|So Long And Thanks For Laughing|
The judicial process is like a cow. The public is impaled on its horns, the government has it by the tail, and all the while the lawyers are milking it.
Ole and Lena had married under none too happy circumstances, and their married life had not been anything to brag about either. But when, after they had been lived together for thirty five years, Ole went to the local judge to ask for an annulment, the whole of Middleton gasped with amazement.
A date for the hearing was set, however, and when the time came the judge demanded to know the grounds on which Ole based his demand for an annulment.
"It's like this, your Honour," answered Ole, "I've just learned that Lena's father never had a license to carry a gun."
After dozens of very expensive tests and weeks of hospitalization, the rich old man was told he had only 24 hours
to live. He immediately called his doctor and his lawyer to his room. He asked the doctor to stand by one side of his bed and his lawyer to stand by the other.
After standing for some time, the doctor asked "What do you want me to do?"
"Nothing. Just stand there."
A while later, the lawyer asked "What do you want me to do?"
"Nothing. Just stand there."
As the hours wore on, the doctor and the lawyer watched the man weaken. When his time had almost arrived, the doctor and the lawyer again asked "Why are we standing here?"
"Well," said the old man, "Christ died between two thieves, so I thought I'd do the same!
An attorney went into a bar for a Martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. He leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, "Well, it looks plastic."
Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, "But it feels like rubber."
Curious, the attorney asked, "What do you have there?"
The drunk replied, "I don't know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."
The attorney responded, "Let me take a look."
So the drunk handed it over and the lawyer rolled between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, has no significant smell or taste, I sure don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"
The drunk replied, "Out of my nose."
A dying man gathered his lawyer, doctor and clergyman at his bedside and handed each of them an envelope containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place
the three envelopes in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life.
A week later the man died. At the wake, the lawyer and doctor and clergyman, each concealed an envelope in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell. By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelope he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a mission in South America.
He asked for their forgiveness.
The doctor, moved by the gentle Clergyman's sincerity, confessed that he, too, had kept some of the money for a new X-Ray machine at his hospital. The envelope, he admitted, had only $8,000 in it. He said, he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others.
By this time the lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behaviour of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. "I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I
want you both to know that the envelope I placed in the coffin contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000."
In California, instead of doing medical experiments on rats, they use lawyers. There are 3 reasons for this:
- 1. No-one campaigns for Lawyer's rights.
- 2. There are more Lawyers in California than rats.
- 3. There are some things even a rat shouldn't have to do.
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense lawyer.
A lawyer was on vacation in a small farming town. While walking throughthe streets, a car was involved in an accident. As expected a large crowd gathered. Going by instinct, the lawyer was eager to get to the injured, but he couldn't get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."
The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the
track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.
At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.
"Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination."
"Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried."
"How's that?" the lawyer asked.
"I was afraid he was going to ask if the damned lantern was lit!"
A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness:
The lawyer: "Did you actually see the accident?"
The witness: "Yes, sir."
The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"
The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."
The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it
was exactly that distance?"
The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer
would ask me that question."
A woman wrote to Dear Abby:
"I have a dilemma. I am about to get married, but I haven't been totally honest with my fiance. My mother is a well-known madam, my father is a convict, and my brother is a lawyer. My sister sells heroin to the children at the school down the street. I also have a problem - I'm wanted in three states for embezzlement. Taking all that into consideration, this is my question, how do I tell my fiance that my brother is a lawyer?"
Two men were being tried for murder. The jury found one man guilty and the other innocent. The judge turned to the guilty man and said, "Even though your guilt has been established, the law compels me to set you free." How could such a bizarre judgement occur?
The two defendants were Siamese twins. The guilty man was set free, because to punish him would mean punishing an innocent man.
A man can't find a lawyer, so he grabs the yellow pages and picks out a law firm ---Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz & Schwartz. He calls up and says, "Is Mr. Schwartz in?" The guy says, "No, he's out playing golf."
He says, "All right, then let me speak to Mr. Schwartz."
"He's not with the firm any more, he's retired."
"Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz."
"He's away in Boston, won't be back for a month."
"Okay, then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz."
He says, "Speaking!"
An old man was a witness in a burglary case.
The defence lawyer asks Sam, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?"
"Yes," said Sam , "I saw him plainly take the goods."
The lawyer asks Sam again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"
"Yes" says Sam, "I saw him do it."
Then the lawyer asks Sam, "Sam listen, you are 80 years old and your eye sight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?"
Sam says, "I can see the moon, how far is that?"
After a laborious two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the jury finally ended its 14 hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge. The judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?"
"Yes we have, your honour," the foreman responded. "Would you please pass it to me," the judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him. After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman, and instructs the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court." "We find the defendant NOT GUILTY of all four counts of bank robbery," stated the foreman.
he family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the sound of the "not guilty" verdict, and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude.
The defendant's attorney turns to his client and asks, "So, what do you think about that?" The defendant looks
around the courtroom slowly with a bewildered look on his face and then turns to his defense attorney and says, "I'm real confused here. Does this mean that I don't have to give all the money back?
Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they're all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement.
They're each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them. The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes. At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy's cell.
He comes out and says, "I studied so hard. I'm so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific."
They open up the second guy's door. He comes out with his wife, and they've got five new kids. He says. "It was
the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiuful new family. I love it."
They open up the third guy's door, and he's slapping at his pockets, going "Anybody got a match?"
Two attorneys have planned to meet for lunch, but one of them shows up 30 minutes late.
The one who's been waiting asks his partner: "What kept you?"
"I ran over a Coke bottle and got a flat tire."
"A Coke bottle in the road? Didn't you see it?"
"No, the kid had it under his coat."
Johnny Cochran was duck hunting in Texas recently, when he attempted to cross a fence into a field to retrieve a duck he had shot. A farmer suddenly pulled up in his pickup truck, jumped out, and asked Mr. Cochran what he was doing on his property. "Retrieving this duck I just shot", he replied.
"That duck is on my side of the fence, so now it's mine," replied the farmer.
Mr. Cochran asked the farmer if he recognized who he was talking to.
"No," replied the farmer, "I don't know, and I don't care."
"I am Johnny Cochran, famous lawyer from Los Angeles", came the reply. "I am the lawyer that got O.J. Simpson off. I'm the reason he is a free man today. And if you don't let me get that duck, I can sue you for your farm, your truck, and everything else you own. I'll leave you penniless on the street."
"Well," said the farmer, "In Texas the only law we go by is the 'Three Kicks' law."
"Never heard of it", said Johnny.
The farmer said, "I get to kick you three times, and if you make it back to your feet and are able to kick me back three times, that duck is yours."
Cochran thought this over. He grew up in a tough neighborhood and figured he could take this old farmer. "Fair enough", he said.
So the farmer kicked Johnny violently in the groin. As he was doubling over, the farmer kicked him in the face, and when he hit the ground, he kicked him hard in the ribs. After several moments, Johnny slowly made it back to his feet.
"All right, now it's my turn", said Johnny.
"Aw, forget it", said the farmer. "You can have the duck."
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."
After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance chaser
finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with
him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and
withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then directed
her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them
directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would
reach out and grab the bags on his way to Heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up
in the attic cleaning came upon the two forgotten pillowcases
stuffed with cash. "Oh, that old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he
should have had me put the money in the basement."
My relatives were gathered for the reading of my Last Will
And Testament after my long awaited death. The lawyer
opened the envelope, and read solemnly: "Being of sound
mind and body, I spent every last cent before I died."
What's the difference between husbands and prisoners?
Prisoners complain behind bars. Husbands complain in them
My wife and I were having serious difficulties in our marriage. I came
homefrom work one day, and she said, "We need to talk." She said, "Our
sex life is in a lot of trouble." I replied, "Yes it is."
She said to me, "Please, tell me all your sexual fantasies." And my
answer to her was, "Why, you're not in any of them."
With that she went to divorce court.
In Miami, the jurors in a multi-billion dollar lawsuit against the
tobacco industry were ordered by the judge to not see the new movie "The
Insider", because it might influence their verdict. He also ordered them
not to see "The House on Haunted Hill".
The prosecutor was surprised to hear this instruction and he said "I
understand why you've instucted the jurors to not see 'The Insider', but
why should they avoid the second movie, your Honour?".
Being quick and to the point, the judge firmly stated "Because it sucks!"
A guy asked me to contribute 10 bucks to a lawyer's funeral. "Here's a hundred," I said. "Bury 10 of 'em."
One day at a trial, an eminent psychologist was called to
testify. A severe no nonsense professional, she sat down in
the witness chair unaware that it's rear legs were set
precariously on the back of the raised platform.
"Will you state your name?" asked the district attorney.
Tilting back in her chair she opened her mouth to answer, but
instead catapulted head-over-heels backward and landed in a
stack of exhibits and recording equipment.
Everyone watched in stunned silence as she extricated
herself, rearranged her disheveled dress and hair and was
reseated on the witness stand. The glare she directed at
onlookers dared anyone to so much as smirk.
"Well, doctor," continued the district attorney without changing
expression, "we could start with an easier question."
Amanpreet was hauled up on assault charges. And it wasn't
the first time Preet was standing in front of this particular
The judge eyed Preet sternly and said, "It says here that you
beat up your friend Jon. This isn't the first time you two have
come to blows. Tell me why I shouldn't send you off to jail."
"Well, your honour, it's like this," Lizard Pecker began, "we
were in the bar, sitting real peaceful. Then, Jon turns to me
and said, 'you know, Preet, the only damned reason you're
behaving is you're afraid of that asshole judge.' Well, Your
Honour, when he said that about you, I just busted him in
"Nasty looking crew you got to handle out there this morning, Judge,"
said the bailiff. "Where did the cops find all those crooks?"
His Honour replied, "Harrison, the crooks won't be here for another
fifteen minutes. Those are the lawyers."
A convicted murderer escaped from a Barcelona prison and threatened to kill
his wife's lover.
He gave himself up when he heard that 27 men and one
woman had demanded police protection.
Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
A: No one knows, there are some things even a blonde won't do.
An attorney had just finished a consultation with an
elderly, nearly blind widow, for which he charged her
$100. The widow opened her purse and removed a $100
bill. When the lawyer accepted it, he noticed there was
another 100 stuck to it. Immediately the lawyer's keen
legal mind realized he was faced with a vital ethical
Should he tell his partner?
A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man
seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,
She complained to the driver and had the man arrested.
The case came up
in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.
man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: when the lady got on
the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign
that said "The Gold Dust Twins are coming," and I had to smile. "Then
she moved and sat under a sign that said "Sloan's Liniment will reduce
the swelling" and I had to grin. "Then she placed herself under a sign
that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly control
myself. "BUT...when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that
said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident," I laughed out
"Case Dismissed!" said the Judge.
Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a
year later, he was in court filing for a divorce. "OK," the judge
said, "Tell the court why you want a divorce."
"Well, your Honour," Dan started, "Every once in a while my
sister in law would come over for a visit, and because she
and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I'd
end up making love to her by mistake."
"Surely there must be some difference between the two
women." the judge said.
"You'd better believe there is a difference, your honor. That's
why I want the divorce." he replied.
Definition: A Legal Secretary Is any girl over eighteen
A Navy Admiral was being court-martialed for an incident where he was found to be chasing a young lady through the hallways of the hotel in which they were both staying.
Neither of them were wearing anything. One of the charges was
that of "being out of uniform."
The Admiral's lawyer argued that the officer was not out of uniform, as the regulations read: "A Naval officer must be at all times appropriately attired for the activity in which he is engaged."
The Admiral was acquitted.
You Know You Need A New Lawyer When...
- During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
- When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
- During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
- He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.
- He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said ..."
- Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?"
- The sign in front of his law office reads "Practicing Law Since 2:25 PM."
- Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."
- He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."
- 372.01 -Any person with a valid state rodent or armadillo hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sporting (non-commercial) purposes.
- 372.02 -Taking of attorneys with traps or dead falls is permitted. The use of United States currency as bait is, however, prohibited.
- 372.03 -The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside, and the vehicle should proceed to the nearest car wash.
- 372.04 -It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter or aircraft.
- 372.05 -It is unlawful to shout "WHIPLASH", "AMBULANCE", or "FREE SCOTCH" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
- 372.06 -It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW, Mercedes, or Porsche dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoons.
- 372.07 -It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs or hospitals.
- 372.08 -If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a licence to hunt, trap or possess the same.
- 372.09 -It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropracter, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys
- 372.10 -Bag Limits Per Day:
- 1 Yellow-bellied Sidewinder:
- 2 Two-faced Tort-feasor:
- 1 Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator
- 3 Horn-rimmed Cut-throat:
- 2 Minutiae-advocating Chicken:
- Honest Attorneys: 0 (Protected, Endangered species.)
How I only wish that there were really such a software for computers so that they could instruct you to be your own Lawyer. Imagine if you could have such a software in your Lap Top and it would tell you how to represent
yourself. This is what I came up with that the program would be like:
Just think! For the cost of one hour of a Lawyers time ($300.00) you can have this Computer Software program which will do most all of the problem solving that you would have to hire a Lawyer for and pay him for numerous hours of work. This computer software will:
- 1. Show how to effectively negotiate the best contract or cash settlement which you will be able to keep instead of seeing most of it to go to a Lawyer.
- 2. It will instantly give you a best case scenario and outcome once you have entered all of the relevant information to your case. Your best case outcome is not dependent on how much you are willing to spend in Lawyer
- 3. Show you the best strategy in a trial and is less prone to error from overlooking one small fact of evidence.
- 4. Can always find a perfect retort in court examination or cross-examination depending on the information that is given it.
- 5. It will answer your question's at any time without sending you a bill for one hours time when the consultation would only take 5 minutes.
- 6. Keeps all of your information confidential.
- 7. It always keeps true to its Computer operator and the operator's best interest.
- 8. You will not find it out on a Golf Course when it should be working on your interest. It is always ready and able to handle any legal advice that you might need.
- 9. It answers your questions promptly and does not have a secretary to take a message so that they can get back to you some time next year.
- 10. It does not go chasing after accident victims while leaving your case hanging.
- 11. It does not lie!
- 12. It will not sleep with your wife!
|So Long And Thanks For Laughing|