h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

To prevent more property damage at the café and make polite conversation over and possible there once more, I suggest that all Gefropo agents and other martialistic lifeforms go underground with me here. We shall endeavour to keep the café and environs safe without making our presence felt there, a task truly worthy of the Secret Frog Police!



A brief briefing:

We are under attack by robots, who are commanded by what appears to be a seven-year-old child. They took offense at our granting asylum to several unicorns, with which they were engaged in an ancient battle. With the aid of CYBERHUMAN, we have managed to destroy several of their number, but there are more approaching. They are accompanied by an unknown humanoid who seems to have been genetically engineered, and may either be in league with the robots or their hostage. We have set up both electronic scanning equipment and warding systems. CY and the youngest unicorn, Beta, are monitoring developments at the café, while I, Tavaron, Benjahv, and the eldest unicorn, Alef, are searching for both more clues and other unicorn survivors. If any of you have more details to report, tell us!

*CYBERHUMAN comes into the Gefropo HQ having been fully recharged. He looks much more refreshed, alert and healthy than he did before he recharged himself*

Hello everybody! Now, I think before we progress any further it is important to establish a few facts about both the unicorns and the robots. Knowledge of the enemy, their strengths and weaknesses, is the first step to winning any kind of battle. Fortunately, I have a wealth of knowledge about both the unicorns and the robots. Okay, let me tell you some information which may prove to be the key to your survival:

1) The robots - These robots originate from the galaxy of Riften Five, although their exact planet of origin remains a mystery. Some people suspect that the robots are acting under the orders of another race, perhaps the one who built them, while others suspect that they are acting under their own initiative. Either way, the robots are a vast race, with over ten million spaceships hidden throughout the solar system, and they are also a very technologically advanced race.

The robots and the unicorns became involved in what is known as the Boffin War when the unicorns drifted through the galaxy of Riften Five searching for new planets and new civilisations. It was a peaceful mission, and the unicorns wanted knowledge, not conquest, but the robots believed that the unicorns were seeking to conquer and colonise the planets of Riften Five. The robots also calculated that the unicorns were as equally intelligent as the robots themselves, and according to their programming the robots are not allowed to tolerate an equally high intellect. These two reasons gave the robots the excuse they needed to declare war on the unicorns. This war has been dragging on for six centuries, and neither side has gained a lasting advantage. The unicorns eventually fled to Earth, and the robots followed them...

The robots have a vastly superior intellect to the human race and emotion is profoundly alien to them. In fact, if emotion were to be pumped into them, their circuits would be overloaded and they would self-destruct. They have tremendous analytical abilities, being able to assess and evaluate a situation in minutes, and can devise strategies to counteract the situation easily. They also have tremendous firepower, with a paralysing beam fitted into their chests, the strength of ten fully grown men, and even more powerful weapons that we haven't encountered yet. They are best destroyed by being fired at with a high-intensity laser beam, or if their chests are smashed in some way, they can be immobilised. The robots also have advanced shape-shifting abilities, and by copying a living creature's DNA, they can transform themselves into an exact copy of that creature. So be warned, not everyone may be who they say they are!

2) The unicorns - Originally from the lush planet of Yu-Ni-Korn, the unicorns are a highly intelligent, peaceful and civilised species with the power of speech and telepathy. The planet Yu-Ni-Korn has vast oceans made of , and the unicorns migrate to the oceans every year to drink the that they find there in abundance. The unicorns are very civilised, having developed super technology, writing, poetry, music, and other forms of art. Their blood contains their telepathic abilities, and if that blood is touched by a human being it will give them the power to read other people's minds. Many people have tried to do this, but have been driven insane by the effect the telepathy has on them. You have been warned!

The unicorns were truly devastated as a race by the Boffin War and fled to Earth to avoid the robots. The robots followed them however, and the unicorns were occasionally glimpsed by human beings, assumed to be creatures of myth and legend. The robots meanwhile, proved to the inspiration for such works of art as H.G. Wells' "The War of the Worlds" and Marvin in "The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy."

Nobody knows (not even me!) how a unicorn can be killed. Some suspect an arrow dipped in liquid silver will be fatal to them, but nobody has ever put this theory to the test.

Don't forget, though, that unicorn blood can keep one alive!

And the problem with its telepathic powers is that it allows you to clearly and above all else hear your own thoughts, the ones you hide even from yourself - thus any person who touches it sees into his own subconscious. The only people who do not suffer from this are the truly good and pure who do not house uncharitable and violent thoughts - this may be how the legend that unicorns are attracted to maidens originated, as they would seek out the pure of heart when wounded, hoping that they would not be driven insane!

Quite possibly, and well said Mala!

Speculation, mind, but historical speculation. It is also possible that the robots on in bygone centuries chose dangerous, but native forms of predators and that this is the origin of the ongoing battle between "the lion and the unicorn" so often referenced by medieval song and story.

Here's an interesting link on our hstorical perception of our allies:
http://www.hum.au.dk/romansk/borges/vakalo/zf/html/the_unicorn.html

Although as usual, the ancient Chinese appear closer to the truth:
http://www.hum.au.dk/romansk/borges/vakalo/zf/html/the_unicorn_of_china.html

*CYBERHUMAN returns to the HQ*

Good evening everyone! I have just undertaken an inspection of the HQ for its' methods of defense and I would like to say I am very impressed with the excellent defense mechanisms we have installed here. The walls of this HQ are very thick and tremendously strong, and would be enough to delay the robots for a considerable length of time should they try to break through them. The rooms themselves have plenty of tables and chairs and shelves in them that could form quite a suitable barricade should the robots be able to break through the walls, so that's good. Finally, the labyrinth-like structure to this HQ would be enough to confuse the robots for quite a while too, I mean even with my sophisticated scanning systems I very nearly got lost looking round this place!

The weaponry stored here is some of the very best I have ever seen. The blaster rifles, the portable laser cannons, the explosives are all top notch and are perfect for delaying and destroying robotic life-forms such as the ones we are battling against right now. It is truly a remarkable HQ, and I give to those people who designed this HQ and obtained all the weaponry it contains. Well done!

It's an irontree, and the EG used ants to calculate the rooms - they're fairly good warriors, after all, and the organic structure should confuse the mechanical robots

Little lil tags along.. too mischievous for her own good.. and by far too inquisitive too..

Her friend Mala keeps an affectionate eye on her little friend, who also seems to be creating a friendship with Beta and a close affection for Cyberhuman as she seems to hang on his every word.

Just out of interest, Cyber - you're the closest we have to a robot - were you able to detect the weapons? And if I were you, I'd put that apple back where you found it, and don't pull the stem whatever you do!

*CYBERHUMAN puts the apple back on the table where he found it*

I'm afraid my scanners are not powerful enough to detect weaponry of a magical or mystical nature. Even I do have some flaws!

Good - not for you, but it means that they can'T see them either!

(like my sword? I got it from a girl who lives in the pond)

*comes forward to have a look at the sword and falls over her laces*

*CYBERHUMAN inspects Mala's sword*

Yes, it's a very nice and useful sword. The blade is solid and unlikely to rust, with a razor-sharp edge, and the hilt is wide so it will protect your hand easily. A very good sword overall.

and lovely balance!

*offers hilt to Cy*

*CYBERHUMAN takes the hilt of the sword and swishes it around for a few seconds, like a true swordsman. Then he gives it back to Mala*

OK, I think this tree is fairly well defended - what do your sensors say, CY? Do we have company yet?

*CYBERHUMAN turns slightly to the left and slightly to the right, a small buzzing sound coming from his visual scanners, then the buzzing stops and he speaks*

There's a lot of distortion on the scanners which could be natural animal life out there... or it could be something else. I'm sorry my scanners weren't more conclusive than that.

I am here

Hmmmm... Shall we go take a look?