h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

...cannot believe you talked me into this ridícula aventura, mi Amigo. Do you truly think there will be any traces of the event left?

*The eight-legged humanoid Squid gesticulates with his dexterous right appendage, sweeping it in a wide arc to indicate the beach and the nearby forest. There's a blood-red shield strapped to his back, and a gleaming sword hangs at a slight angle across it. The Spaniard steps onto the strand, takes a few paces, then halts and waits for his camarada to join him.*

{The pair of legs resolves into the figure of a slightly built man wearing a light leather trenchcoat, a deep brown leather satchel on a shoulder strap tucked under his left arm. His grey hair is short, though it wafts in the breeze coming onto the shore. He comes up even with the Squid and pauses momentarily, adjusting his glasses, then proceeds up the beach toward the verge of the forest.}

Come on, El Squid. Let's do this. Obviously no one's here ~on~ the beach, and it looks like all the pie-splats have long since been cleared away...

{He shrugs and plods on, letting his commentary slide over his shoulder as he walks.}

When I explained the rules to you, I promised you a fair game of it. Let's see who wins...

B4weChowthese2willgetalong

*El Squid de Castilla turns on several of his heels and perambulates along behind B4, catching up to him in short order. His six walking tentacles undulate in quick succession, and he gesticulates with his main 'arms' as he talks.*

You mentioned palos. There are no 'sticks' here on the strand, mi pequeño Crustáceo.

*He draws even with B4, then turns his cylinder of a head with its triangular fins toward the forest.*

Aha! Now I see...

*He pulls ahead of B4, turns to face him, yet still moves toward the tree line, walking backward.*

You intend to find these 'sticks' amongst the trees. Genialidad! ...or at least, very wise for such a... how do you say... espontáneo?... man.

Flighty? Spontaneous? Distracted? Yeah, I'll own up to that. Just remember this old adage, though: "Quite often it's better to be 'lucky' than 'good'."

{B4 picks up his pace and swats El Squid as he passes him.}

Let's go, Squidward. This Pooh Sticks Competition ain't gonna run itself. Gotta find a couple of good sticks...

{He enters the edge of the forest, glancing back-and-forth in the underbrush at the transition between beach and wooodland.}

B4these2getintoallkindsofmischiefalongtheway

*El Squid de Castilla turns and follows B4 into the undergrowth. He reaches out and snags something from the ground.*

You also mentioned a premio para el Ganador... a prize for the Winner. Will this be fish, crabs, or shrimp?

*The sentient Cephalopod gazes from one round dark eye.*

Not that I think you would best a Spaniard, but... ~if~ you were to win, what reward would you have?

*He uses another appendage to snake under a bush and pulls back a twig.*

{There's not even a second's hesitation from B4.}

A zero-point power source.

{He glances at the Squid over his shoulder.}

Just think of all the tech I could cobble together, smaller and lighter, with infinite energy to run each item...

{He moves on, pushing aside the shrubs to make a path, continually surveying the ground for a suitable floating limb.}

B4theconversationspiralsuncontrollablyintotechnicaljargon

*El Squid de Castilla stops momentarily and heaves his molluscan body in laughter.*

Ho-ho-ho! You are dreaming again, compadre. The laws of Física do not allow for such a paradoja. It cannot exist in this universe.

*He continues pushing through the underbrush, using multiple appendages to move it aside, traversing more easily than his human companion.*

Just because ~you~... or any other Spaniard... haven't invented a zero-point energy source, doesn't mean it can't exist. I'll find one. I'll eventually find one...

OH...! I think I've got one!

B4thedebaterageson2noviableconclusion

*El Squid de Castilla stops in his tracks, and scratches his triangular fins.*

No-no, Amigo. You could not have found a zero-point energy sou--

Duh... No, you doofus! What're we here doing?

{He waits a beat, but doesn't give the Squid the opportunity to respond.}

Looking for sticks! And ~I~ have found the perfect Pooh Stick to give me the win.

{He holds a small sturdy branch aloft for his friend's inspection.}

Just the right amount of girth to float well. And if I take off these extra tiny branches...

...and leave the main ones intact, it'll catch the current better and race ahead of yours.

B4iextolALLthevirtuesofmyPoohStick2makeUembarrassed

*El Squid de Castilla moves into the clearing with B4 and lifts his 'arms' to display a variety of five sticks, each in a separate appendage, while balancing on a tripod of tentacles.*

Perhaps my flotilla will out-maneuver and out-distance your puny excuse of a Pooh Palo...

Dude! You can't have multiple entries! Each person gets to use ~one~ stick for the race.

B4idigouttheRuleBook2showUhowwrongUR

*El Squid de Castilla stands implacably before B4, and shoves all the sticks in front of his face.*

Then why is it called a Pooh Sticksss... with an 's' at the end... Competition? Explain that, my bone-in opositor de batalla...!

*He waves all five sticks under B4's nose, as if to goad him.*

Oh, good Gosho...! We've got a language barrier going on here... or at least a disconnect.

{B4 sighs and begins to explain, gesticulating expressively as he does so.}

Look, Squidward, the Competition is designed so ~each person~... or 'entity'... has the opportunity to use ~one~ stick in the race.

{He taps his wristwatch computer, calling up a holographic display of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. He motions with his right hand, flipping to he Search function, taps in the characters for 'Pooh Sticks', and opens up the entry for Rules & Guidance. He holds the display for the Squid to see, and points to the specific lines of justification.}

See...? Right there! "One stick per participant." Go on... Choose one of the five. The rest have to be discarded.

B4werealizejusthowpedanticthisguycanbe

*El Squid de Castilla is crestfallen; the fins on his tapering head droop, and his tentacles hold limply the sticks he's found.*

It is... what I would call... a tentechanicallity, mi Amigo. Yet we will compete mano a mano...

*He grimaces -- at least, it seems so, for a cephalopod with a beak-like mouth.*

...or perhaps Mano a Molusco.

*The Squid brings each stick before his critical gaze, whittling down the choices one-by-one, discarding the also-rans into the weeds, until he is left with a single Pooh Stick. It is slim and trim, with only two offshoot branches of equal length, so it looks like a 'peace sign'.*

Very well, mi Amigo, I have made my choice. Show me to this Bridge you have talked about…

Okay, yeah. It's this way... Past the Lifeguard Station, along the west side of Town Square, along the footpaths there, and then at the junction of Bridge Street, over the top of the River. Simple enough, but it ~is~ a hike.

C'mon. Let's do this!

B4allthisexercisedivertsourcourse2theAromaCafeortheForum&Firkin

Si. Vamonos.

*El Squid de Castilla undulates and squirms forward, following B4. He unsheathes his sword Tizona, pulling it away from the shield on his back. He holds up his Pooh Palo and uses the edge of his sword to sharpen the leading end to a point as he perambulates.*

{B4 and the Squid round the shore of the Beach and start to head northward. There to the right is the Lifeguard Station.}

{Standing in front of the open concessionaire-style window of the Office is a tall black feline in foppish clothing. Not just a large cat... a humanoid cat, from the looks of things.}

{It's wearing forest green breetches with leather buskin boots that are turned over at the thigh. A deep blue jerkin with loose sleeves is its shirt, and there's a leather cap atop its head, with a bright red feather plume canted in an angle backward. Beside it, propped against the wall of the Lifeguard Hut is a black walking cane with a silver wolf’s head knob. It has a fancy quill pen clutched in one paw, scribbling on a short stack of paperwork.}

{After several more paces, B4 pats the Squid on his back and motions to detour toward the Hut. He picks up his pace and pulls away, calling over his shoulder...

C'mon... I know this guy!

Hey, Furrball...! How ya doin'?

B4weCjusthowcloseaconnectionthese2haveformed

**The two figures approaching from behind Purr in Boots catch only snippets of the conversation between him and the Manager of the Lifeguard Hut, BlueBottle. He (<BB&lt is standing behind the half-height wall that serves as a pass-thru, but it's apparent he's striking a deal with the Cat. He (<BB&lt is holding a camera in his hands, the strap of it curving around his neck. After attempting an initial focus on Purr, he takes the camera away from his face and asks...**

<BB<
Can you blow a whistle? Most lifeguards spend their time blowing whistles leaving everyone in the pool to wonder who is being whistled at and why....
<BB<


**Purr in Boots nods and replies.**

Mosst assurredly Aiy can blow a whisstle. Aiy did sso at maiy lasst place of employment when therre wass ssome harrassment going on.

...or perrhapss that issn't exactly what yeow werre meaning...?

No, the pointy teeth do not hamperr maiy ability to usse ssuch a device.

Err... Prrovided yeow take meow on as a new hirre, would Aiy alsso have a plaque on the wall herre, like the rresst of yeowr memeberr Liffeguarrdss...?


<BB<
Well, of course, I'm going to hire you. Who else can I employ that would have such "cat-like" reflexes?
<BB<


**Purr in Boots breaks out in a Cheshire Cat grin.**
Iff the plaque iss cusstomizzable, would yeow pleasse have maiyn rread:

My unreasonable fear of water won't stop this Cat from rescuing you... I hope. >>TWEEEEET!!!<< NO RUNNING BY THE EDGE OF THE POOL!


<BB<
Certainly! Consider it done. Now... would you please give me a 3/4 profile so I can take your photo for above the plaque?

BlueBottle raises the camera again, ensures the focus still matches, and gets ready to snap the pic.
<BB<


**At the shouted phrase, "Hey, Furrball...! How ya doin'?", Purr in Boots turns toward the familiar voice--**


<BB<

**The Manager (<BB&lt clicks the snapshot, and washes Purr's back with a >FLASH!< of bright light. He (<BB&lt lowers his camera and shakes his head.**

You know we're going to have to try that again, right?
<BB<


B4...? Iss that yeow?

**Purr glances back-and-forth between B4 and the Squid ambling up right behind his fellow actor.**

It ~iss~ yeow! Well, I'll be sswamped with kittenss...! And who iss thiss tagging along with yeow?

Yup! It's still me...
{B4 turns and ushers the Squid forward...}
Hey, so... Purr in Boots, meet El Squid de Castilla. Señor El Squid de Castilla, meet Purr in Boots.

{B4 gets up on tip-toes and cranes past the big Cat, then shouts and waves...}
Hey, BlueBottle! You're on duty today? Good to see again!

B4thisturnsintoaMiniMeet