h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*El Squid moves toward one of the pie carts*

*he sheathes his Sword Tizona and places the red Shield of Castille upon his back*

*he stands and ponders the selection for several moments*

*he takes six pies from the array; one in each 'arm', and four balanced on half his 'walking' tentacles*

Banana Cream. Boston Cream.
Pecan. Apple. Peach. Apricot.
Si, such delicias para el paladar will either distract or destroy this Asaltante Loco.

*he hefts each in turn, judging the merits of their flavor, as well as gauging their respective weights and aerodynamics*

{B4 notes the Squid standing at the pie cart, holding a veritable arsenal of desserts. He frowns, wondering how this next bit will go.} Umm... Hey, Squidward! I don't think you want to do that. The Bear has a very--how shall I put this?--overbearing personality. He may not take kindly to being assaulted with a bunch of pies... {He leaves the comment hanging, now dividing his attention between his treasured Pooh Stick that the she-wolf is playing wtih, and the prospect of seeing the Squid become calamari.}

B4weturntheservingtablesintoaSushiBar

*The pie cart, having been rather jostled from being hit by 90 pounds of flesh at 30 miles per hour, and being further unbalanced by having 6 pies removed from one side, tilts, spilling pies.*

*Having been stopped rather suddenly, Flamedancer sits dazed a moment before pawing the bucket from her head. Snorting, she picks the bucket up in her teeth and tosses it away with a flick of her head.*

*Shakes, pie bits flying from body.*

*Sees STICK sticking up out of the sand and grabs the end.*

>-THUNK!-< I can't see. I CAN'T SEE! {B4, arms outstretched, turns and stumbles, attempting to navigate with a bucket over his head. He caroms off the pie cart, dislodging an entire load onto the beach. [Oddly, the pie cart seems to remain completely full.] He blunders around the cart in a drunken sailor jig. He steps into the mush of pies, his foot slips out and upward, he reels backward, he performs one of those "arse-over-teakettle" moves the British are so fond of chuckling about, and lands with a >-SPLAT!-< atop the heap of pie goosh. Berries and creams and crust and such splatter out in all directions.} Oof! Gack! ...ouch...

B4thingsgetanymessierthanaquark

...
B4thingsgetanymessierthanaquasar

*having finished the pre-course safety paper work, nbb returns to the upturned pie cart, and picking up one of the less damaged pies, brushes off the sand and consumes it*

hmmm...not that good - who's holding a goodly supply of mufflewhumps around here?

{B4 rises up on his elbows and splutters. He drags a forearm across his face to remove some pie piece remnants and breathes a sigh.} I’m getting’ too old for this... {He rolls over onto his hands and knees, stands with some care, and brushes himself off. Little bits of pie crust and a rainbow-hue of blotches slowly ooze down his back and legs.} Uck.

{He shakes his head, flinging more orts of pie filling. Once he’s cleared his head, he looks for the Pooh Stick he’s supposed to be minding. The she-wolf is flipping it into the air, as if she still intends to play with it. B4 looks forward to retrieving it, dog slobber and all. It’ll wait for now. He notes the Squid standing nearby, armed to the gills with pies. He looks toward the tremulous trees where the Bear is shaking Florida Sailor mercilessly. He turns back to the Squid.}

Hey, Squidward! I’m telling you, the Bear is gonna tear you a new one if you even ~think~ about getting in a row with him. Leave him be...unless you can drum up an army to take him down.

B4ihave2tellyouathirdtime2stopbeingahero

*El Squid de Castilla fixes his gaze upon B4*

You, Señor, underestimate the strength and cunning of the Champion de Castille. Nor have you considered the overwhelming firepower I have at my disposal.

*he flings all four of the fruit pies at B4 in quick succession, holding the two cream pies in reserve*

{The four pies all connect: pecan in the face, apple in the chest, peach in the crotch, and apricot to the knees. B4 stands stock-still for a moment, then explodes in anger.}

Okay! That’s IT! I’ve had about enough of you, seaweed-breath! {He wipes pecans from his eyes and lets the rest of the goo slide off as he stomps toward the Squid.} You’ve denigrated me, made fun of my adopted nation’s flag, and now--NOW!--you’ve plastered me with pie gunk! It...is...ENOUGH! {He charges at the Squid, heedless of the danger, and starts to grapple with him.}

Furshlugginer rat-baggin carp-socking bottom-dweller!

B4allheckafazoolabreaksloose

*El Squid de Castilla engages the enraged B4*

*he wraps his four (now unladen) ‘walking’ tentacles around his arms and legs*

*immediately, he slams the two remaining pies (Banana Cream and Boston Cream) on both sides of B4’s head*

{B4 shakes his head, blinks, and spits. He struggles against the tentacles around his arms and manages to grab the Squid of Castille by the flared diamond-shaped fins on either side of his elongated head. With all his might, he jerks the Squid forward and head-butts him.}

...ow... {B4 realizes the Squid may be seeing stars, but the move didn’t make him feel good, either.}

B4iputacapinhisdonkey&bedonewithit

*El Squid de Castilla reels for a second, loosening his grip*

*he renews his attack with his free ‘arms’, starting to choke the little man in the bathing trunks*

You seem to be a more worthy adversary when you have a purpose, pepito, but your anger will be your undoing. Let it not cloud your judgment and your tactics…

{B4 struggles against the strangle-hold, flailing now and looking about for some advantage. He sees an opening--and snatches the sword from out of the Squid’s sheath. He places the pointed tip against the Squid’s forehead, squarely between his wide-set eyes.}

Urk! You wanna...piece of me? Well...I want...a piece...of you! {He flicks his wrists and a sliver of the Squid’s hide hangs free, then plops into the sand.}

B4thebrawlturnsintoalifeordeathstruggle

*El Squid de Castille bellows in pain, a sound that is both deep and reverberating, as well as high and keening*

*he hoists B4 into the air, making him lose grip of the Sword Tizona, then slams him into the sand*

*he straddles the little man, pulls the upright sword from the sand, and dangles it above B4’s chest*

*his chitinous beaked mouth clacks and snaps, then he speaks*

You, Señor, have wounded me; the only contender who has ~ever~ done so. It will be the last thing you are remember for, if you are remembered at all.

*he draws the sword up and back, in preparation to plunging it through B4’s heart*

{B4 moves his arms, placing his hands to cover his heart. The move also allows him to use his free hand to manipulate the WHAT/NEXT on his left wrist, and with the press of a few buttons in succession, he keys in a command.} No you don’t!

{Suddenly, there’s a rushing mighty wind that swirls through the trees and flings sand in gouts and geysers along the beach. From behind a cloud, a sleek silver spaceship slices through and swings low to the strand. Its high whine pierces the otherwise normal atmosphere, but only for a moment, as it is there and gone just as quickly. A blinding flash of light engulfs both the Squid and B4, flashing bright blue tendrils in electric arcs all around, then it’s gone. So is the spaceship. So are the Squid and B4. There’s only a small swirl of electrified sand where they were, and it, too, dissipates within seconds.}

The sailor seems to move randomly from tree to to tree, being careful to remain in the high canopy, forcing Spike to move from trunk to truck to continue his shaking. From his high perch he can easily observe the activities on the beach.

He hopes the whole diversion of El Squid and B4 will keep the others from noticing he is close to reaching the trees overhanging the river - just upstream of the Pooh Stick Bridge.

The shaking of the trees takes on a new vigour, not unlike the winds off Cape Horn. He is forced to stop his progress and hang on with both arms and legs. The sudden flash and reduction of players confuses him.

F S

*Flamedancer sees STICK-Throwing-Packmate playing with Smells-Intriguing-Weird-Thing*

*Sees STP use shiny stick to cut off piece of SIWT*

*Realizes they're not playing.*

*Charges to defend STP--*

*Blinding flash*

*They're gone!*

*shakes his head at the violence that the innocent planned pooh stick triathlon has turned into*

*raids lil's supply of mufflewhumps and turns them into a sparkling new rack of pies, praying that these will last longer*

Oh! Deus ex machina. Haven't seen one of those in years.
*resumes watching the Gootanic*

BOOOOMMMMMMMM! *the bots are making use of all the spilled and crushed pies to form more ammunition*

That one took a stack right off. Looks like the lifeboats are heading for h2g2 Village -- I bet we get a bunch of new registrants, lilac!

I wonder whether the pie monster has had enough to eat yet?

*Realizes that he is getting closer (which here means only a few trees away) to the bridge and divines (which here means suddenly gets the forehead-slapping idea of) the plan of FS. Picks up a long vine and forms (which here means fumbles without an opposable thumb) a loop at one end. Whirls it above his head and lassos the top of the tree (which here means heaves the rope upwards several dozen times until it finally hooks the right tree) that is currently harbouring FS. Pulls on the rope, bending the tree down towards the ground, with the bend facing away from the bridge. Pulls until the tree is at maximum tension, almost snapping, then lets go. The tree straightens in a flash, accelerating FS with it, in the direction away from the bridge.*

Bfleble gfmemff!

*Spits out the wad of PAG*

Please excuse me. What I was attempting to vocalize was:

Purloin my sticks, will you? Ha!