h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Ah well, you know how it is, you get the call that a chum is in a spot of bother. So you do an inventory check and head off to start the search, well prepared with and snacks stowed away, and before you know it things go a little pear shaped.

Story of my life really

*watches everything with interest*

Cor!! This is better than the telly.

*seeing that everyone is aboard, Amos gives the reins a little shake and the greathorses move forward willingly. The landscape changes almost immediately into forest as the leave the environs of the farm and all signs of domestication. The snow is falling faster now and the sky is a leaden gray*

*there is another, deeper howl from somewhere off to the right of the road, and the horses snort*

I reckon we should stop at the first place that we can turn around, fetch a tree and be gettin back home afore nightfall.

Thanks, Ti. I think I will take a second on that nice warm liquer... Funny, though... That first bottle didn't taste quite the way I remember it, when I was in Deutschland...

[He uncaps the bottle Titania returned to him, slugs it back, and gives a little grunt of pleasure.]

Now THAT's the flavor I remember! This bottle just didn't hit the...

[B4 holds the first small bottle in front of his face and examines it, though the effects of the liquer are already starting to show. His brow furrows.]

...Waidaminit... This isn't a boddle of Jägermeister...exactly...iss kinda close, but no cigar... Shape's a bit off... Label's a wee bit diff-- Waddid I just drink?!?!

Let's hope that the Jägermeister will kill it, whatever it was...

*extracting her healthstone and turning it onto B4 in an interrogatory sort of way*

Affy, I'd rather face a lich any day than Stephanie and her friend with the cribs. That has to be the most boring space I have ever spent time in, right Caer? I wonder what happened to that lizard-rat-thing that we called Styx Jr.?

*the healthstone displays cheerful patterns. Rather like Maya and her compass in the Dark Materials trilogy, Lil is gradually developing a greater understanding of the healthstone as being more than a simple medical-magic device*

B4, whatever you drank, it isn't going to kill you or mess with your genetic infrastructure. But your hooves are going to be a lot more healthy.

*hearng yet another howl* Affy, can you remember what kind of howling things are in this wood? Do the killer bunnies howl? I wish Garius was here.

[GDZ]

Purple is a nice colour, very slimming and flattering to the mature complexion, but the ~whole~ place was purple, very Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen really.

Styxie Jr was helpful in his way and it would be nice to meet him again in more convivial circumstances. Somewhere less purple anyway.

Affy5-Okay, wait, you met Stephanie too? Stephanie the Baby-Sitter? When we get home, I need to here about everything that you people did while I was missing, because Stephanie's one of the more serious villains around here.

As for what kind of things howl, well....for all we know, it might *be* Garius, enjoying a pre-evening stroll. Course, it could also be his evil clone, Big Bad Werewolf, but BBW's been a tad inactive lately.

As for other things....well, if it got in from Zork it could be a Hellhound, though they don't really like cold weather like this. Killer Rabbits don't really howl. There's such a thing as A Mouse That Roars, but they aren't native to h2g2. The country they came from declared war on the United States once, though, so I wish I could remember the name of that place....

It could be any number of other things, too. A normal wolf or coyote might be out in the woods, you see those around h2g2 from time to time. There might also be some new animal in the forest that no one's encountered yet. Either a magical thing or a mutant or an alien,....maybe even some kind of animalistic ghost.

I'm with Amos. Much as I'd like to look for whatever it is, the *wisest* course of action would be to find a tree ASAP. Maybe not the most *fun* of options, but certainly the *wisest* one.

*makes a mental note of not turning to Affy when feeling the need of reassurance*

*listens to the howling*

Oh, I do hope it isn't BBW - I think Ripley is still a bit miffed after he got thrown out of the S.T.A.T.S's HQ...

*Nods in agreement*

*snuggles down deeper under a throw*

Let's use magic to extract a tree. I think I can use the healthstone to encourage a tree to shut off its capillary roots and curl in the rest of its roots so that we can get it out easily, if I promise it a week of glory at the atelier, and a future on the lawns behind CLI.

Has anyone got lifting and manipulating magic to get it on and off the trailer? Or a levitation spell?

Hmmm.... I'm not still quite sure about how to combine the powers of the pale blue pearl from the h2g2 sewers that Styx gave me, and the... the... duh! *strikes forehead in an attempt to make her memory puzzle pieces fall into place*

Oh! Right! My trusty elf emerald - combined with the pearl I think it can have various effects depending on what I focus on... (thanks sea, for writing A497162 - my virtual self seems to be just as forgettable as my real self)

*checks dictionary*

Forgetful! Forgetful! Not forgettable!

/* Zeppo jumps up from his tummy-rub and looks out into the distance, searching for the source of the howling. */

That would be the Duchy of Grand Fenwick, where those mice come from.

We could try giving Zeppo a little phlog with some blue powder in it, and then tell him to fetch. Only we might end up with the whole forest in the hay wain. Or a bunch of squirrels.
<-- now looking for squirrels

Didn't they do levitation at Hogwarts? The spell must be around somewhere, I'll try googling.

My old school was very like Hogwarts, without the magic of course, but very neo-gothic. The Maths mistress looked very like Professor Sprout.

That spell is Wingardium Leviosa. But make sure you accent the right syllables, or it is bound to backfire.

I've got a giant-sized cargo net which we can attach to the hook on the dragonFLYbot.

Iss the earth moving for y’all, too, or iss it jusst the wagon wobbling…? Oh…thiss iss mi-dee sstrange…

[B4 hiccups and his body leaves the hay bale he’s been rooted to; he spins in mid-air and lands back on his butt atop the same bale of hay.]

Well…that wass difffferent… Lil, are you ssure you read your sstone a-right-ily…?

[B4 takes a deep breath, as if to clear out the cobwebs, or perhaps infuse his system with oxygen to give the Jägermeister an extra kick. His body does something weird, in that it does not ‘unheave’ as he expels the air. He seems to have gotten just a tad thicker all around.]

Gosh, I hope thiss drink issn’t givin’ me gassss… Pardon, ladiess. Didn’t mean to ssay that out loud… Ya know, I coulda ssworn I wore my cammo cold weather fatigues, but now that I look at ‘em, the colorss are all wrong… Ti… Caer… Does thiss suit look more like a winter camouflage, all white and little dapples of grey…?

[With every breath, B4 seems to swell in all the wrong places. His head grows rounder, causing his cap to sidle up to its crown and sit askance. His upper torso inflates so that he literally looks barrel-chested. His legs puff up and begin to merge tightly together, becoming one large globular mass. His arms, however, have narrowed to the size of sticks. The woodland camouflage outfit he’d worn has washed out and become completely white.

There is a sudden gust of wind that wafts across the trail, spinning little drifts of snowflakes in its wake. As the sound tapers off and the wind passes on, a myriad of the little crystalline flakes cling to B4’s upper body. They coalesce and become opaque, taking on the appearance of a hunter green tartan plaid waistcoat. A gold watch chain dangles from one pocket. The snowflakes that clung to B4’s cap have transmuted it into a black bowler hat. The snowy crystals that had draped off one arm like a long icicle now bear the shape of a large black umbrella (closed, of course).

It is very plain to see that this is no longer B4. Rather, standing in the back of the wagon gawking with incredulity stands…