The Police

1 Conversation

Back to So Long, And Thanks For Laughing


The following exchanges are taken from transcripts of 911 calls:

A 999 call
Caller: "I'd like to make a unanimous complaint, so don't use my name."

Caller: "I'm reporting a deer on the road. I almost hit it."

Call-taker: "Is the deer alive?"

Caller: "Oh, no, it's run over. Many, many cars. Again and again, and - OH NO!!! NOT AGAIN!"

Caller: "Am I talking to a real person, or is this a recording?"

Caller: "We might (cough) need the fire department here (cough)."

Caller: "Is it okay for a civilian to take a person to the hospital, or does the ambulance have to do it?"

Caller (on realizing the police are on the way): "Get the keg outta here, dude!"

Caller: "He's not breathing!"

Call-taker: "Can you get the phone close to him?

Caller: "WHY? You want to hear he's not breathing, too?"
Phone gibberish
Call-taker: "Does she have any weapons?"

Caller: "Well, she has real long finger nails."

Call-taker: "We'll need a description of him."

Caller: "He's a lawyer."

Caller: "No, she just didn't fall...I helped her!"

Complaint about a stolen mailbox:

Call-taker: "What is your address?"

Caller: "It's gone."

"Interpreting A Police Report"

Boy showing false IDWhat the report SAID (1), What the report MEANT (2)

(1) While on routine patrol...

(2) I was in the car because the coffee shop was closed.

(1) The motorist was operating his vehicle in a reckless manner.

(2) He had a bumper sticker that said "SLOW DOWN- DON'T FEED THE PIGS"

(1) The accident scene and the safety of the victims prevented this officer from doing traffic control.

(2) It was raining.

(1) This officer went out-of-service to obtain intelligence information from a street informant.

(2) It was too hot to ride in the car.

(1) I observed the suspect acting in a suspicious manner...

(2) The dirt-bag let go with an "Oink" as I walked by.

(1) Knowing the suspect had a criminal history...

(2) He puked on my uniform one night...

(1) The informant is of known credibility and has provided reliable information in the past...

(2) I've got two theft cases hanging over his head...

(1) While being arrested, this subject resisted being injured in the act...

(2) He ripped my shirt and broke my new mirror sunglasses...

(1) The motorist was cited for multiple traffic violations...

(2) I wrote one citation for each swearword he used...
(1) Upon announcing my title and purpose, I heard a voice from inside the house say "Come in" so this
writer entered through the door...

(2)The rock music was so loud they wouldn't have heard Patton's army so I kicked in the door.

(1) The members of the press at the scene were offered every courtesy within departmental policies...

(2) I sent them to a nonexistent address which I called the "Command Post."

(1) I gave the motorist a verbal warning for speeding...

(2) She was a good-looking blonde who owned a liquor store and who was free after my shift was over.

(1) The Chief appeared at the scene and took command...

(2) I sent him to the same address as the reporters.

(1) Further interview of the witness was impossible, due to conditions.

(2) It was my bowling night...

(1) The motorist eyes were glassy, he had slurred speech, was unsteady on his feet, and smelled
strongly of an alcoholic beverage.

(2) He was howling at the moon and trying to drive the car from the back seat.

(1) The defendant asked this officer's advice on how to act before the judge.

(2) I told him he didn't have the balls to call the judge the same name he called me.

Police Quotes......

"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we

"Just how big were those two beers?
The Police

A woman got pulled over for speeding by a California Highway
Patrol motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and
opened his ticket book she said, "I bet you're going to sell me
tickets to the Highway Patrol Ball."

He replied, "No, Ma'am, highway patrolmen don't have balls." There followed a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he had said. Without saying another word, he closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.

A state trooper pulls over a car on a lonely back road and approaches the driver. "Sir, is there a reason you're weaving all over the road?"

The driver replies, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost
had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I
swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"

Reaching through the side window to the rearview mirror, the officer
says, "Sir, that's your air freshener."

So Long And Thanks For Laughing

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