|So Long And Thanks For Laughing|
In a traffic court of a large Midwestern city, a young lady was brought
before the judge to answer for a ticket given her for driving through a red
light. She explained to his honor that she was a schoolteacher and
requested an immediate disposal of her case so she could get to the school
on time. A wild gleam came into the judge's eye.
"You're a schoolteacher, eh?" he said. "Madam, I shall realize my lifelong
ambition. I've waited years to have a schoolteacher in this court. Sit down
at that table and write 'I went through a red light' 500 times!"
A violent tropical storm enveloped a sailing yacht off the southern coast of Florida lasting all night and most of the
next morning. As the sky cleared and the seas calmed, the people on the yacht realized they were grounded on
a coral reef about a mile from shore in shark infested waters.
Most of those aboard the yacht were badly injured from their ordeal. The only able bodied that were on board were
a doctor, a priest, and a lawyer.
The doctor says "Someone is going to have to swim ashore and get some help. I would volunteer but most of the crew
and passengers are in pretty bad shape and I am needed here to care for them."
The priest replies "I would volunteer to go also but I might be needed to comfort the injured or perform last rights."
The lawyer says "No problem." He immediately strips off his shirt and dives into the shark infested water. There
is a great turbulence in the water and then the doctor and priest notice that all of the sharks have formed a double
line from the yacht to the beach allowing the lawyer to swim between them.
"Lord!", says the priest. "It is a miracle!"
The doctor looking at the lawyer swimming to shore says, "No father. It is not a miracle. It's professional
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a
- Timmy stood up and said, "My mom is a Doctor!"
- Sarah stood up and said, "My father is a Professor!"
- Little Johnny stood up and said, "My dad is a piano player
in a whorehouse!"
The teacher couldn't believe what she had just heard, so she made a point of calling Little Johnny's father that
evening. When she told him what Little Johnny had said, he told her,
"Actually,.... I'm an attorney, but how I'm I supposed to explain that to a seven year old???"
A man was on trial for selling drugs, and a neighbour was called as a
The defense attorney asked, "Did you ever get any cocaine or other drugs from the defendant?"
"No sir." answered the man.
"Did you ever get any from his wife?"
"Did you ever get any from his daughters?"
"Uh... excuse me sir," the witness said, "but we're still talking about drugs here, right?"
I'm proud of how many kids I've managed to put through college. We have my dentist's kids, and of course my
A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.
A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds.
"Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?"
"No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant for an lawyer and want to find a suitable stone."
The successful lawyer snorted contemputuously.
"Money! pooh! there are a million ways of making money."
"But only one honest way," a listener declared.
"What way is that?" the lawyer demanded.
"Naturally, you wouldn't know," was the answer.
Judge - "Just where did the defendant's auto hit you?"
Sweet Young Thing - "Well, if I have been wearing a license plate it would have been badly damaged."
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
A lawyer was on his deathbed in his bedroom, and he called to his wife.
She rushed in and said, "What is it, honey?"
He told her to run and get
the bible as soon as possible. Being a religious woman, she thought this
was a good idea. So she ran and got it, prepared to read him his
favorite verse or something of the sort. He snatched it from her and
began quickly scanning pages, his eyes darting right and left. The wife
was curious and asked him, "What are you doing, honey?"
replied, "I'm looking for loopholes!"
A drunk was hauled into court.
"Mister," the judge began, "you've been brought here for
"Great!" the drunk exclaimed. "When do we get started?"
A lawyer and a farmer were walking in a field. The farmer had on high
boots and the lawyer had on a pair of $500 shoes. Soon the lawyer steps
into a cowpile with both feet. He exclaims," What is this??????!!!!!!!"
The farmer replies," I don't know, but it looks like you're melting!
A Chicago lawyer named George successfully defends a major crime lord from charges of dealing drugs, racketeering, murder, kidnapping, and selling arms.
As he is leaving the courtroom, an indignant old woman
grabs him by the arm. "Young man, where are your Christian scruples? I believe you would defend Satan himself!"
"I don't know," George says, "what has your kid done?"
There are so many lawyers in the world, that if you were to lay
them end-to-end, they would reach into the each other's pockets.
A lawyer defending a man convicted of burglary tried this
creative appeal: "My client merely inserted his arm into
the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is
not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole
individual for an offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I
sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment.
He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The gavel hit
the bench with a thud.
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance, he
detached his artificial limb, laid it on the table, and
Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before
takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians.
The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke."
"No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and spat in it.
When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."
Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and p*****g in cokes?"
An aged couple showed up in their lawyer's office bright
and early one morning and announced that they wanted a
"Gee," said the lawyer, "and at your age and after fifty
years of married life. What brought about this decision
"Well you see," explained the couple, "we wanted to wait
until the children were dead."
This guy called up his lawyer to tell him he was filing for
divorce, and the lawyer inquired as to the grounds for the
"I've got grounds, all right," sputtered the irate husband.
"Can you believe my wife told me I'm a lousy lover?"
"That's why you're suing?" pursued his lawyer.
"Of course not. I'm suing because she knows the difference."
Clyde, a farmer in Alabama, decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company
responsible for the accident to court.
In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.
"Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you or did you not say 'I'm fine' at
the scene of the accident?"
Clyde said, "Well, yes, but I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man
told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my
client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say
about his favorite mule, Bessie."
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, like I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and
was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.
I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However,
I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
"About that time a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.
After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me and said, 'And, how are you feeling?'"
A Lawyer is addressing a Law meeting... "Comrades. We have
agreed on a new deal with our clients. We will no longer
work four days a week." "Hooray!", goes the crowd. "We
will finish work at 4 PM, not 5 PM." "Hooray!", goes the
crowd, again. "We will start work at 10 AM, not 9 AM."
"Hooray!" "We have a 150% pay rise."
"We will only work on Wednesdays."
Silence...then a voice from the back asks, "Every Wednesday?"
Fellow 1 : "Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the
year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not
only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he
was right about that too."
Fellow 2 : "Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of
Fellow 1 : "A judge told him."
A man was in court for a double murder and the judge said:
"You are charged with beating your wife to death with a
A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out: "You
The judge continued: "You are also charged with beating your
daughter to death with a hammer."
Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out:
The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the
courtroom, and said: "Sir, I can understand your anger and
frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of
these outbursts from you, or I shall charge you with
contempt! Now is that a problem?"
The man at the back of the court stood up and responded:
"For fifteen years I lived next door to that b*****d, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer.... he said he never had one!"
|So Long And Thanks For Laughing|