h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*returns to the press room, clad in diving gear and a lab coat, wielding a pair of tongs, several test tubes, and a polygraph machine. Walks out, flippers slapping, to the trash, and flip-flops back in about twenty minutes later*



The herring didn't notice anything unusual...

*Odra flops quickly back out to the herring, and calls back inside*

He's still live enough to make it. Someone get me water, quickly!

Egad! *grabs an icebucket and several bottles of Evian water from the drinks table and rushes out after Odra* I'm coming!

*runs out back to the trash, to help Odra revive the herring, oblivious to the fate of her Simple Black Dress*

*pulls up a surgeon's mask hanging conveniently round her neck, grabs one Evian bottle and uses it to wash her hands. Thoroughly soaped, she rinses, dries, and has her gloves applied by Lil, serving as head nurse.

Cracking the next bottle of Evian, she wets her gloves, and pours the rest of the bottle carefully over the herring. This keeps him going long enough for her to take two other bottles of water and fill the icebucket (no ice in it, so as not to shock this already-stressed herring).

With great care, she transfers the fish to the water, where he begins breathing normally, splishing slightly his tail in thanks. The fish tries to speak, but is too weak to do more than whisper faintly:*

Thank you...but what becomes of me now?

*Odra looks at Lil, then Celery, sitting near the podium, leaves quivering in anxiety at the fish's wellbeing*


The newly-created Fish Sanctuary would be more than happy to welcome you, sir.

*the fish trembles slightly*
But..but...Peregrin...the lack of continuity....it...they...*breaks off, overwrought*

*Celery quivers sympathetically*
You'll have full immunity there. Asylum granted. And you're welcome as long as you'll stay.

*the fish is silent, grateful and relieved*

*Odra, who had been sipping the remaining Evian after her labours, leaps up and grabs the ice bucket*
Let's head for the Sanctuary, Lil. Sooner we can take him to proper swimming water, the better.

*Lil follows,carrying reserve bottle of evian*

*the two of them, bearing the herring, head for http://www.h2g2.com/A401202, to set this political prisoner free*

Wow, what a human, er, well, touching moment. I bet that herring would make a great testimonial for the Celery. Tippecanoe and Herrings too!

A grown man cries. From bathos to pathos. A host with the most.

Saint Celery you marvellous creation.

*Peregrin is seen crouching in a dark corner. He pulls out a remote control*

Nyahahaha! They fell for it. Now to use my remote-controlled VideoHerring(tm) to monitor exactly what goes on in Celery HQ.

*Presses buttons. The robotic Herring jumps out of Celery's fishtank and starts watching The Celery intently*

Bwahahaha!! *evil laugh*

*bearing, herring, bathos, pathos, host, most*

~Enters belatedly in a black, Victorian era tuxedo with a bright red carnation where he usually wears his skull insignia~

~Quietly, to whoever is standing in earshot~

Sorry I'm late -- I'm still scowering the land for a running-mate. Being the "Ross Perot" of this race has its drawbacks...

*enters room and walks purposefully to the front where the Celery is conferring with aides*
*goes right up to Candidate Celery and whispers in his ear*

*The Celery looks quite taken aback, and rather worried. A furrow-browed silence descends over the press room, until Odra comes in, at a brisk walk. She joins Lil and the Celery at the podium and speaks with them both. They confer, and Candidate Celery takes the microphone:*

Attention, please?

As you may recall, last evening a herring was found in our midst, abandonned behind the radiator. This herring was carefully checked for listening equipment and for videospycamera technology, due to the wire scares we have had during the course of this party. Some of this technology was found, but the herring surrendered it willingly, and was granted amnesty, taken to a private pool in the H2G2 Aquariums and Sanctuary, and was released.

lt was subsequently found that this herring was still under the employ of Peregrin, who still was attempting to manipulate this unfortunate creature into following his will, against his conscience. We have since talked with the herring, and he has expressed a genuine desire for rehabilitation. He currently is undergoing therapy and deprogramming at a private tank in the Aquarium, the location of which will not be revealed, for his privacy and security. We expect this herring to be given fair treatment by all, since he is in fact a H2G2 Creation and thus all laws of courtesy and respect apply.

l believe that this herring, given the help he needs and desires, will become a productive, helpful and free-willed member of the greater H2G2 community, and l and my staff are devoted to giving him that chance. Therefore, we ask respectfully that he no longer be manipulated, and no longer be involved in any political schemes, as he has requested.

Thank you for your attention.

D'oh! My evil scheme has been thwarted.

*Peregrin schemes a bit more*

I wonder if posting an explosive trout to The Celery would work.

Or perhaps I should give up on the whole subversive thing.

*Sets up an Icthyoid Scanner, just in case*

*Empties his pockets and deposits two dead trouts, half a goldfish, and his pet stickleback on the table next to the scanner*

I'm clean. No Icthyoids.

Well, it's a shame you felt the need in the first place to stoop to those tactics in response to the good will of your opposition. Nevertheless, we forgive you and welcome you in. Please feel free to go to the dining room and help yourself to the amazing food and drink there. The menu is on the main party page. Or you may prefer to take in some dancing in the room next door. Relax. Enjoy yourself.

Pierrot: Aaaaawwwwk, watch him like a hawk.

*watches Pierrot like a peregrine*

Peregrin, we have ways of dealing with people like you - as this transcript of a conversation between a couple of h2g2 Radio's key staff reveals.

Loonytunes, the DJ from h2g2 Radio, has been covering The Celery's press conference. He sits down with the stations award-winning producer, Asteroid Lil..

Asteroid Lil: Problem: what do you do when you're making a programme about castrati and want to play some of the music they made? No recordings exist, of course, because 200 years ago, even in liberal Holland, no one volunteered for the necessary op in the name of authenticity.

Loonytunes: We here at h2g2 Radio can do the next best thing. Use the voices of a soprano and countertenor. It will give the listeners a good idea of what castrati must have sounded like, and ensures that no human is harmed in the making of our programme.

Asteroid Lil: Loony that's a good idea. We can describe it, appropriately enough, as an "exploration of the abnormal and the sublime".

Loonytunes: Lil, did you know the 18th-century craze for castrati was confined almost entirely to Italy, where as many as 4000 young males had certain parts removed in the cause of art.
Their appeal lay in the fact that they grew up to be big strong men with the voices of little boys: castration, apparently, gives you a bulky physique, and female opera fans got off in a major way on the contrast between the singers' masculine appearance and feminine sound.
Castrati such as Pacchieroti and Farinelli - whom one musicologist calls an idol "of Mick Jagger proportions" - .were the prima donnas of the age. Composers such as Handel, Scarlatti and Gluck wrote works specifically for them.

Asteroid Lil: Loony, you'll be wanting to know how it was done. The odd thing is that nobody knows for sure. One theory is that a seminal cord was severed, but in some cases, it seems, the testicles were removed from the testicular sac while the subject lay in a warm bath. No anaesthetics then, of course; and the ever-attendant risk of a serious balls-up.

Loonytunes: Extraordinary.

Asteroid Lil: I think our programme should conclude with the speculation that castrati may yet walk the planet again.

Loonytunes: Move over, Pavarotti. Appointment with ... Castrati.

I believe that the same effect can be produced today by either the wearing of extraordinarily tight trousers and underwear, or the careful application of a monkey wrench!
Are any of the presidential candidates considering a career in castrati-singing then?
shazzPRME