h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*the away team beam onto the planets surface, hesitating for a second to see if they can hear any ticking coming from the planet that might suggest it blowing up..*

Croz, do you think....you could possibly use one of those stethoscope thingies.....on the planet surface..so if it starts to tick we can leg it...?

*E shouts of Pr. C. Tonks before he goes into the tourist trap completely unprepared & alone*

Hey! Wait up! You'll need us...it's not as if it's our first away mission....it's our......umm............umm.............................

how many were there last series?

*Meanwhile, Affy has been wandering through the museum. For someone who should seem impressed with text adventures of any kind, he is actually fairly bored looking*

Well, this is neat, but it can't beat Infocom games.

*Turns around and sees a sign advertising "Infocom Game Sale!"*

Hmm. Very strange.


This place might be better if there was an exact duplicate of the hard maze from Adventure, and instead of having the vending machine giving you batteries, it would give you a teleporter button leading back to the entrance to the maze.


*Affy turns around. Sure enough, the next sign he sees says "Exact duplicate of the hard maze from Adventure! Complete with vending machine, which will vend a free ticket to play the maze again!"*

Oh, I get it now.

*Affy grins. He figures out how the planet works, and it's one major flaw: never tempt someone who's greatest temptation is a game that incourages testing every possibility until you solve the puzzle*

This is okay. I'll be alright. I'll just need to exit.

*Affy turns, and sees that the exit isn't there. A sign by where the exit was says "Back in ten minutes"*

Oh. Well, this is odd. Hopefully, the guys won't come trying to rescure me. Wait a second. Yes, they would.

*Sighs*


If only this place had a "Frobozz Magic Viewer" allowing you to see where your nearest allies were


*A Frobozz Magic Viewer appears, and Affy sees an away team about to enter*

Oh, drat. This isn't good. Oh, well. If this place is as user friendly as it needs to be, I can arrange an exit whenever I want. All I need to do is remember all of the Infocom games I've ever played.

*Starts to think, looking for all of the exit techniques he used in text adventures*

[The Mews are waiting for Affy to be rescued]

*Lying on the floor with a stethoscope listening to the ground*

Surely an earthquake detector would be good for this, then we could just leave it here and get on with saving Affy.

*briefly looks around*

Is it me, or does this place look like Granny's Garden on the Acorn Electron?

Well...I'm not waiting around...

*says Professor C as he puts down his empty teacup...*
*He gets out of the Smallcy, big grins all round, and just walks into the Museum, just like that...*

*turns to Ensign Rouge-Jupon*
Ensign, follow me. I think we need to locate any shifty local types who we could talk to and find out if the planet really *is* going to explode. Ah, there's one now.
*points to shifty-looking local, who immediately runs into a nearby building*
Quick, ensign! After that alien!
*Ensign Rouge-Jupon and Nexus give chase*


*two Rock-Bun troopers stand poised with Raisin-Blasters trained on the doorway in the nearby building*
Shifty-Looking Local:
Rock-Bun1:


*Ensign Rouge-Jupon bursts through the doors, and the Rock-Buns fill him full of high-velocity armour-piercing dried fruit. Nexus dives out of the way and avoids a similar fate*
Crikey! He's a Scone-r!
*Groans all round*

[YK] Mews, Rock-Buns, and Atilla the Hutt. What next, the Wicked Witch of the West?

[Said witch appears]

[Witch] I'll get you!

*Affy snaps his fingers*

I've got it! 'If only this place had the copy right protetion puzzle from Sorcerer.'

*A treasure chest appears in front of Affy, with several buttons on it. The word "Kobold" flashes in midair*

Okay, this shouldn't take too much effort...

*Notices that a small snake is killing several red shirted extras, who are trying to kill it with snowzars*

No no no no no! You don't deal with the snake like that.

*Takes an apple of a nearby tree and throws it at the snake*

That's how you deal with the snake! Don't they teach Advanced Text Adventure skills anymore at Doughnutfleet Academy?

*Meanwhile, Pr. C. Tonks is wandering around inside the Museum.*
*He spies Affy, and walks up to him...*

Hey Affy, how's tricks?
Hmm, what's this thing you've got here?

*Points at the chest...*

[A Mew is briefly visibly in the background. It is unnoticed]

{Beep, beep. Attention. Unidentified Life-Form bearing 180. Advise caution.}
Hmm....

*Pr. C. Tonks places his finger on his Watch, ready to fire...*
*Turns around...and sees...*

Hell, it's that damned pink sphere again!
Mew, do turn it off...

*dusts himself down*
Right then; now I'll outflank those Rock-Buns...


I don't understand.


Eh? Okay; I'll sneak up on those Rock-Buns...


I don't understand.


Hey! This is worse than Legend of the Sword...

Here, try this


Send Redshirts to Rockbun



Ensign Lemming and Ensign Fodder head towards the Rock-bun soldier stamding guard, and are instantly taken out by heavy disruptor fire.


Well that didn't work. I'll try the granny's Garden approach


Throw apple at rockbun



You killed him

Cool!


I don't understand.


Oh, sod off, you.


Same to you, pal.


The cheek!

>Look
At what?

>Use Force
How?

>Use Force Sense
You sense the away team. You can also sense several Rock-Buns and a Mew.

*Looks around*

Oh dear. It's too bad you all showed up. If you hadn't come to rescue me, I would've been able to sneak out by myself. Unfortunately, there's only room for one, and I don't know if the planet's going to fall for the same trick again.

*Pushes a series of buttons on the chest. It pops open, revealing a moldy scroll*

This scroll can transport one person to any other person. One of us can use that, but the rest of us have to think of something else to do.

*Thinks for a moment*

I've got it! Trinity!


This place should have one of the mushrooms and sundials from Trinity in it, except the mushroom should lead out of the museum and back to wherever we parked our ships.


*Affy turns around, and sees a giant mushroom with a closed door on it. He also sees a sundial shadow, several feet from the door*

All we have to do is wait for the shadow to touch the door. Until then, we're safe.

*Suddenly, several interactive fiction villains and monsters appear from thin air*

Man, we just can't catch a break around her, can we?

*Affy pulls out his sword, and is surrounded by The Thief from "Zork One", With from "Spider And Web", and a Cruel Puppet from "Beyond Zork"*

Er, could anyone lend me a hand?

*Unfortunately, everyone else is surrounded by the same types of villains and monsters*

throw masterball at mew

you are not carrying a masterball


Dammit!

[Link holds his sword out and waits for magic to build on it. When it's done, he releases the magic, spinning around and dispatching the bad guys]

[Link] You guys don't play fair!

[He proceeds to single-handedly defeat the bad guys surrounding YQ]

[YQ] Thanks, but I had my lightsaber.

[YC and YK defeat their own bad guys]

[YK] Sure, we can lend you a hand!

*goes back to listening to the ground with a stethescope*

Wait a moment. Don't ask me how but I know Wendy is in that building and she's in trouble (namely tied to an anti-galaxy bomb).