Law Jokes - Part I

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So Long And Thanks For Laughing

Assorted Law Jokes

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and
their money. The gang was very happy to escape."It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."

The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers! We had $100 when we broke in!"

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He
approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've
been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you
know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"

At a jury trial with the jury consisting of 8 men and 4 women:

Defendant: "Your Honour, I wish to change my plea."

Judge: "Is someone using undue influence to prompt you to change your mind?"

Defendant: "No sir, when I pleaded Not Guilty I didn't know there would be women on the jury. Since I can't even fool my wife, I'll never be able to fool the four women jurors."

A man who wanted a dog to protect his business, visited a kennel that specialised in attack dogs. The man explained
to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to
take the man on a tour of the premises. After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog, snarling loudly, and biting and clawing at the cage.

"He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," said the buyer.

"Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have a different one in mind for you."

They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first.
He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage.

"Ah," said the buyer. "This must be the dog you were referring to earlier."

"Well, no." said the owner. "I have something better in mind for you."

The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a large dog, panting heavily and lying quietly on his side,
licking his own butt. He seemed unaware of the men's approach.

"This is the dog I had in mind for you," said the owner.

The buyer was flabbergasted. "You're joking!" he exclaimed. "This dog is tame compared to the others; he doesn't even act like an attack dog."

"I know he appears tame now," said the owner. "But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he's trying to get the taste out
of his mouth."

The Judge asked the defendant, "Mr. Jones, do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth, the whole
truth and nothing but the truth?"

"I do."

"Now what do you say to defend yourself?"

"Your Honor, under those limitations... nothing."

"Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your
wife $775 a week."

"That's very fair, your honour," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks

In California, more than 600 lawyer hopefuls were taking the State Bar exams in the Pasadena Convention Center when a 50 year old man taking the test suffered a heart attack.

Only two of the 600 test takers, John Leslie and Eunice Morgan, stopped to help the man. They administered CPR
until paramedics arrived, then resumed taking the exam.

Citing policy, the test supervisor refused to allow the two additional time to make up for the 40 minutes they
spent helping the victim. Jerome Braun, the State Bar's senior executive for admissions, backed the decision
stating, "If these two want to be lawyers, they should learn a lesson about priorities."

St. Peter greeted two newcomers at the Pearly Gates. One was a Pope, the other was a lawyer. He ushered The Pope to a small shack and settled him in to his austere quarters; then led the lawyer to a huge, luxuriously appointed

"I don't understand," the lawyer puzzled. "That man was a Pope, and you gave him a shack. And yet, you've said I am to live in this luxurious, huge mansion. Why?"

"Sir," said St. Peter. "We've had lots and lots of popes, here. But, you, sir, are our very FIRST lawyer."

A group of terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada Hotel, where the American Bar Association was
holding its Annual Conventions. More than a hundred lawyers were taken as hostages. The terrorist leader announced that unless their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every hour.

A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.
The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of
a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community
in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did our research also show that my mother is dying
after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, ""

"--or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep
began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "--or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the
lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "--so if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to

A secretary, a paralegal and a partner in a city law firm were walking through a park on their way to lunch when they
find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Geniesays, "I usually only grant
three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the secretary. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the
world." Poof! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the paralegal. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an
endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"You're next," the Genie says to the partner. The partner says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?

Defendant: No, I did not.

Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?

Defendant: Yes, I do. And they're a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder.

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.

"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one. "No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the
other. And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.

"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall
receive a half."

"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.

But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.

"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.

"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."

An attorney passed on and found himself in heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations.

He complained to St. Peter, who told him his only recourse was to appeal his assignment. The attorney immediately
advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal
could be heard.

The attorney protested a three year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears. The
lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few
days, if the attorney was willing to change venue to Hell.

When the attorney asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told, "We have all of the judges."

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points tothree identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on theleft costs $500." "Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the customer. The owner says "Well, the parrot knows how to do legal research."

The customer then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to write a brief that will win any case.

Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about the third parrot, to be told that it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the question, "What can it do?"

To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner."

Two lawyers had been life long friends: they were partners and shared everything, including their hot-blooded secretary.

One day the secretary announced she was pregnant. They told her not to worry and assured her that they would pay all medical costs and would act as co-fathers when she/he was born and provide all expenses thereafter for the child.

The day of delivery arrived. Both the lawyers were at the hospital pacing the floor in the waiting room. Finally one of them said, "I can't take this, I'm going down to sit in my car and wait there. Please come down and tell me as soon as the child is born!" The partner agreed to do that.

About an hour later the partner approached the car with a very grave look on his face. "What happened?" cried the waiting car occupant.

The other partner announced, "They were twins and mine died!"

Having many legal problems, including a divorce, a man had become thoroughly disgusted with lawyers in general.

One evening in a bar, the conversation got around to his pet peeve and he started "venting." "All lawyers are jerks," he loudly proclaimed.

Another man nearby heard this, looked disturbed, and sauntered over to him.

"Look, I heard what you said, and I am highly offended by it."

"Why is that--are you a lawyer?" he asked.

"No, I'm not; I'm a jerk!"

Lawyer's creed:

A man is innocent until proven broke.

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.

"£50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer.

"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.

"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

A guy walked into a post office one day to see a middle aged balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then took out a perfume bottle and started spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he went up to the balding guy and asked him what he was doing. The man said, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentines cards signed, 'guess who?'"

"But why," asked the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replied.

There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul. Both
graduated top of the class from law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive and well
spoken. It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?"

In seconds, he chooses Paul. Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside. "I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?"

"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Paul replies.

"Your hands? What do you mean?"

"Well, I took a look one day, and there wasn't any money in either of them!"

Law Questions And Answers:

  • Q. What do you have if you have 100 lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?

    A. Not enough sand.
  • Q. What do you call 1000 lawyers chained together at the bottom of the ocean?

    A. A good start.
  • Q. What did the first law student say to the second Law student?

    A. "Section 16(2)(a) of the 1968 Theft Act has been REPEALED!"
  • Q. What is the difference between a good Lawyer and a great Lawyer?

    A. A good Lawyer knows the law and a great Lawyer knows the Judge.
  • Q. What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad?

    A. Politician.
  • Q. What is the difference between a hooker and a lawyer?

    A. A hooker will stop screwing you when you're dead.
  • Q. What is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

    There are skid marks in front of the dog.
  • Q. What do lawyers use for birth control?

    A. Their personalities.
  • Q.What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?

    A. A tick falls off of you when you die.
  • Q. Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?

    A. To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.
  • Q. What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

    A. A Doberman.
  • Q. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

    A. If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
  • Q. What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

    A. One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
  • Q. Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?

    A. They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
  • Q. What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?

    A. Lipstick.
  • Q. What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?

    A. Skeet.
  • Q. What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?

    A. Chelsea Clinton.
  • Q. If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him?

    A. It might be your bicycle.
  • Q. Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they
    simultaneously spot hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?

    A. The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
  • Q. You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should
    you do?

    A. You shoot the lawyer. Twice.
  • Q. Do you know what happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?

    A. He gets taller.

Lawyer's Words...

Things people actually said in court, word for word. (Some lack responses for obvious reasons.)

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July fifteenth.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son -- the one living with you.

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?

A: Approximately milepost 499.

Q: And where is milepost 499?

A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?

A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?

A: After the accident?

Q: Before the accident.

A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?

A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo?

A: We do.

Q: You do?

A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?

A: Yes.

Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?

A: Yes, sir.

Q: What did she say?

A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?

A: Yes.

Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?

A: I went to Europe, sir.

Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

Q: How old are you?

A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

A: Yes, I have been all my life.

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?

A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

So Long And Thanks For Laughing

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