h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*knocks on wall*

er, can you hear me at all?

Watch, I can hear something,,,why aren't you telling me this yourself?

{Energy resources are low Sir. Cannot detect...}

Hell...

*watches shrinking Shield...*

*shouts as loud as he possibly can to be heard*

THROW AN APPLE AT IT!!!!

[Total damage done to MewMech: 99%]

[Fourth Mew] }Ha! You're not going to get us THAT easily!{

[an apple hits the MewMech]

[Total damage done to MewMech: +100%]

[Fifth Mew] }Yipe! The reserve bombs --{

[Second Mew] }They're gonna blow!{

[The MewMech explodes dazzlingly. When it clears, it reveals four pink bubbles of energy, one red bubble of energy, a tetrahedronal diamond-like gem that shimmers strangely, and a slip of paper. The bubbles of energy fly away rapidly. The slip of paper has two columns of writing. On the left-hand column:]

BEYOND [check mark]
THE
STARS
LIES
EARTH

[On the right-hand column:]
INFINITY
INFINITY
INFINITY
MILKY WAY
MILKY WAY

[The tetrahedronal gem attracts everyone's attention]

*Attracts everyone's attention, that is, except for Afgncaap5 and GL. Veterans of an unhealthy amount of text adventures, they know to watch for it when someone or something drops scraps of parchment. Affy pockets it, and will decide what it means later*

Okay, we know that he was inside something...but we just destroyed what I thought he was in. Unless...is he in that gem?

*For some reason everything briefly becomes brighter so Croz examines his prison, it has sort of has a polished orange crystalline structure*

*Tries communicator*

Croz to away team. If you can hear me I'm trapped in some sort of crystalline structure. I have no idea how I got in here so maybe you can shed some light on the situation for me, and perhaps work out a way of getting me out of here.

Hang on, I'm moving, and everything just went dark again.

*Continuity:*
Erm, Mew, the apple couldn't actually have been thrown throught the CompreMatter Shield.
but you were defeated, so, hey, I"m not arguing...
*...continuity.*

Well, that's that for the MewMech then...
Ah, what's this Gem then?
Watch, examine it...

{Sir, power levels and functionality are at critical, repeat, critical. IMMEDIATE recailibration necessary on Space Station...}

Heck...
Hey, wait a mo...I'm not the real Prof C am I? No, I'm his second COMPIGRAM...which means you're not 'my' real Watch at all! I knew there was something odd about you losing to magic!
Which means, if 'I' folowed my studies right, a good thump should sort you out!

*hits 'his' 'Watch' on the front panel, and hurts his fist...*

Ooow........

[YK] That --

[YC] -- looks --

[YQ] -- like --

[YK] -- a --

[Link, who is now eleven] Shut up and tell us.

[YK] A Mirabilis Gem!

[YC] Mirabili are beutiful, pure white birds, with more power than anything else!

[YQ] They made five Gems, you see, which hold their powers in them, so that no Mirabilis could either

[YK] a) take over the universe, or

[YC] b) lose all their powers.

[YQ] And people can be imprisoned in them. All you need to do is say the name of the gem's shape in English.

[Link] Oh, all right then. [In English with Aurabesh* subtitles] Tetrahedron!

[Croz appears in a burst of pure white light]

[*Aurabesh is the incomprehensible alphabet in Star Wars]

*Afgncaap5, an adventurer to the very heart, comes to an abrupt decision. He points in the opposite direction of the gem*

Hey everybody! What's that?

*Everyone's heads turn to look at the blank wall Affy was pointing at. By the time any of them manage to turn their heads around, Affy has put the gem in his Trophy Case 1 attachment (an item on his belt the can, through an amazing display of science, shrink any item, and put it inside the Trophy Case 1. Like the Trophy Case from Zork 1, items can only be removed by the owner of the case (in this case, Affy). When everyone turns around, Affy is staring at the blank wall*

Well, I'll be. It was there just a second ago...I wonder how it did that? Oh, well. I'm sure we'll figure it out later! Now, let's get out of here and back to the Esirpretne!

[The bubbles of energy head for the planet "The"]

*Before leaving, Affy remembers the scrap of paper he picked up. Affy pulls it out, and examines it*

Hmmm. "Beyond The Stars Lies Earth", and "Infinity Infinity Infinity Milky Way Milky Way". Beyond has a check mark by it...we're on the planet Beyond...in the Infinity galaxy...Earth is in the Milky Way galaxy...hang on a sec...

*Affy checks the records on his watch*

Okay, accoding to my records (one of the few components that don't appear damaged on my watch, due to the strange nature of this planet), there is a planet in the Milky Way galaxy called "Lies". Unless I miss my guess, this is some kind of hit sheet, or To Do list, or something. Those Mews are up to something, and from the looks of it, they've accomplished it on this planet. All we have to do to figure out what they're up to is go to the "The" planet, assuming it exists in the galaxy.

*Affy thinks about this some more, before taking the map, and creating all the required passages to exit the maze. Affy then hands the map to GL, and walks out of the room*

I'm going back to the CLI Mini-UFO, and I'll be using it to get to the Esirpretne, GL. I'll leave one of the Mini-Scout units behind so that you can get back, too. I just have to get back to my quarters and...do some analysis on something...

*Hopes no one figures out what happened to the gem*

Anyway, I'll use the Aimfiz scroll to get back to the CLI-Mini UFO. GL, you can probably use the puzzle in the end of Zork II to get out. You know, turning off all of the lights to reveal the secret exit.

*Starts to leave*

Oh, and thanks for coming to rescue me.

*Affy walks out of the maze, and sees a gigantic battle: a mist-like substance (probably the Unseen Terror) battling all of the monsters and villains. The two groups seem to be destroying each other*

Well. That'll teach this Galaxy not to mess with Text Adventurers!

*Affy takes the AIMFIZ scroll from the treasure chest, casts the spell, and vanishes back to the CLI Mini-UFO. He leaves behind one of the mini-scouts for GL, and rushes back to the Esirpretne, eager to examine the gem*

I'll put it in my collection. Right between The Wishbringer stone, and The Crocodile's Tear...

Well, that's that done then...

*nurses his hand...*

My (fake) Watch is still losing power and systems, so...

*looks around...*

...I think I'll take that exit over there in the wall.

*strolls outside, and climbs into the Smallcy, where he puts the v/_\3 on, and sends the ship up to fly beside the Esirpretne...*

*Croz, Wendy and a load of spare red shirts beam back aboard the Esirpretne. It appears that Croz is being hit with a bag* Back to the ship: http://www.h2g2.com/F37895?thread=68810&latest=1