|So Long And Thanks For Laughing|
A local policeman was in court talking about the shift he had on one cold November evening.
"In all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it," he said.
"What happened?" asked the judge.
"I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating
"Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them?"
"Oh that was easy, . . . I charged one and let the other off."
A lawyer addresses an all male jury:
"Gentlemen, shall we cast this beautiful, lonely young lady into a dim cell in a prison,
or shall we return her to her oceanside beach condo, Ocean City, telephone Number 555-4531?"
Consider the harried husband who wound up in front of a judge for breaking into a dress shop.
"You admit you broke into the shop four times?" asked the judge.
"Yes," the man answered.
"And what did you steal?"
"A dress, Your Honour."
The judge was incredulous. "One dress? But you say you went in four times!"
"That's right. But three times my wife didn't like the colour."
My friend called me to tell me his father had died. After the funeral Andy and I spent some time talking
about his dad and the good times. His father had a wonderful sense of humor. We talked about his
dad for hours.
As a good friend, Andy asked me to go with him to the lawyers office for the reading of the will. The
reading was held in a large conference room that was crowded with relatives. The lawyer gathered up some papers and started to read. A deafening silence fell over the room as he read "...being of sound mind and body, I spent every last cent!".
Three good friends were driving along on the highway one Saturday: a doctor, a teacher, and a lawyer. All of a sudden, a
brand-new SUV cut them off. In an attempt to miss the shiny big vehicle, the driver swerved to the left and hit the median. The
car flipped several times and all three friends died instantly.
They all found themselves in line waiting to get into Heaven. The doctor asked the others, "Hey, what do you all want people to say at your funeral? I want them to say, 'She was a great doctor, and she never let down any of her patients.'"
The teacher said, "I want people to remember me as a great educator, so I would want to hear people say, 'He was a wonderful
teacher, a great role model for children, and he changed countless lives throughout his career.'"
Then the lawyer said, "I'd like people to say, 'Look! He's moving!'"
A doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer are going out golfing. They are trying to decide whose profession came first.
The doctor says, "My profession came first because when God removed Adam's rib he performed surgery."
The engineer then says, "No, no, no. When the earth was dark and void God created light. That was engineering."
The lawyer says, "You're both wrong."
The doctor and engineer reply, "Oh yeah? What makes you think yours came first?"
The lawyer replied, "Where do you think the darkness came from?"
A man goes to his lawyer and says "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it."
The lawyer says "Don't worry, leave it all to me".
The man looks somewhat upset ... "Well I knew you were going to take the biggest slice - but I'd like to leave a little to my
A defendant was asked if he wanted a bench trial or a jury trial. "Jury trial," he replied.
"Do you understand the difference?" asked the judge.
"Sure," replied the defendant,"That's where twelve ignorant people decide my fate instead of one."
"And God said: "Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't
blame everything on Satan."
The judge was very stern with the woman.
"You are the wife of this man," he said severely."You knew he was a burglar when you married him?"
"Yes," she replied. "I wasn't getting any younger and I had to choose between a burglar and a lawyer."
Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his client's jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the state.
The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict. When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very difficult time persuading the other jurors to see things his way.
"Sure did," the juror replied, "the other eleven wanted to acquit."
Why should lawyers be buried 100 feet deep?
Because deep down, they're really good people
Did you hear about the old farmer in Nebraska who shot his wife dead? He had some lawyer. The lawyer got him off scot-free.
"Have a heart, Judge, " the lawyer pleaded. "After all, my client's a widower!"
Taylor the Lawyer was desperate for business, and was happy to be appointed by the court to defend an indigent defendant.
The judge ordered Taylor, "You are to confer with the defendant in the hallway, and give him the best legal advice you can."
After a time, Taylor re-entered the courtroom alone. When the judge asked where the defendant had gone, Taylor replied, "You asked me to give him good advice. I found out that he was guilty as hell, so I told him to split."
The stockbroker was nervous about being in prison because his cellmate looked like a real thug. "Don't worry," the gruff
looking fellow said, "I'm in here for a white collar crime too."
"Well, that's a relief," sighed the stockbroker. "I was sent to prison for fraud and insider trading. How about you?"
"Oh, nothing fancy like," grinned the convict. "I just killed a couple of priests..."
An old couple goes into court for a divorce. The judge says to them, "I don't understand. Ted, you're 84 years old, and your wife is 82. You've been married for sixty years. Why do you want a divorce now?"
The husband said, "We wanted to wait until the children were dead!"
A lawyer's wife dies. At the cemetery, people are appalled to see that the tombstone reads, "Here lies Phyllis, wife of
Murray, L.L.D., Wills, Divorce, Malpractice."
Suddenly, Murray bursts into tears. His brother says, "You should cry, pulling a stunt like this!"
Through his tears, Murray croaks, "You don't understand! They left out the phone number!"
The two teenagers were arrested for public lewdness and possession of marijuana when they were found naked, each
smoking a joint, sitting on the edge of the fountain in the town square.
The arresting officer told them they were entitled to a phone call, since he was unable to reach either parent.
Some time later, a man entered the station and the sergeant said, "I suppose you're the kids' lawyer."
"Nope," the chap replied. "I'm just here to deliver them a pizza."
A guy dies suddenly without writing a will. The distressed widow goes to
a lawyer, explaining the problem. Lawyer says, "Hmm, so your husband died without writing a will. Did he
say anything to you before he died?"
"Yeah, he said 'Mary, you can't hit the broad side of a barn with that thing, so put it down."
A big city lawyer was called in on a case between a farmer and a large railroad company. The farmer noticed that
his prize cow was missing from the field through which the railroad passed. He filed suit against the railroad company
for the value of the cow. The case was to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general
store. The attorney immediately cornered the farmer and tried to get him to settle out of court.
The lawyer did his best selling job, keeping the conversation moving and not letting the farmer get much of a
word in. The farmer finally agreed to take half of what he was claiming to settle the case. After the farmer signed
the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't help but gloat a little over his success.
He said to the farmer, "You know, I hate to tell you this, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The
engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your farm that morning. I didn't
have one witness to put on the stand."
The old farmer replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself. That durned cow came home this morning!"
A lawyer died and was standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "you can't come in here... you have to go to the other place".
But the lawyer was really good and pleaded his case to the point where St.
Peter said, "OK... here's what I'll do. You will spend the same amount of time in hell
as you did on earth, and then you can spend the rest of eternity up here."
The lawyer figured this wasn't too bad of a deal, so he said "OK".
St. Peter said, "Great... I'll see you in 350 years.".
The lawyer said, "But, how is that possible... I'm only 65 years old!".
St Peter said, "We go by billing hours".
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"
The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. Several days later, the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.
A lawyer goes to the doctor because he is not feeling well. After examining him, the physician says to the lawyer, "Before I tell you anything, I would like for you to be examined by my colleague in the next office, just to get a second opinion."
The lawyer is introduced to the other doctor, then goes through another complete physical examination. When it is over, the physician tells him to sit in the waiting room until the first doctor calls him back into his office.
A few minutes later he is brought in, and as the lawyer takes a seat across from the doctor's desk, he begins to feel a bit nervous. Both doctors are sitting there behind the desk, with very serious looks on their faces. The first doctor says to the lawyer, "My
colleague and I have examined you and we have come to the same conclusion: You have a very rare and incurable disease. You will die in two weeks, and it will be a very slow and painful death."
The other doctor suddenly turns toward the first doctor, looking very surprised. "Why did you tell him that?"
"Well," replies the first doctor, "I felt that he had the right to know."
"Yeah," whines the other doctor, "but I wanted to be the one to tell him!"
A lawyer cross-examined the adversary's main witness. "You claim to have stopped by Mrs. Edwards' house just after
breakfast. Will you tell the jury what she said?"
"Objection, your honor," shouted the other lawyer.
There then followed a long argument between the lawyers as to whether the question was proper. Finally, after 45 minutes, the
judge allowed it.
"So," the first lawyer continued, "Please answer the question: What did Mrs. Edwards say when you went to her
house after breakfast on December 3rd?"
"Nothing," said the witness. "No one was home."
After the trial had been going on for three days, Finley, the man accused of committing the crimes, stood up and approached the judge's bench.
"Your Honour, I would like to change my plea from innocent to guilty of the charges."
The judge angrily banged his fist on the desk. "If you're guilty, why didn't you say so in the first place and save this
court a lot of time and inconvenience?" he demanded.
Finley looked up wide-eyed. "Well, when the trial started I thought I was innocent, but that was before I heard all the evidence against me."
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:
- Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
- A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
- Q. Officer, who provided this description?
- A. The officer who responded to the scene.
- Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called
offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
- A. Yes sir, with my life.
- Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change
your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
- A. Yes sir, we do.
- Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
- A. Yes sir, I do.
- Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
- A. Yes sir.
- Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a
room you share with those same officers?
- A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
Job Applicant: "I'm looking for a job as a consultant."
Employer: "I'm sorry, we already have enough consultants."
Applicant: "That's ok, with my experience, I can be an advisor."
Employer: "More than we can use already."
Applicant: As he is getting desperate, "I'm not proud, I can do paperwork, I'll be a clerk, If you have too many, I'll start as a
Employer: "It just doesn't seem that we have any openings for a person with your qualifications."
Applicant: As he stands up and angrily yells, "work for you I'd have to be a low life, belly crawling, double dealing jerk!"
Employer: "Well, you didn't say you were an attorney, have a seat, we may have an opening."
You Know You Need A New Lawyer When:
- During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
- When the prosecutors see your lawyer, they high-five each other.
- During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
- He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.
- Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?"
- The sign in front of his law office reads "Practicing Law Since 2:25 PM."
- Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."
Dirtier Jokes (18)
One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman.
Angry, she became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th-floor apartment, killing him
When brought before the court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in defense of
herself. "Well, Your Honour," she began coolly. "I figured that at 92, if he could have sex, he could fly!"
At a paternity trial, the blonde's lawyer asked, "On the night of July 16 last, at approximately 11:45 p.m., in the locale
known generally as 'Lover's Lane,' did the defendant have sexual relations with you?"
"Yes," whispered the girl, her head bowed.
"And did the defendant on that occasion, to the best of your knowledge, have a climax?" the lawyer continued.
"Oh no," she replied, "I'm pretty sure he had one of them real fancy Jaguars."
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