h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

No, that's ok. We don't want to exile them. I think this is why they don't put unaus in books very often. They'll calm down in a few days. And we'll look back at this and laaaaaugh!


How about if we drop Ripley into "The Path to Power" by Margaret Thatcher.

*Sticks her head round the door*

Everything ok in here? Oh.

*Spots Zeppo, and joins d'E in the chase*

*chasing Ripley *

*pries the last candy wrapper from the sleeping Mindspring's hand and scratches Ripley's tummy*

They're so sweet when they're asleep.

*starts reshelving the books that the hyper unaus threw all over the floor*

d'E, I think Zeppo is under that table in the corner reading a book about dinosaur bones.

I'll need to make a shopping list. There is no food in the library...no food in the portal. Who ever heard of a library without a stash of chocolate-covered nuts?

I am definitely too old to spend an entire day chasing unaus. From now on, I'll fix them spinach salad for a treat.

Yup, spinach is their usual diet. At least in the salon it is.

*looks down at the motionless Mindspring* If you have a cabinet you can store carb-laden foods in, you'll be safe from now on.

Whew! I'm not used to excitement like that either. I wonder where Mindspring learned the new tap style?

*enters the library carrying a hugh bag and proceeds to unload it onto Hypatia's desk*

new lock for desk drawer to replace one broken by Mindspring

new lock for portal cabinet to replace one broken by Ripley

new doors for microwave and minifridge to replace ones torn off by Ripley, Mindspring and Zeppo

sandpaper, wood filler, stain, brush, varnish to remove teethmarks from table legs

Renuzit to remove ground in coffee cake icing from oriental rug

Oxi Clean to remove cinnamon stains from draperies

Orange oil furniture polish

Canned air to remove crumbs from keyboards

Book on the care and feeding of unaus

assorted bags of chocolate-covered nuts

Metal file box with lock to hold chocolate-covered nuts

Cadbury fruit and nut bar *hesitates then slips it into his pocket*

bag of Hershey Kisses with almonds

bag of Dole tropical fruit and sesame stick snack mix

8-year-old fruitcake in tin

fifth of Beefeaters

6-pack of Schwepps bitter lemon

chewing gum

large plate of snickerdoodles, triple bagged

That should do it. I'm just going to start my barbecue sauce simmering so it will be ready for the cookout tomorrow.


*he takes off for the diner, leaving Houndstooth behind to begin the cleanup*

*looks around, noticing things she hadn't seen before due to having her hands full*



They managed to do *that* much damage?

Eh - can I help you clean up, Houndstooth?

Ti, when you work near Houndstooth, it's a good idea to wear a turtleneck.



Keeps an eye on Wolfgang's bot.

*hastily backs away from Houndstooth*

*lowers voice to a whisper*

Any relationship with the Mysterious Stranger?

I'm not sure. Something about him is just not right. Wolfgang says not to worry about him, but...........

You keep an eye on the bot. I'll keep an eye on the fruitcake.

*stops chasing Zeppo*

Can I be in charge of the choclate covered nuts, then?

It's always a good idea for there to be a second key to the nut cabinet. Especially the way I misplace things.

*hands Sol the extra key*

The chocolate-covered macadamia nuts are near the bottom on the right.

Did that fruitcake just vibrate? Couldn't be. Must be my imagination.

*thoughtfully*

What's the incidence of fruitcake in literature? Maybe we could slip it into "Rebecca" just before the house burns down.

Mmmmph mmph mmm mmmmph mmm?

Lil, that's absolutely brilliant. We find books with catastrophes and slip offending articles into them right at the crucial moment.

*notices the fruit cake vibrating again*

I'd better hurry!

(The very LARGE Induhvidual, who has been biding his time whilst the mayhem with the unaus occurred, steps forward and bends very low in order to come eye-to-eye with Hypatia.)

[LARGE] Pawdon me, Mum, but is that REALLY a fruitcake in yon tin? Mum, if it's not too dear a loss, and as not to be wasteful by sending it into pawts unknown, might I trouble you for the pleasure of tasting the morsel?

(He cocks his head to one side, examining the tin and its purported contents, and notices the slight vibration of the canister. His hungry little beatific smile falters for a mere second, then he renews his mild avarice in the thought of consuming the confection. He turns back to Hypatia.)

[LARGE] It occurs to me, Mum, that there's benefit to both parties if you were to let me have the fruitcake. It seems a might unstable at this point, and if there's any portent of harm in it, perhawps it would be best for me to consume it. Cawst iron stomach, says me friends. Years of eating our Nanny's fare of meals, I'd suppose. But it wouldn't hurt me none, Mum, to dispose of the likes of such a thing. What say ye?

Well, I'm not sure it's safe. but if you wouldn't mind stepping through that door over there to eat it....and if youagree to eat ALL of it...then I suppose it would be ok.

*keys in the password to the outer door and hands the 'fruitcake' to the giant as he passes through*

I'll just close this door while you have your snack. Then I'll let you back inside.

*the door closes slowly behind the giant who shakes the fruitcake tin, listens to it, then shrugs and opens it with a fluorish*

:: With a deft flourish (for someone of such stature) the LARGE Induhvidual opened it, and found in it a very small (comparatively) cake, on which the words "Eat Me" were beautifully marked in currants. His tongue fairly lolled out, glistening, before he caught hold of his manners and retracted it. He snapped the tin upward, dislodging the little cake, flinging it into the gaping maw that was his mouth. He'd only gotten the first bite settled when his whole body shuddered and folded in on itself. In the blink of an eye, the LARGE Induhvidual was transformed into a miniscule mite.::

[LARGE] Oh, my! Oh, no! Oh, well...

*rushes through the portal door, not bothering to put on her shoes, toward the spot where Large is suppposed to be*

Oh no! Where are you?

*feels something wiggling under her bare foot and quickly raises it*