|So Long And Thanks For Laughing|
A lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is
listing his sins:
- Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he
knew they were guilty.
- Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee
- Overcharging fees to many clients.
- Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case.
And the list goes on for quite a while.
The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also." St. Peter looks in his book and says,"Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?"
The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, "Yes."
St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell."
A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking
sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful and very naked woman.
"That's unfair!" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."
"Shut up," barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
The best thing about Hell....
Plenty of legal help available for filling "wrongful death" lawsuit.
99.9% of Lawyers give the rest a bad name.
There was a cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow.
One was pulling the cow by the tail, the other was pulling on the horns.
Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.
"Tell me again" asked the judge, "why you parked there?"
The man answered respectfully, "because, your Honour, it said fine for parking."
Someone mistakenly left the cages open in the reptile house at the Bronx Zoo once, and there were snakes
slithering all over the place.
Frantically, the keeper tries everything, but he can’t get them back in their cages. Finally he says, "Quick, call a
"A lawyer? Why??"
"We need someone who speaks their langauge!"
Bill Gates decided to hold a contest for the lawyers. Whoever wins gets to handle all of Microsoft’s business. The day of the event, the Gates’ estate is swamped with lawyers, all eager for the nod from the richest man in the world.
“Gentlemen,” Gates starts, “please follow me.” He leads them to an enormous swimming pool filled with piranha. Then
he snaps his fingers. With that, a servant opens the door.
A cow rushes out and stumbles into the pool. In no time at all, the cow is nothing but bones.
Gates said, “Any man who can swim the length of that pool shall represent me in all my business and personal dealings.”
Instantly, a lawyer named Carl pitches into the water. Furiously he swims across the pool, hauls himself out and
stands there panting.
“Bravo!” shouts Gates. “You have proven to me how much you want my business.”
“Actually, I want just one thing.” Carl gasps.
“The name of the lawyer that pushed me in.”
An attorney was sitting in his office one night, when the Devil appeared before him.
The Devil told the lawyer, ''I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life.
Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make incredible sums of money.
All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children'ssouls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and
parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners.''
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, ''So, what's the catch?''
A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetary back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said "Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
A lawyer was walking down the street and saw an auto accident. He rushed over, started handing out business cards, and said, "I saw the whole thing. I'll take either side."
“Your Honour, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in
New York City a week ago and barely knows his way around. What’s more, he only speaks a few words of English.”
The Judge looks at the defendant and says, “How much English can you speak?”
The defendant looks up and says, “Give me your wallet!”
The American lawyer was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman
docked. Inside the small boat were several large Yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied only a little while.
The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish?
The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.
The Lawyer then asked, but what do you do with the rest of your time?
The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life, senor."
The American scoffed, "I am a Lawyer and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat, with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."
The Mexican fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will this all take?" To which the American replied, "15-20 years."
"But what then, senor?"
The lawyer laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your
company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."
"Millions, senor? Then what?"
The lawyer said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a
little, play with your kids, take siestas with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip
wine and play your guitar with your amigos."
A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be
adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.
"What for?!?!?" he snapped at the judge.
His Honour, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud: "Twenty dollars contempt of court! That's
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented: "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."
The young man replied, "I know. But I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.
"So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."
Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000."
The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon. "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits!"
The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble photograph of distant galaxies colliding.
Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble Space Telescope, you can actually see lawyers rushing to the scene...
Why do they put a suicide watch on certain death row prisoners in America? Why would you care if a man they are
planning to kill, kills himself? Does it spoil the fun? I also think about the death row prisoner in Texas who, on
the day before his execution, managed to take a drug overdose. They rushed him to a hospital, saved his life, then brought him back to prison and killed him. Apparently just to p**s him off.
A psychotherapist started a practice in a new area, but was not getting many patients. He was advised by his lawyer to have a proper sign advertising his services, and his lawyer said that he would paint the sign for him and put it above his clinic entrance for a reasonable fee....
The psychotherapist, very naively, agreed, and the lawyer got to work.
Instead of his business building up, it declined steeply. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his
clinic after reading the sign. So he decided to check it out for himself.
One look and he understood why. The lawyer, not wanting to pay any money for buying a new board, had instead found a three small wooden boards in a bin to paint the sign on, and he had split the word psychotherapist into 3 words. The new sign read:
An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our
personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward and continued, "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest'
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father
lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first
"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."
A judge had just fined a man $25 for speeding. When the judge gave the man the receipt, the man yelled sarcastically, 'What am I supposed to do with this...frame it?!!'
The judge replied, 'No, keep it. When you get three you get a bicycle.'
An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, "We have 3 possible donors; the 1st is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident, the 2nd is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. The 3rd is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years. Which do you want?"
"I'll take the lawyer's heart", said the patient.
After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did. "It was easy", said
the patient, "I wanted a heart that hadn't been used."
Back to So Long And Thanks For Laughing