The World's Funniest Golf Joke

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****If anyone has any corrections for golfing terms and/or strategies then please let me know. Me - I haven't a clue!****

Source: Mr Crispin E. H. Brooks. (This joke sounds like it came from Ronnie Corbett, but didn't.)

Picture the scene, if you will: Jesus and St Peter are playing a nice relaxing round of golf. All is going well for them - St Peter knocked in birdies on the second and third holes to go two strokes up but Jesus levelled the score when he eagled the fifth.

Reaching the tee for the sixth hole Jesus is understandably feeling rather confident, even though he knows full well the perils of the water-feature on this hole. Both players hit their first shot straight down the fairway and start walking. As they reach their balls they start to survey the lake and discuss what each should do. St Peter, being slightly behind on the fairway goes first.

"So which club are you gonna use?" asks Jesus, "I mean, you'll never get over the water from here!"

"Yeah, perhaps you're right," replies St Peter, "I think I'll play it safe."

And so St Peter selects a five iron and hoinks the ball up into the air - it lands dead centre of the fairway, just short of the lake, leaving him a nice chip up onto the green from where St Peter should easily make his par four.

"So, how about you?" enquires St Peter.

"Well," says Jesus, "I've been watching a few golfing videos and TV re-runs, that sort of thing, and I've been rather taken by the masterful strokes of Arnold Palmer. The man is a genius, you know Peter."

"Of course he is, but surely you don't expect to match up to his standards?"

"Well no, but I feel like I've picked up an awful lot from watching the old master - and you saw that putt on the last hole. I want to try something more adventurous and besides, I need to get a bit of a lead on you, you know how well you always play the last four holes."

"You're not going to try for the green are you?"

"Well... Arnold Palmer would make the green from here so I think I could. He'd use a three iron and so will I."

And with that Jesus pulls out the three iron and gives the ball an almighty Thwack! - Zzzip - the ball flashes up into the air like a speeding bullet. Slowly it starts to descend. Jesus and St Peter look on anxiously - will it clear the water or won't it? Splish! The ball drops smack into the centre of the lake.

"God dammit!" curses Jesus as he zaps a passing blackbird with a bolt of lightning from his fingers.

"Now, now!" says St Peter, attempting to placate the irate saviour, "Take the shot again. Go on! I don't mind, really. Just think about yourself as a player and forget about Arnold Palmer."

"Thanks," grumbles Jesus.

Jesus strides up the fairway, walks across the lake and starts to scrabble below the water to retrieve his ball. After a few moments he succeeds and returns to St Peter to re-take the shot.

"About here, was it?"

"Yup, that'll do. Just remember what I said - focus on yourself in the here and now."

"But," says Jesus, having had time to reflect and calm down a bit, "Arnold Palmer would have made that shot with a three iron, I know it. And if he can make it then there's no reason why I can't."

"Oh, for heaven's sake," says an exasperated St Peter, "go on then, do what you will."

And so Jesus once again stands astride his ball, carefully lines up his shot, pulls back and then Thwack! For the second time the ball shoots through the air, looking for all the world like its heading for the moon. St Peter fervently hopes that the shot is good so that he can continue his game, but to his dismay the ball once again lands Splish! in the centre of the water.

"Aarrgh! Jesus Christ Almighty!" Jesus once again profanes, this time choosing to set a plague of locusts onto a passing greens-keeper.

"Steady on there!" says St Peter, trying his best to calm down the Lord.

"But... But... But if Arnold Palmer can make the shot then why can't I? I've been playing golf for much longer than he has - this isn't fair!"

"Life isn't fair, you know that." says St Peter, "Try again, only this time listen to your head and not your television."

"OK, OK." replies Jesus, "Whatever you say, Pete. I'll go and get the ball."

And with that Jesus, for the second time, strides up the fairway, across the lake and begins to fish below the surface for his ball. He soon recovers it and returns to the rapidly becoming impatient St Peter, where he begins to contemplate his next attempt.

"Now, come on," implores St Peter, "You've shown twice now that you're not a golf professional - play to your abilities not those of others."

At this Jesus pauses a while, however despite more pleading from St Peter he once again elects to attempt to copy his golfing hero.

"I'm ready," says Jesus. "Ready to try again - only this time I will make it. Pete, had me the three iron, please."

"You're joking!" gasps St Peter. "OK, but this is it. If you don't make the green with this shot then next time you use a five iron. I'm not going to give you any more shots, alright?"

"Fine," replies Jesus, "Just give me the club, will you?"

For the third time Jesus approaches the ball. 'Keep your feet firmly placed. Swing those hips. Keep your head still. Remember the follow-through.' Pages from golfing manuals suddenly come flooding back to him. 'I can do it. I will do it.' he thinks to himself.

Slowly, steadily, Jesus draws back the club, pausing briefly at the end of a tremendous back-swing, before unleashing a shot of almost Earth-shattering power - THWACK! For a brief second the ball disappears from view into a low cloud before reappearing smack in line with the pin. Tempted as he is to use his powers and simply blow the ball onto the green he merely holds his breath and waits. St Peter too, stands stock still, gazing in awe at what he thinks he has seen. Gradually, the ball begins to drift lower and after what seems like an age, creates a gentle splish! in the water.

At this, Jesus' shoulders slump.

"It's no good. I can't do it. I'll have to play it short and go for a par four."

And with that he slowly wanders up the fairway and onto the water.

By this time the pair following Jesus and St Peter on the round have caught up and have approached St Peter to find out what the delay is. As he begins to speak one of the pair notices Jesus up ahead, standing on the water, fishing around for his ball.

"Hey, who does that guy think he is?", clearly not recognising Jesus, "The son of God?"

"No," says St Peter, "He think he's Arnold bl**dy Palmer!"


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