I possibly have a pot of tea and another plate.

By the way someone seems to have parked a rather battered small car outside. This holdall was on the back seat and since all the doors were open I thought I'd better bring it in for safty.

You never can tell when someone's just going to walk away with something that doesn't belong to them.

Good heavens! What a curious coincidence! Phillipa, come and look at this.

More biscuits and tea coming right up, Lipsbury!

*Leaves Phillipa to rummage through the bag and wanders off to make some tea*

Mr. Pinfold! *Her face has gone white.* How, how did you do this? Its all here. Everything. I'm.... rich.

*She sits abruptly and begins to shake.*

Was there any sign of Robbie? I'm in shock. I don't know how to thank you. Thank you, you don't know what you've done. Six years, I've been searching. Six years!! You are a miracle worker.

*Overcome, she bursts into tears.*

Dear me - Theres no need for all this emotion

* rummages innefectually in pockets produces a ball of twine, 3 yards of bunting, a pack of cards, a small penknife and evenually a rather grubby hakerchief which after some deliberation he offers to Philippa*

I know people can be careless - but that's no need to be so upset. I'm sure whover owns the car will be back in a minute - probably just popped into the vilage shop for something and is still waiting for Vegiman to serve them.

In fact there was one chap I met in the shop who had been waiting five years for a packet of cigarettes

*She goes rigid with disbelief. She rushes out of the Shoppe, banging the door behind her. They see her race across to the Village Shops. Phillipa soon emerges with a man in tow. She is yelling angrily at him. Occasional words can be distinguished. Not the words you would expect to hear on a quiet village street. The man is looking abashed. He touches her hand. She falls into his arms, and soon they are behaving in a way that you would not expect to find on a quiet village street. Phillipa reenters the Tea Shoppe with the man's hand firmly in her own. The man is quite grubby looking with a long growth of beard.*

This, (radiantly smiling), is Rob!

*Spits out her mouthfull of tea in shock*

Good heavens! I think you'd better take Rob home and give him a jolly good bath, followed by a trip the the barber's shop!

* proffers some paper serviettes to Gwennie*

Dear Dear it seems to be a day of shocks for everyone ...

*looks at watch

Gosh is that the time - Toddle pip for now I must get back to my books ...

I promise m'dear, that I'll give up smoking.

You will, will you? Did you just decide that now?

Yes, my love. No more cigarettes. I'll chew gum instead. In fact I'll just slip over to the Shops to buy a pack now.

*Phillipa looks at him sadly.*
Just leave the bag and the car keys with me, Rob.

*He leaves.*

Gwennie, I think I need a drink, then a divorce.

Never mind sweetie! You're better off without him! Besides, his personal hygiene leaves much to be desired!

I know the names of several good solicitors who specialise in divorce cases, although most of my husbands have died before it ever got to that stage...

Come along dear, wipe those eyes! Let's go to the pub!

*Puts up a sign.*

SELF SERVE. BACK SOON.

Thanks, Gwennie!

* AHEM! *
* Self-Service? *
* Excuse me, my Dear. *
* Xanthe the Goddess takes a seat at a nearby table. GOD places a teapot and two cups on the tabletop. *
* Would you like to be "Mother"?? *

I'm here! I'm here!!

*Phillipa rushes into the shoppe. She is holding her hand to her face to hide it and is evidently in some pain. She bustles around into the kitchen and comes out with two plates of scones, little iced cakes, and bread and butter.*

Here you are, Lord G-a. Lady Xanthe. Have you both got your tea? That's good. Can I get you anything else? Would you like me to pour for you?

(speaking from behind her hand)

*flutter of wings*

Hello Mari-Rae, Philippa,

may I have an Earl Grey with some hot milk, please. And if there is some good cake I will not say no .

Hello God, nice to see you beeing around. How are you?

[Phillipa]

It is just me here, Kasia, my Aunt is down at the Pub. Earl Grey it is, and there is yellow cake, chocolate cake, lemon pound cake, and apple cinnamon cake. Which would you like? Don't mind my swollen face. I was stung by bees. I've put ice on it.

Oh, hi Phillipa!

Yes, a lemon pound cake would be fantastic.

*Kasia nipps on her Earl Grey and waits for the piece of cake*

[Phillipa]

Here you are! This is a special family recipe. I hope you like it. How do you like living in the Village now? Your cottage is so lovely.

Xanthe: