h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

~El Squid de Castilla rounds on Purr in Boots, glaring at him. The look encompasses things hidden, as if from the depths of the ocean; dark, unspoken things. It is a long moment before he gives voice. ~

Señor Gato... You and I, we have barely met; we hardly know each other. If I express to you that your sense of humor is, perhaps, inappropriate, would you be receptive to the admonishment?

~El Squid stands very still, still glaring, as he uses one tentacle to slowly unsheath his beloved exceedingly sharp Sword Tizona, that gleams in the sunlight as it weaves in a tiny arc between them. ~

**Instinctively, Purr in Boots hunkers down with claws extended. His tail flicks side-to-side, as if it is an unbidden nervous tic.**

Yeou would take offence sso eassily? Yeou would sparr overr a witticissm?

**Purr begins to slowly circle the Squid.**

Hey... Guys! What are ya doin'...?

B4thisgetsouttahand

:: LARGE stands up to his full height on the Bridge, which makes him tower over the other three persons by at least two-fold. With a speed and alacrity belying his size, he moves between the Cat and the Squid. ::

Gentlemen...

:: His voice is low, gentle, sonorous, firm. ::

I do beg your pawdon for stopping you in the midst of your little discussion, but I see no good outcome for pursuing this course of action between the two of you.

:: LARGE reaches toward each of the opponents, displaying his massive hands, flexing his fingers in such a way one cannot help but imagine the amount of crushing force they could exert. ::

It is my opinion that both of you could come to some concession, a better common ground, if you will but tread more carefully with your words and actions. Just a modicum of consideration for each other as rational individuals should help keep all this in perspective.

:: He glances back-and-forth between El Squid and Purr. ::

Can I count on you to be civil from here forward? After all, if you desire to contend against one another, I believe Mister B4 made mention of a Pooh Sticks Competition.

:: LARGE smiles a smile that seems to stretch a mile, yet it holds an underlying tacit implication that if his suggestion is not honored, heads will roll. ::

**Purr in Boots relaxes, his hackles laying down, his claws velveting, and he stands upright in a more natural posture. His tail still flicks, but in a wider leisurely arc.**

Ssurre... Aiy am all fforr a diplomatic ssolution...

**He takes a half-step back, and rolls both paws outward and open.**

~El Squid de Castilla pauses. He eyes the very LARGE Induhvidual, listens to his admonition. He watches Purr in Boots step back and relax.~

Your diplomacy is impeccable, Señor Gigante. I aver to your suggestion. As you have said, our main focus should be una Competencia de Palitos de Pooh.

~He, himself, sheathes Tizona, his sword, and crosses two pairs of appendages in front of the others he stands upon, his prospective entry in the game clasped gingerly in two of the tentacles.~

[ aside to Baileywick, the very LARGE Induhvidual ]
And here I thought your skills were only as a Concessionaire and a Bouncer...
[ /aside ]

Whew!

Well, I'm glad ~that~ got cleared up! So... Are we gonna start this game of skill and chance, or what?

{B4 turns to Baileywick, looking up... way up.}

We ought to give you time to find a suitable stick for your entry into the competition...

B4thebigguyclogstheriverwithalogjam

:: Without hesitation, Baileywick reaches up, grasps a limb protruding from the mid-section of a tree towering up beside the Town Bridge, snaps off a 3-meter section, trims off all but two off-shoots by hand, then stands it up vertical on the pavers of the Bridge. The "Pooh Stick" he has fashioned is half his height in length. ::

Beg your pawdon, Sir, but I dinna think we need tarry. I have mine...

What the...?

Ah... I see...

Okay, then the only one still needing a Pooh Stick is...

...Purr? You want to take a few minutes to scout one up?

B4weworryifaCatwillstrayawayintheWoods

Not to worry. Aiy've got thiss...

**Purr in Boots hoists his cane in his left paw, gripping it in the middle. With his right paw, he flips a lever (sublty disguised as part of the wolf's head), and a tiny catamaran sail pops out of the length of the black cane, as well as two miniature pontoons at the sides. He smiles a toothy grin, walks over to the railing, and peers down at the flow of water. Satisfied with the current status of the... well... current, he turns back to the group.**

Aiy believe Aiy am rready fforr this game...

...hey-Hey-HEY...!!!

You can't enter ~that~ in the Competition!

{B4 immediately taps his wristcomputer, calling up a holographic display of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. He swiftly navigates the convoluted menu system (under Everything / Leisure & Lifestyle / Outdoor Activities) until he finds the entry for "Poohsticks" (A246188). He also opens the companion entry in a separate pop-up that describes what constitutes a Stick (A53605).}

Okay. Look here. These are the basic rules, which I suppose you won't try to contravene either. And ~here~ is the point of contention we're gonna put to rest right now. A "stick" is...and I quote: "...essentially a piece of dead wood which has fallen off a tree..."

So... Put that away, and go find a "stick" from over in the Woods. We'll be waiting right here...

B4weseeifherefuses2concedelikesomeoneelseweknow

Mice and Mandatess! Who comess up with ssuch nonssensse? Jusst becausse Aiy built thiss meowsself, it'ss not allowed in the...

**Purr in Boots notes the grim stares of all the other contestants.**

Oh, alrright!

**He activates the lever a second time. Both the sail and the mini-pontoons slip back neatly into the cane.**

Here. Hold this while Aiy'm gone.

**He thrusts the black walking cane at B4, and hands it over to him.**

Give meow a ffew minutess. Aiy'll be back...

**With that, Purr drops onto all fours and bounds along the curve of the Bridge and disappears into the undergrowth beyond the tree line.**

Ummmm...

...okay.

B4iwhistleabunchoftunes2keepeveryoneentertainedwhilewewait

^a shadow passes across the Bridge^

^the shadow comes from a large winged avian, overhead^

^the sound of strained honking comes from the direction of the shadow / avian^

^the big bird executes and Immelman turn & swoops back in the direction of Town Bridge^

^in a breeze of beating wings, a Goose lands on the top rail, near LARGE, a thick stick in its beak^

Hu-HUNK-hunk-Hunkity-HUNK! (Aab aaa ate orr eee Ooh Iks ame?)

^realizing it's not getting its point across, it droops its head and spits out the stick onto the Bridge^

Qua-QUACK-quack-Quackity-QUACK! (Am I late for the Pooh Sticks game?)

Well, 'hi there'... again.

Um... How did you know were gonna--?

B4wereallyflockupthisthread

Qua-QUACK-quack-Quackity-QUACK! ("A little birdie told me.")

[ SPAG Fix ]
Discreetly tucks "we" into his second of dialog above. (in front of 'were')
[ / SPAG ]



Well, it looks like this makes five of us to compete.

B4anyoftheotherSalonistaswhostartedthisthreadcomeback

^the Gander hops down from the rail and retrieves its stick^

^he pecks it up in his mouth, then tucks it under his left wing^

^he waddles up to B4 and gives him 'the side eye', head tilted^

Qua-QUACK-quack-Quackity-QUACK! (You don't know how to count, do you?)

Qua-QUACK-quack-Quackity-QUACK! (Look around you, Bud. There are only four of us standing on this bridge.)

Qua-QUACK-quack-Quackity-QUACK! (Let me recommend a tutor...)

Qua-QUACK-quack-Quackity-QUACK! (There's this vampire on Sesame Street who...)

Hu-HONK-honk-Honkity-HONK! (hahaha...heeheehee...hohoho...)

^everything else is lost in translation, too much laughing^

:: LARGE moves within the Gander's "personal space" and leans in a bit. ::

Beg pawdon, Sir Gander, but you haven't accounted for one of our group who has gone to fetch an appropriate 'natural' twig for the Pooh Sticks Competition. Yes, there are only four of us here at present. Yet, in short order, a Master Purr in Boots should return, and that will bring us to the full complement of five contenders for the prize... or prizes.

:: He turns from the Gander to grimace at B4. ::

Beg pawdon, Mister B4, but what ~are~ the prizes in this game?

~El Squid de Castilla pulls on B4's shoulder, until he faces him. In a low voice, attempting to keep the other two from overhearing, he launches into and "I told you so" routine.~

Amigo, I explain this to you many times... every time you dragged me into conversation about this whole Competencia de Palitos de Pooh. I say, "We need to think about premios." You say, "Mañana... but before the competencia."

~El Squid holds up four tentacles with four watches, and uses one tentacle to point to each of them in turn.~

It does not seem to matter if we considerar Earth Time Zones... Universal Time... Gallifreyan Anno Differentialus... or even Inter-Dimensional Epoch Anachronistics... it is muy tarde ahora to say you have prepared fully.