h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Words we'd all like to see...

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the
bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming,of
running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching
over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give
the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you
dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow remove
all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one
armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto
the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until one finally
decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open
here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the
"illegal" side.

7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole
purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground
pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and
forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog
presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always
letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when
you're only six inches away.




Dave called home one afternoon to see what his wife was making for dinner.
"Hello?" said a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," said Dave. "Is mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Kevin."

After a brief pause, Dave said, "But you don't have an Uncle Kevin, honey!"

"Yes I do. He's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run
upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Kevin
that my car just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!"

A few minutes later, the little girl came back to the phone. "Well, I did
what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around
screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and
now she's all dead."

"Oh my god! And what about Uncle Kevin?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he
jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot
that you took out all the water last week to clean it, so he hit the
bottom of the swimming pool, and now he's dead too."

There was a long pause, then Bob said, "Swimming pool? Is this 555-7039?"

Glad you liked the jokes - and I liked the ones you've contributed, too!
BTW - have you considered putting some jokes into an article to link to this directory?

I'm sure I'll get around to it at some point...

Thanks - I had hoped it would be a lot more popular than it appears to be, as it seems only I seem top contribute to it...
But thanks for the offer!

I don't mean to seem suspicious, but I think you've forgotten all about it!

But you could make up for it by signing up for the Newsletter at:
http://www.h2g2.com/forumframe.cgi?forum=29080&thread=46675