I don't know where these jokes came from originally. I reproduce them here because there are rather a lot of them to send by email to friends!
How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
What's the difference between a Trumpet player and the rear end of a horse?
What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?
How do trumpet players traditionally greet each other?
How do you know when a trumpet player is at your door?
Why can't a gorilla play trumpet?
In an emergency a jazz trumpeter was hired to do some solos with a symphony orchestra. Everything went fine through the first movement, when she had some really hair-raising solos, but in the second movement she started going improvising madly when she wasn't supposed to play at all.
After the concert the conductor came round looking for an explanation. She said,
"I looked in the score and it said `tacit'--so I took it!"
What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw?
How can you make a french horn sound like a trombone?
How do you know when a trombone player is at your door?
What is a gentleman?
What do you call a trombonist with a beeper and a cellular telephone?
What is the difference between a dead trombone player lying in the road, and a dead squirrel lying in the road?
How many trombonists does it take to change a lightbulb?
How do you know when there's a trombonist at your door?
How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car?
What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?
How can you tell which kid on a playground is the child of a trombonist?
What is the dynamic range of the bass trombone?
It is difficult to trust anyone whose instrument changes shape as he plays it!
French Horn Jokes
How can you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
What is the difference between a french horn section and a '57 Chevy?
What do you get when you cross a French Horn player and a goalpost?
How many French horn players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Why is the French horn a divine instrument?
How do horn players traditionally greet each other?
A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her
roommate asked, "Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?"
"Nah," the first girl replied. "That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no
fun at all."
The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her
roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"
"Ugh!" the first girl exclaimed. "Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering
slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross!"
The next night she went out with a French horn player, and when she came back
her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"
"Well," the first girl replied, "his kissing was just so-so; but I loved the way
he held me!"
What's the range of a tuba?
How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?
What's a tuba for?
Note: in the USA, a 2 x 4 is a two-inch by four-inch piece of wood, which actually measures 1 1/2 inches by 3 1/2 inches.
How do you fix a broken tuba?
These two tuba players walk past a bar...
Well, it could happen!
How do you get two piccolos to play in unison?
Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?"
The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."
Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
What is a burning oboe good for?
What is the definition of a half step?
What is the definition of a major second?
How do you get an oboist to play A flat?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?
What's the definition of "nerd?"
What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
You might notice that there are very few jokes about the clarinet. This is out of sympathy. The clarinet has already been the butt of so many jokes - the saxophone, for instance.
How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to change the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would
have done it.
What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower?
What's the difference between a baritone saxophone and a chain saw?
The soprano, not being smart enough to use birth control, says to her
saxophonist lover, "Honey, I think you better pull out now."
He replies, "Why? Am I sharp?"
Small wonder we have so much trouble with air pollution in the world when so
much of it has passed through saxophones.
What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
Why are viola jokes so short?
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
String players' motto: "It's better to be sharp than out of tune."
Why is a violinist like a SCUD missile?
Why don't viola players suffer from piles (hemorrhoids)?
What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin?
Why do violinists put a cloth between their chin and their instrument?
Why should you never try to drive a roof nail with a violin?
A violinist says to his wife, "Oh, baby, I can play you just like my violin."
His wife replies, "I'd rather have you play me like a harmonica!"
Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an autograph book by a fan while in the greenroom after a concert. "There's not much room on this page," he said. "What shall I write?"
Another violinist, standing by, offered the following helpful hint: "Write your repertoire."
"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant.
"You have, Your Honour," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter."
"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"
How do you get a 'cellist to play fortissimo?
How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
Did you hear about the bassist who was so out of tune his section noticed?
How many string bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
How do you make a double bass sound in tune?
How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A double bass player arrived a few minutes late for the first rehearsal of the local choral society's annual performance of Handel's Messiah.
He picked up his instrument and bow, and turned his attention to the conductor. The conductor asked, "Would you like a moment to tune?"
The bass player replied with some surprise, "Why? Isn't it the same as last year?"
At a rehearsal, the conductor stops and shouts to the bass section: "You are out of tune. Check it, please!"
The first bassist pulls all his strings, says, "Our tuning is correct: all the strings are equally tight."
The first violist turns around and shouts, "You bloody idiot! It's not the tension. The pegs have to be parallel!"
Two bass players were engaged for a run of Carmen. After a couple of weeks, they agreed each to take an afternoon off in turn to go and watch the matinee performance from the front of the house.
Joe duly took his break; back in the pit that evening, Moe asked how it was.
"Great," says Joe. "You know that bit where the music goes `BOOM Boom Boom Boom'--well there are some guys up top singing a terrific song about a Toreador at the same time."
There was a certain bartender who was quite famous for being able to accurately guess people's IQs. One night a man walked in and talked to him briefly and the bartender said, "Wow! You must have an IQ of about 140! You should meet this guy over here." So they talked for a while about nuclear physics and existential philosophy and had a great time.
A second man walked in and soon the bartender has guessed about a 90 IQ for him. So he sat him down in front of the big-screen TV and he watched football with the other guys and had a hell of a time.
Then a third man stumbled in and talked to the bartender for a while. The bartender said to himself, "Jeez! I think this guy's IQ must be about 29!" He took him over to a man sitting at a little table back in the corner and said, "You might enjoy talking with this guy for a while."
After the bartender left, the man at the table said, "So do you play French bow or German bow?"
Why are harps like elderly parents?
How long does a harp stay in tune?
What's the definition of a quarter tone?
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright?
Why was the piano invented?
The audience at a piano recital were appalled when a telephone rang just off stage. Without missing a note the soloist glanced toward the wings and called, "If that's my agent, tell him I'm working!"
What does a German Hammond organist do in his life's most tender moments?
The organ is the instrument of worship for in its sounding we sense the Majesty of God and in its ending we know the Grace of God.