h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

{B4 looks at El Squid and rolls his eyes.}

{B4 looks UP into the eyes of Baileywick.}

{B4 looks at the Gander, but can't maintain it.}

B4iopenmymouth&makeexcuses

**Purr in Boots tumbles out of the Woods, gathers his paws under himself, and bounds back onto the Bridge with a long slim stick in his mouth. When he draws up to the rest of the party, he takes it out and licks his whiskers. He holds it up for everyone to see.**

Okay. Aiy now have a legitimate Pooh Sstick fforr the game.

**He realizes there are now five personages on the Bridge, so he hitches his thumb at the Gander and asks...**

Who brrought the Ffoie Grras...?

PURR...!

B4alawsuit

PURR...!

:: LARGE ::

PURR...!

:: LARGE ::

BURMA...!

Wait... WHAT???

No "Qua-QUACK-quack-Quackity-QUACK!"??? Why did you say "BURMA!"???

B4itgetscuriouser

QUACK! Quackity-quack-qua-QUACK! (Because you were all saying PURR...!)

QUACK! Quackity-quack-qua-QUACK! (It gave me a fright!)

QUACK! Quackity-quack-qua-QUACK! (What does PURR mean?)

**Purr in Boots raises one paw, smiles a big toothy grin, and his tail swishes back-and-forth.**

That would be meow...

**He tilts his head first one way then the other, and approaches the Gander with his paw now extended to shake in greeting. His left paws holds the twig he set out to find. He keeps staring at the Gander, as if calculating for an appropriately sized roasting pan.**

Stop it!

B4theentreerealizes

**Purr in Boots gives B4 a sidways glance.**

The Holidays are coming up. You should invite this one over for dinner...

I said...STOP IT...!!!

{B4 turns to the Gander, palms open, shrugging.}

Don't pay any attention to him. He's... not on his best behavior today.

B4thisgets2complicated

QUACK! Quackity-quack-qua-QUACK! (Neither are "u"...)

QUACK! Quackity-quack-qua-QUACK! (...since you left it out of that next-to-last word.)

HONK! Honkity-honk-ho-HONK! ( ^no translation necessary^ )

:: LARGE clears his throat; the equivalent of an earthquake's aftershock. All eyes are upon him... way up there. He grips the top end of his Pooh Stick, the other end resting on the Bridge, and he tilts it at an angle. The movement is followed by four sets of eyes, a subliminal sort of thing that paves the way for his next remarks. ::

Beggin' your pawdon, my fellow Attendees, but should we not be about the business of this game?

:: He tilts the stick (tree limb / log) in the opposite direction, a metronome effect that has the other participants following the motion yet again. ::

Even here in HooToo, there is only a certain amount of daylight in each adventure.

:: The stick / log / limb sweeps to the other side again, and everyone tracks along. ::

Before our day draws to a close, I suggest we start the proceedings, so we may enjoy the game itself and the fruits of our labors.

:: He tilts the stick / log / limb farther in the other direction, and picks it up to hold it horizontally at his waist (which is eye level for most of the group).

Shall we?

:: LARGE steps to the middle of the upstream railing, waiting for the rest of the entourage to follow suit. ::

~El Squid de Castilla shakes off the hypnotic effects of the tilting stick.~

There is much wisdom in what Señor Masivo has said.

~He steps up to the railing, as well, to the right of LARGE, an holds out his sharpened 'peace sign'-looking stick.~

Let the best Pooh Palo win!

QUACK! Quackity-quack-qua-QUACK! (Honestly, between the bickering of B4 and Purr in Boots, Purr's jibes aimed at convincing me to become his next meal, the Squid's reticence to translate even one of his euphamisms, and Tall Boy over here trying to herd a bunch of cats -- yeah, I'm lookin' at you, Purr -- and my unfamiliarity with games that normally require opposable thumbs, I didn't think we'd ever get to this point.)

QUACK! Quackity-quack-qua-QUACK! (Let's do this!)

^the Gander drops his thick wrist-sized stick onto the bridge^

^he pecks it once, twice, thrice, then snatches it up into his beak^

^he spreads his wings wide, flaps twice, and lands atop the railing^

^he cranes (or gooses) out over the water, stick ready in DROP mode^

^the Gander mumbles around the stick in his beak^

HUNK! Hunkity-hunk-hu-HUNK! (This better be good...)

HUNK! Hunkity-hunk-hu-HUNK! (...and NO Cheating!)

**Purr in Boots notes the Fatted Goose has stationed himself to the right of El Squid, so he moves to the left of LARGE. He peers over the railing and grimaces.**

Waterr! Ugh.

**He holds up his 'all natural' twig from the Woods. He tilts his head side-to-side, gauging windage, drop distance, and flow rate of the River's current. He smiles like a Cheshire, and his shoulders hitch with his chuckle.**

Aiy am sso going to win thiss...!

Man-oh-man! You wouldn't believe how long I've waited for this moment... Let's get on with it!

{B4 cradles his own stick, and steps up beside Purr, to the left-most position of the five Contestants. He puts his left hand on the handrail, sets his right foot on the lowest horizontal safety rail, and pivots up and out to look down at the River.}

Yup, this should work well. It's not a torrential post-rain flow, but a leisurely ambling sort of current. That'll help build the suspense. It'll give us ample time to station ourselves along the opposite railing and still have time to wait for the first winning Pooh Stick to emerge.

{He glances along the line of competitors, then focuses on LARGE.}

Hey, Baileywick! Since you're situated in the middle, and your voice carries pretty well, how about you officiate the Drop? You've also got a better view of everything... from 'up there'.

B4theGOisgiven

Is no lie. Mi amigo, he always talked about this Competencia de Palitos de Pooh. No matter where we traveled in the starship, we stop someplace with agua, and he tells me of this game.

~El Squid de Castilla slaps two tentacles to either side of his head and sways, as if delirious. Then he straightens up and chuckles.~

He has built this up for so long, I am to presumir this is the most spactacular event in la tierra... ever.

:: LARGE inches closer to the handrail, holding his stick / log / limb out in front of him horizontally. ::

:: Slowly, he surveys the Contestants to his right. El Squid squirms and wriggles upon his tentacles, sidling up to the drop point. The Gander wobbles as he lifts and sets down his webbed feet, perched upon the handrail. ::

:: His gaze turns to the Contestants on the left. Purr's tail is flipping and twitching with excitement, and his paws quiver as he holds his stick out over the railing. B4, holding his twig vertically out over the handrail, glances over at him and smiles, then flicks his nose out toward the River. ::

I no longer beg your pawdon, Gentlemen. I ask only that you wait for my signal, and that we all drop our Pooh Sticks ~at the same time~. Am I completely clear on this matter?

:: He checks for nods of approval from each Contestant, then faces forward. ::

Well then...

On your marks...

Ready...

Steady...

DROP...!!!

:: This could not have been choreographed any better by Busby Berkeley. All the Pooh Sticks fall in unison. There's a faint whistle of air as they drop. The stick / log / limb slips evenly, horizontally, from the top of the Bridge to the water. ::

:: El Squid's stick rockets downward, its pointed end cutting through the air. ::

:: The Gander opens his beak and his wrist-sized stick tumbles end-over-end like a drum major's baton. ::

:: Purr opens his paw at the same time, and his 'all natural' twig drops swiftly, the remaining leaves fluttering like mad in its wake. ::

:: B4 lets go of his Pooh Stick, and it speeds downward, lancing through the span from Bridge railing to the River's surface. ::

:: There are four splashes and one huge SPLASH! ::

:: All the Pooh Sticks disappear into the silver-blue stream of the River's water, then bob up to be seen again. ::

:: Baileywick's stick / log / limb is still situated longitudinally, parallel with the Bridge. El Squid's stick has nosed up against the log, looking as if it means to push it on the right side. The Gander's stick is swirling in a lazy circle, making its way to the far right end of the log, as if it means to circle around it. Purr's 'all natural' twig has caught on the upper bark of the log, its leading point draped in front of the log. B4's twig went submerged completely, then pops up out of the water and lands parallel atop the log, rocking gently, trying to decide to either slip off in front of or to the rear of the log. ::

:: All of them disappear under the Bridge. ::

Alright... To the other rail, Gentlemen!