Law Jokes - Part VII

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So Long And Thanks For Laughing

A Murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed. "Have you any last requests?" asked the Chaplain.

"Yes," replied the condemned man. "I'm scared, will you hold my hand?"

A newspaper

The editor of a small country newspaper, furious over several legal bills that he had recently received, printed a
scathing editorial with an enormous headline: "HALF THE LAWYERS ARE CROOKS"'.

Many local lawyers were outraged and exerted tremendous pressure on him to print a retraction. He finally gave in to the pressure and ran his apology with the headline: "HALF THE LAWYERS ARE NOT CROOKS".

An engagement ring

An old lady tottered into a lawyer's office and asked for help in arranging a divorce. "A divorce?" asked the unbelieving lawyer. "Tell me, how old are you?"

"I'm eighty-four," answered the old lady.

"Eighty-four! And how old is your husband?"

"My husband is eighty-seven."

"My, my," said the lawyer, "and how long have you been married?"

"Next September will be sixty-two years."

"Married sixty-two years?! Why would you want a divorce now?"

"Because," the woman answered calmly, "enough is enough."

A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled!
Fifty people swindled!"

Curious, a lawyer walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, "There's
nothing in here about fifty people being swindled."

The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"

A news story said the police caught a guy trying to cash a phony check and took him down to the station. While the officers were distracted, the crook grabbed the check off the desk and swallowed it.

No problem: lawyers waited five or six hours and then charged the guy with passing a bad check twice...

A pigeon goes on trial

There were three men at a bar. One man got drunk and started a fight with the other two men. The police came and took the drunk guy to jail.

The next day the man went before the judge. The judge asked the man, 'Where do you work?'

The man said, 'Here and there.'

The judge asked the man, 'What do you do for a living?'

The man said, 'This and that.'

The judge then said, 'Take him away.'

The man said, 'Wait, judge, when will I get out?'

The judge said to the man, 'Sooner or later'

Nancy wanted a divorce from Jim. The judge asked, "What fault do you find with your husband?"

"Your Honour, he's a liar, a brute, a thief and a brainless idiot."

"That's very serious," exclaimed his Honor, "Can you prove all that?"

"Prove it? Why everybody knows it."

"If you knew all this, then why did you marry him?"

"I didn't know it before I married him."

Jim then shouted out, "She did too!"

A set of scales and dollar signs

Rob, who was charged with fraud and embezzlement, was alone at the defendant's desk on the day of the trial.

"Are we to understand that you are representing yourself, Mr.Ames?" the judge asked.

"Well, Your Honor, I tried to hire an attorney," Rob explained, "but when he found out I didn't steal the $500,000, he turned down my case and threw me out of the office."

At the police station, Bubba explained to the lawyer why his cousins shot him.

"Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"

"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.

"From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"

A bundle of money which has been chained and padlocked

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true,"
he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" The witness stared out the window,
as though he hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise his case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

A speeding car

Pincus was arrested for speeding, reckless driving, driving without lights and violation of traffic signals. He demanded a trial by jury.

"But you can't win that case in court," a friend advised him.

"I know," said Pincus. "I did it on purpose.My nephew just graduated from law school and this is his first case. I want him to lose so maybe he'll get discouraged and get an honest job."

A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes.

The judge said "Mr. Banks you are hereby fined $100."

The lawyer stood up and said "Thanks, your honour, however my client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow
him a few minutes in the crowd. . ."

The presiding judge had just completed rendering the court's verdict and was about to pass sentence when he asked the
defendant if he had anything to say.

"No, judge, there is nothing I care to say," answered the prisoner. "But if you'll clear away the tables and chairs
in this here courtroom for me to beat up that no-good lawyer of mine, you can give me a year or two extra."

A vision of Hell

One day, a lawyer died. He went to the gates of Hell to receive his eternal punishment. The Devil called
his servant and told him to take the lawyer to the deepest, hottest pit, get the heaviest sledgehammer and the hardest
rocks, and put him to work. The servant did as he was told.

The servant decided to check on him an hour later. When he got there, the lawyer was smiling and whistling
while he worked. Confused, he asked the man, "Are you enjoying this?"

The lawyer replied, "When I was a child I worked on a farm with my father. This actually brings back a lot of
good memories."

The servant thought for a moment, then snapped his fingers and the deep, hot pit turned into an arctic environment.

"Maybe this will be a little less satisfying!" said the servant happily.

An hour later, the servant went to check on the lawyer and saw that he was still smiling and whistling!
"Why are you still happy?" he asked.

"Well," replied the lawyer, "it's cold day in Hell, the Rams must have won the Superbowl!"

Bubba was arrested for selling home-stilled whiskey. His lawyer put him on the stand and asked the jurors
to look carefully at his client.

"Now, Ladies and Gentleman of the jury," concluded the lawyer, "you've looked carefully at the defendant. Can you sit there in the jury and honestly believe that if my client had ANY whiskey he would sell it?"

He was acquitted.

A woman went to see her lawyer, taking with her a baby and four children under the age of five.

"I want a divorce," she said. "On what grounds?" he asked.

"Desertion, sir," she said. "Desertion?" he asked, looking at the five young children.

"Well," she confided, "he does come home every now and then to apologize..."

Creation Duel


In the beginning God created the heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

And God said, "Let there be light" and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed,
and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good. And the Devil said, "There goes the neighborhood."

And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so
God created Man in his own image; male and female did He create.

And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.

And the Devil said, "I know how I can get back in this game."

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and
Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Burger, fries and a diet coke

And the Devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger. And the Devil said to Man: "You want fries with that?" And Man said: "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And the Devil brought forth
chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

And the Devil brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between BBC1 and ITV. And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into crisps and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil
created sour cream dip.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the crisps swaddled in cholesterol. And the Devil saw and said, "It is
good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And the Devil canceled Man's health insurance.

Then God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken and cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice.

And the Devil created light beer so Man could poison his body with alcohol while feeling righteous because he had to drink
twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz. And Man gained another ten pounds.

And God created the life-giving tofu.

And Woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva Chocolate and upon returning asked Man: "Do I look fat?"

And the Devil said, "Always tell the truth." And Man did.

And Woman went out from the presence of man and dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, east of the marriage counselor.

Best Surgical Patients

Five surgeons are discussing who are the best type of surgical patients.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside
is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers ... those guys always understand when you have a few
parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong. Lawyers are the easiest to operate on. There are
no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."

The Smartest Hunting Dog

A dog and a phone

A doctor, an engineer, and a lawyer go out hunting in the woods one day. Each of them brings along his hunting dog, and they
spend most of the morning arguing about which of the dogs is the smartest. Early in the afternoon, they discover a clearing in the
forest. In the middle of the clearing is a large pile of animal bones.

Seeing the bones, the doctor turns to the others and says, "I'm going to prove to you two that my dog is the smartest. Watch
this!" He then calls his dog over and says, "Bones! See the bones? Go get 'em!" The dog rushes over to the pile, rummages
around for a bit, and then proceeds to build a replica of the human skeleton, perfect down to the last detail. The doctor grins
smugly; after all, his dog has just built a human skeleton from animal bones.

The engineer, however, is totally unimpressed. "That's nothing," he says. "Watch this." He calls his dog over, and points out the
pile. "Bones! Get the bones!" The dog rushes over, tears down the skeleton, and in its place builds a perfect replica of the Eiffel
Tower. It even has a little French flag waving at the top. The doctor is forced to agree that the engineer's dog is, in fact,
smarter than his own.

The lawyer, however, is still not impressed. "My dog is smarter," he says. "Watch." He then calls his dog over, points to the pile,
and says simply, "Bones." The dog rushes over to the pile, tears down the tower, eats half the bones, buries the other half, and
takes the rest of the afternoon off.

You're at the wrong Law School if:

  • Materials needed for Tort include a baking sheet and apron.
  • Morely Safer and his camera crew are on campus more often than you are.
  • If you last the entire eight weeks, Sally Struthers personally signs your diploma.
  • Admission test, found on back of a matchbook, requires you to draw Marcia Clark's briefs.
  • Faculty recruited from the exercise yard.
  • The Dean once failed to get James Earl Jones acquitted on a charge that he "talks like a sissy."
  • Professors always accept 5th Amendment as an excuse for not turning in homework.
  • Every question answered with, "You can't handle the truth!"
  • Three hours a day of chasing a little metal ambulance around a dog track.
  • In mock trials, the judge always sentences you to a spanking.
  • Today's lecture: "Fight for Your Right to Party," by visiting professor Adam "The King Ad Rock" Horovitz.
  • Your roommate is on a "John Gotti Scholarship."
  • Can't see the blackboard over Axl Rose's hair.
  • The white wigs and black robes may be a tradition, but there's no explaining the lipstick, garter belts, and high heels.
So Long And Thanks For Laughing

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