h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*sound of wagon wheels and clopping hooves in the gravel of the driveway, interspersed with the sound of muttering*


A bloke can't even hold his name through these here cyberchanges and new logons and such. Thought I'd never see my own space again, I never.


*An old-fashioned haywain pulls up in front of CLI. Attached to the back are the parts of a trailer that can be assembled for hauling back a Christmas tree. Also packed in the boot are spades, extra chains for the wheels in case of ice, and horsefeed*

*The huge bay Clydesdales Bonnie and Clyde are groomed to perfection and tossing their massive heads to make the harness bells jingle, eager to trot through H2G2 Village and show off*

*Amos sets the brake, leaps down and strides to the side entrance and stairs that lead to the atelier*

*comes drifting out of the Atelier, warmly dressed in a hand-knitted Icelandic sweater in pure new wool, a calf-length skirt of softest light brown suede, with matching knee-high boots wound with thin straps of leather wound around to keep them up*

(picture of sweater: http://www.northerner.com/p_images/floss1052-29.jpg )

*on one arm carrying Ripley, who is dressed in an almost matching set of hand-knitted Icelandic winter wear*

*in the other hand grabbing some carrots and Swedish knäckebröd, which she feeds to the big Clydesdales*

Hi Bonnie, hi Clyde! *nods to Amos*

*wearing her ubiquitous combat suit, but in a fetching shade of turquoise, with a matching hat, gloves, scarf and knee lenght boots*

Aaah, Ripley looks so cute!

Nice sweaters.

Hello Amos, I do hope you have plenty of supplies, I've got the kit

[B4, who's been gone a while, comes trudging down the path to the Atelier through the gathering wisps of snow. He's dressed in camouflage that shows up easily against the backdrop of white, though he tends to blend with the evergreens in the area. He's topped with a soft camo hat that folds down over his ears, and his black boots aren't the typical marching sort. He's sporting a pair of thick black gloves, with another pair tucked into the snap pockets of his camo jacket.]

Hi there, Titania! Woof--it's COLD out today, ain't it? But then, you're probably more acclimated to this than most of us... Brrrr!

[Stamps his feet in quick succession.]

Man-o-man, this is NOT the kind of weather for a Southern boy to venture out into unprepared. I thought for sure the longjohns, the Thinsulate gloves, and these Gortex boots would keep me warm. It just kinda sneaks through, doesn't it?

[He fidgets with his collar, running his gloved fingers from the nape of his neck to his lapels.]

Aarrrgh! And this dang muffler is itchy, to boot! How do folks do this? I've lived in the South for most of my life and NEVER wore so much clothing as this! "Multiple layers," they say. "That'll keep you warm if you just layer your clothing." RIGHT! I feel like the Michelin Tire Man, all bulked out and everything. What I wouldn't give just to have a built-in fur coat, like this little guy...

[Here he reaches out and scrubs Ripley on his furry head just behind his ears.]

And who's this now? Pardon my manners. I've met Ti and Ripley many times before but I haven't made your acquaintance yet, as this is my first outing for a 'tree hunt' with the Salonistas. Fine horses you have here! Can I get introductions for all of you? I go by the name of B4 around here, and y'all are...?

[He steps closer to the man with tack and harness, proferring his right hand in greeting.]

*Affy jumps down the stairs, still wearing his Standard Adventurer's Gear, sword drawn*

Aw, come on. It's not that cold. It's gotta be a balmy 27 degrees! Farhenheit! You've really gotta go on adventures to icy places. I recommend the South Pole, there are still a few undiscovered wreckages of UFOs. Or better yet, the Hymalayas! So much snow, treacherous footing, Yetis, and plenty of ancient, sacred temples ready to be desecrated! And by that I mean the evil temples, of course. The good ones are there for you to learn the weaknesses of the evil ones.

It's tough to tell them apart until you first step inside, though.

Now then, let's get ourselves a tree! Oh, and Lil, will you want CLI's genetically engineered Christmas Fireflies again this year? We've got plenty in stock.

*Exits the Atelier in combat fatigues.*



*Dons white over-garments and quickly blends in with the snow. Makes a snowball and throws it at Affy.*

*Affy's sword flashes blue! He quickly turns towards the snowball and slices it in two with his sword! Instead of the ball flying away, however, it just gets cut into two small snowballs that hit Affy in the face at the same time. Affy blinks in confusion as the snow falls off his face while the light from his sword turns off*

Ah, so THAT's how ya wanna play, eh?

*Affy sheathes his sword, scoops up another snowball, and hurls it in Zomnker's direction. While he does this, he begins tapping a message on his watch. A radio signal is sent to somewhere, some distant place....*

*Affy's watch beeps*

Ah, excellent! CLI base #270677 has responded to my call!

*Witty approaches wearing a coordinated Land's End ensemble all in crimson from head to toe. She sees the hit Affy and watches him tap his watch. She gives Affy a .

Oh, boy! This is going to be fun!

*Stands well away from Zomnker.*

*watches the fight*

This could go one of two ways.

*goes over to B4 and Amos*

B4, meet Amos.

Amos meet B4.

The horses are Bonnie and Clyde, gentle giants, well most of the time.

*A volley of snowballs, roughly two per second, begin slamming into Zomnker. They seem to be coming from the distant Mt. SandEverest*

Excellent! The cannon is still operational! Remind me to thank Ampton for keeping up the shop while I was in captivity.

*comes out of the Atelier wearing an orange jumpsuit and blue goggles. he looks around for the others and whilst doing a 180º he is hit squarely with a *

WELL!

*with that he heads back into the Atelier to grumble by the fireplace*

*does her best not to at the look of outraged indignation on Sporky's face*

*calls after him..*

Come on Sporky, don't miss the fun, we want you to come along too.

Sorry, Sporky! Those snowballs take a few seconds to get from the bazooka or cannon to anywhere else, they can't change course that easily!

*The volley of balls gradually slows down and ceases*

Okay, time for round two! Lemme prepare the big one....

*Begins tapping on his watch*

*hurtles out of the doorway and neatly sidesteps a big enough to qualify as a major avalanche for an that's just 10cm high*

Missed me!

*is wearing a long red skirt and a goo blue cape with a hood (something like this: http://www.cloaksofireland.com/West%20Cork.htm ). Blue woolly socks and goo blue DMs complete the ensemble*

*scrambles up into the cart* stows the DFB carefully and goes to sit besides Amos* Hi Amos. Hi Bonnie and Clyde.

*feels underdressed in her Hillbilly overalls and flannel shirt*

I have brownies for the break.

*dodges a snowball, grabs Ripley so Ti can join the fray and heads for cover*

[B4 dodges the odd bits of flying debris and stands in the shelter of the Atelier stairs by Amos. He shakes his hand.]

Good to meet you, Amos! Are you in charge of these fine coursers? They look sturdy enough for the task. By the way, you wouldn't mind if I pet them for a moment, would you...?

[Before Amos can answer, though, B4 is already sauntering over to the two Clydesdales. His right hand fishes in one of his jacket pockets as he stands in front of Clyde (easy enough to tell which is which) and lets the horse smell his left hand. After a moment to get acquainted, B4 rubs Clyde's nose and discreetly offers him a couple of sugar cubes from his open right hand.]

{whispers} What would you like, Sir? One lump, or two. Ah, a fine choice. Abundance...

[With a final sturdy stroke along Clyde's neck, B4 traverses past him to look into Bonnie's bonny brown eyes. He scratches under her muzzle and along her cheeks with both hands, then deftly produces a few more sugar cubes.]

{whispers} There ya go, Lass. Didn't think I'd leave you out of the sweet treasures, didja? That's a fine filly. Now let's start this journey off right, shall we? You stay sweet for me...

[With that, B4 walks out onto the path once again to observe the congregating crew from the Atelier and places beyond.]

{\whisper} Aaah... Right fine day it is! Though cold... Yes, it's COLD, alright... But that shouldn't be a problem as long as we stay active... Hey, is Sporky comin' or ain't he?

*bumps into Sporky on her way down the stairs* Hey, Vermont boy! You're not going to let SNOW stop you from having an adventure, are you??

*Comes out the side entrance in time to see a cannonnade of snowballs land on Zomnker* Hoo boy, the snow cannon still works! Nice one, Affi! This is so exciting, but I really must stop talking in exclamation marks.

*heads for the wagon and clambers up into the hay, where she finds lots of warm throws and cushions*

*snuggles in near the front*

*climbs up into the wagon too*

I love that smell of fresh frosty air

*decides to show Affy how to do a *real* fight without the technical gadgets*

*hands Ripley over to Amos*

*attacks Affy from behind and attempts to rub his face in the snow*