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Camping Tips

You can compress the diameter of your rolled up sleeping bag by running over it with your car.

Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.

A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.

A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish.

A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.

You can start a fire without matches by eating Mexican food, then breathing on a pile of dry sticks.

In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.

The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.

A large carp can be used for a pillow.

Check the washing instructions before purchasing any apparel to be warn camping. Buy only those that read "Beat on a rock in stream."

The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.

It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large caravan.

Effective January 1, 1998, you will actually have to enlist in the Swiss Army to get a Swiss Army Knife.

Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears.

In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate.

Wash, Boil, Serve

British pigeons

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on
the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated:

Wash. Biol. Surv.

until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas

"Dear Sirs:

While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was
a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I
want to tell you, it was horrible."

The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.

How to Build a Campfire

  • Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers.
  • Bandage left thumb.
  • Chop other fragments into smaller fragments .
  • Bandage left foot.
  • Make structure of slivers (include those embedded in hand).
  • Light Match
  • Light Match
  • Repeat "a Scout is cheerful" and light match.
  • Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently into
    base of fire.
  • Apply burn ointment to nose.
  • When fire is burning, collect more wood.
  • Upon discovering that fire has gone out while out searching for
    more wood, soak wood from can labeled "kerosene."
  • Treat face and arms for second-degree burns.
  • Relabel can to read "petroleum".
  • When fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood.
  • When thunderstorm has passed, repeat steps.

Camping Hints

  • When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.
  • Get even with the bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favourite stump apart and eating all the ants.
  • A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.
  • The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.
  • While the Swiss Army knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.
  • Modern rain suits made of fabrics that "breathe" enable campers to stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze and cough, however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.
  • Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter.

    Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.
  • You'll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass.
  • You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.
  • The canoe paddle, a simple device used to propel a boat, should never be confused with a gnu paddle, a similar device used by Tibetan
So Long And Thanks For Laughing

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