Musician Jokes

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I don't know where these jokes came from originally. I reproduce them here because there are rather a lot of them to send by email to friends!
- Joanna

Brass Jokes

Trumpet Jokes

How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?

  • Five. One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could have done it.

    • What's the difference between a Trumpet player and the rear end of a horse?

  • I don't know either.

    • What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?

  • Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.

    • How do trumpet players traditionally greet each other?

  • "Hi. I'm better than you."

    • How do you know when a trumpet player is at your door?

  • The doorbell shrieks!

    • Why can't a gorilla play trumpet?

  • He's too sensitive.

    • In an emergency a jazz trumpeter was hired to do some solos with a symphony orchestra. Everything went fine through the first movement, when she had some really hair-raising solos, but in the second movement she started going improvising madly when she wasn't supposed to play at all.

    After the concert the conductor came round looking for an explanation. She said,

    "I looked in the score and it said `tacit'--so I took it!"

    Trombone Jokes

    What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw?

  • Vibrato, though you can minimise this difference by holding the chainsaw very still.
  • It's easier to improvise on a chainsaw.

    • How can you make a french horn sound like a trombone?

  • Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste.
  • Take your hand out of the bell and miss all of the notes!

    • How do you know when a trombone player is at your door?

  • The doorbell drags.

    • What is a gentleman?

  • Somebody who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't.

    • What do you call a trombonist with a beeper and a cellular telephone?

  • An optimist.

    • What is the difference between a dead trombone player lying in the road, and a dead squirrel lying in the road?

  • The squirrel might have been on his way to a gig.

    • How many trombonists does it take to change a lightbulb?

  • Just one, but he'll do it too loudly.

    • How do you know when there's a trombonist at your door?

  • His hat says "Domino's Pizza"

    • How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car?

  • Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.

    • What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?

  • "Year-At-A-Glance."

    • How can you tell which kid on a playground is the child of a trombonist?

  • He doesn't know how to use the slide, and he can't swing.

    • What is the dynamic range of the bass trombone?

  • On or off.

    • It is difficult to trust anyone whose instrument changes shape as he plays it!

    French Horn Jokes

  • How do you get your viola section to sound like the horn section?
  • Have them miss every other note.

    • How can you make a trombone sound like a french horn?

  • Stick your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

    • What is the difference between a french horn section and a '57 Chevy?

  • You can tune a '57 Chevy.

    • What do you get when you cross a French Horn player and a goalpost?

  • A goalpost that can't march.

    • How many French horn players does it take to change a lightbulb?

  • Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.

    • Why is the French horn a divine instrument?

  • Because a man blows in it, but only God knows what comes out of it.

    • How do horn players traditionally greet each other?

  • "Hi. I played that last year."
  • "Hi. I did that piece in junior high."

    • A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her
    roommate asked, "Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?"

    "Nah," the first girl replied. "That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no
    fun at all."

    The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her
    roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"

    "Ugh!" the first girl exclaimed. "Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering
    slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross!"

    The next night she went out with a French horn player, and when she came back
    her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"

    "Well," the first girl replied, "his kissing was just so-so; but I loved the way
    he held me!"

    Tuba Jokes

    What's the range of a tuba?

  • Twenty yards if you've got a good arm!

    • How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?

  • Three! One to hold the bulb and two to drink 'till the room spins.

    • What's a tuba for?

  • 1 1/2" by 3 1/2" unless you request "full cut."

    • Note: in the USA, a 2 x 4 is a two-inch by four-inch piece of wood, which actually measures 1 1/2 inches by 3 1/2 inches.

    How do you fix a broken tuba?

  • With a tuba glue.

    • These two tuba players walk past a bar...

    Well, it could happen!

    Woodwind Jokes

    Flute/Piccolo Jokes

    How do you get two piccolos to play in unison?

  • shoot one.

    • Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?"

    The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."

    Oboe/Bassoon Jokes

    Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?

  • The bassoon burns longer.

    • What is a burning oboe good for?

  • Setting a bassoon on fire.

    • What is the definition of a half step?

  • Two oboes playing in unison.

    • What is the definition of a major second?

  • Two baroque oboes playing in unison.

    • How do you get an oboist to play A flat?

  • Take the batteries out of his electric tuner.

    • Why did the chicken cross the road?

  • To get away from the bassoon recital.

    • What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?

  • A bad oboist can kill you.

    • Clarinet Jokes

    How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?

  • Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.

    • What's the definition of "nerd?"

  • Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.

    • What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?

  • Gifted.

    • Saxophone Jokes

    You might notice that there are very few jokes about the clarinet. This is out of sympathy. The clarinet has already been the butt of so many jokes - the saxophone, for instance.

    How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb?
    Five. One to change the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would
    have done it.

    What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower?

  • Lawn mowers sound better in small ensembles.
  • The neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawnmower and don't return it.
  • The grip.

    • What's the difference between a baritone saxophone and a chain saw?
    The exhaust.

    The soprano, not being smart enough to use birth control, says to her
    saxophonist lover, "Honey, I think you better pull out now."

    He replies, "Why? Am I sharp?"

    Small wonder we have so much trouble with air pollution in the world when so
    much of it has passed through saxophones.

    Strings Jokes

    Violin Jokes

    What's the difference between a violin and a viola?

  • There is no difference. The violin just looks smaller because the violinist's head is so much bigger.

    • What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?

  • A fiddle is fun to listen to.

    • Why are viola jokes so short?

  • So violinists can understand them.

    • How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?

  • The dog knows when to stop scratching.

    • How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?

  • None. They can't get up that high!

    • String players' motto: "It's better to be sharp than out of tune."

    Why is a violinist like a SCUD missile?

  • Both are offensive and inaccurate.

    • Why don't viola players suffer from piles (hemorrhoids)?

  • Because all the a******s are in the first violin section.

    • What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin?

  • No-one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle.

    • Why do violinists put a cloth between their chin and their instrument?

  • Violins don't have spit valves.

    • Why should you never try to drive a roof nail with a violin?

  • You might bend the nail.

    • A violinist says to his wife, "Oh, baby, I can play you just like my violin."

    His wife replies, "I'd rather have you play me like a harmonica!"

    Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an autograph book by a fan while in the greenroom after a concert. "There's not much room on this page," he said. "What shall I write?"

    Another violinist, standing by, offered the following helpful hint: "Write your repertoire."

    "Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant.

    "You have, Your Honour," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter."

    "Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"

    Cello Jokes

    How do you get a 'cellist to play fortissimo?

  • Write "pp, espressivo"

    • How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

  • Sell it and buy a violin.

    • Bass Jokes

    Did you hear about the bassist who was so out of tune his section noticed?

    How many string bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

  • None; the piano player can do that with his left hand.

    • How do you make a double bass sound in tune?

  • Chop it up and make it into a xylophone.

    • How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

  • 1...5...1... (1...4...5...5...1)

    • A double bass player arrived a few minutes late for the first rehearsal of the local choral society's annual performance of Handel's Messiah.
    He picked up his instrument and bow, and turned his attention to the conductor. The conductor asked, "Would you like a moment to tune?"

    The bass player replied with some surprise, "Why? Isn't it the same as last year?"

    At a rehearsal, the conductor stops and shouts to the bass section: "You are out of tune. Check it, please!"

    The first bassist pulls all his strings, says, "Our tuning is correct: all the strings are equally tight."

    The first violist turns around and shouts, "You bloody idiot! It's not the tension. The pegs have to be parallel!"

    Two bass players were engaged for a run of Carmen. After a couple of weeks, they agreed each to take an afternoon off in turn to go and watch the matinee performance from the front of the house.

    Joe duly took his break; back in the pit that evening, Moe asked how it was.

    "Great," says Joe. "You know that bit where the music goes `BOOM Boom Boom Boom'--well there are some guys up top singing a terrific song about a Toreador at the same time."

    There was a certain bartender who was quite famous for being able to accurately guess people's IQs. One night a man walked in and talked to him briefly and the bartender said, "Wow! You must have an IQ of about 140! You should meet this guy over here." So they talked for a while about nuclear physics and existential philosophy and had a great time.

    A second man walked in and soon the bartender has guessed about a 90 IQ for him. So he sat him down in front of the big-screen TV and he watched football with the other guys and had a hell of a time.

    Then a third man stumbled in and talked to the bartender for a while. The bartender said to himself, "Jeez! I think this guy's IQ must be about 29!" He took him over to a man sitting at a little table back in the corner and said, "You might enjoy talking with this guy for a while."

    After the bartender left, the man at the table said, "So do you play French bow or German bow?"

    Harp Jokes

    Why are harps like elderly parents?

  • Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.

    • How long does a harp stay in tune?

  • About 20 minutes, or until someone opens a door.

    • What's the definition of a quarter tone?

  • A harpist tuning unison strings.

    • Piano Jokes

    What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

  • A flat minor.

    • What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

  • A flat major.

    • Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright?

  • Because it makes a much bigger kaboom when dropped over a cliff.

    • Why was the piano invented?

  • So the musician would have a place to put his beer.

    • The audience at a piano recital were appalled when a telephone rang just off stage. Without missing a note the soloist glanced toward the wings and called, "If that's my agent, tell him I'm working!"

    Organ Jokes

    What does a German Hammond organist do in his life's most tender moments?

  • He puts his Leslie on "slow".

    • The organ is the instrument of worship for in its sounding we sense the Majesty of God and in its ending we know the Grace of God.

    Visit So Long and Thanks for Laughingsmiley - smiley & the h2g2 Musician's Guild.


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