Lightbulb Jokes - Part IX
Created | Updated Dec 15, 2009
Lightbulb Jokes contributed by Roasted Amoeba
Back to So Long And Thanks For Laughing or Previous Lightbulb Jokes
How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
Three, but they're really only one.
200!!! 100 to sit in church and pray long sonorous
prayers for it to see the light again, 10 to stand on
street corners and point out to others how that if they
don't accept what they're being told, their light might
go out as well, 3 to try and exorcise the demon of
darkness out of the light bulb, 2 to gather together in
"the name of the lord" because where two or more are
gathered together in "his" name....., 10 to write to the
alt.satanism newsgroup to inform them that one of their
own lights is having trouble paying the electric bill
(as if that'll convince us all to change our beliefs),
74 to try and convince it to publicly "admit" its sins
so the lord can make it bright again, and 1 true idiot
telling the light bulb that if it really wants to be
saved that all it has to do is accept some paper god and
pledge it 10% of its income and at least 1 day a week of
time and at least insult and generally bug 5+ people a
day recounting how "I used to be a satanist" (no, really
- gasp) and now I've found the light. Yes, do all of
this - and the light will just, by the will of god, come
back on - unless god is just "testing" the light bulb,
then it may stay dark forever.
How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old
one to go back on.
How many scientologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but if you want a cleared bulb it'll take years and
years and set you back a quarter million bucks.
How many pro-lifers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: one to do it and one to insist that the bulb was
lit when the screwing began.
Six: two to screw in the bulb and 4 to testify that it
was lit from the moment they began screwing.
Nine: four to block the entrance to the room, four to
hold up pictures of burnt-out bulbs, and one to try and
convince the person with the new bulb to let the room
stay dark.
How many pro-choicers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, one to do it and one to assert that the bulb didn't
exist before it was lit up.
How many Necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
None. Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs.
Only one. Oh, excuse me, could you please test the
socket with your finger while I go get a new bulb?"
How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?
As many as it takes to make a pile big enough to climb on to
reach the bulb.
Students etc
How many kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, if you beat them down, douse them with lighter fluid,
and throw them in a fire.
How many Purdue engineering students does it take to change a
light bulb?
One, and he gets three credit-hours for it.
How many Princeton students does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, one to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician.
How many Brown students does it take to change a light bulb?
Eleven, one to change the light bulb and ten to share the
experience.
How many Dartmouth students does it take to change a light bulb?
None, Hanover doesn't have electricity.
How many Cornell students does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, one to change the light bulb and one to crack under the
pressure.
How many Columbia students does it take to change a light bulb?
Seventy-six, one to change the light bulb, fifty to protest
the light bulb's right to not change, and twenty-five to hold
a counter-protest.
How many Yale students does it take to change a light bulb?
None, New Haven looks better in the dark.
How many Harvard/Oxford students does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
Just one. He grabs the bulb and waits for the world to
revolve around him.
How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him
to get it done.
It all depends on the size of the grant.
Two and a professor to take credit.
1/100. A graduate student needs to change 100 light
bulbs a day.
I don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my
advisor a $100,000 grant of the taxpayer's money, and
I'm sure he can tell me how to do the work for him so he
can take the credit for answering this incredibly vital
question.
How many college students does it take to change a light bulb?
I dunno, I forgot my calculator at home.
How many university students does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to fuse all the electrics while doing something
silly, and one
How many gas fitters does it take to change a light bulb?
Three: One to turn up the day before when you're out, one to
change the switch, and one to bring along the wrong kind of
bulb.
How many builders does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but I'll 'ave to take out yer rafters and 'ave a go at
yer damp an'all missus. Gi's a week or two and I'll drop
round some numbers.
How many Romanians does it take to change a light bulb?
60,000 dead and 300,000 injured.
None: Ceaucescu restricted them to use only one 40 watt
bulb per family to save electricity.
How many packs of cigarettes are you willing to give
them?
How many tourists does it take to change a light bulb?
Six: One to hold the bulb and five to ask for directions.
What did the light bulb say to the fuse?
That's a blow !
How many rednecks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Six. They all beat the hell out of it, leave it lying in
a dark alley and brag about it in the pub afterwards.
One, it only takes one person to use a hammer.
Three, one to change the bulb, one to take care of the
sheep, and one to observe and try to think why he isn't
tending to the sheep's needs.
Two, one to drive their home to the hardware store and
one to buy the bulb and screw it in.
How many trainspotters does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change it, one to write its serial number down,
and one to bring the anoraks and the flask of soup.
How many Blue Peter presenters does it take to change a light
bulb?
Two. One to change it, and one to turn the old one into
an attractive Christmas tree decoration.
One to make the new bulb out of an empty loo roll and
sticky back plastic.
How many people on Get Stuffed does it take to change a light
bulb?
Four. Two to trot merrily down to the shops to buy a new one,
of whom person 1 then rips it unceremoniously out of its
packaging and person 2 starts to do the changing, and the 2
"Mystery Chefs" to interrupt and tell us he's doing it all
wrong.
How many A & R men does it take to change a light bulb?
None. "We're not changing any light bulbs at the
moment."
None. "Well, I'm going to go out on a beam on this one,
but I liked it better without the light bulb."
How many spies does it take to change a light bulb?
Why bother? spies like to do everything in the dark anyway.
How many Amish does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, one to hold the bulb and the other to tell him it's against the will of God.
Amish don't have light bulbs. They bake pies.
1
How many NSC members does it take to change a light bulb?
We can't say.
Three, in fourteen countries.
2
How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
3
How many gypsies does it take to change a light bulb?
None, but you lose a lot of light bulbs.
4
How many Martians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One and a half.
Why did the light bulb fall out of the tree?
Cos it was doing an impersonation of the sun, setting.
Cos Christmas tree decorations are always cheap and nasty.
Cos it was autumn. 5
Dogs
Dog Lightbulb jokes contributed by Bluebottle
How many dogs does it take to change a lightbulb???
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our
whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid
burned-out light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to
code.
Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!
Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it.
By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!
Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .
Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can
I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute: Let the Border collie do it.. You can feed me while he's busy.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the
dark.
Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got a hangover.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there...
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was
a light bulb?
| So Long, And Thanks For Laughing |
1The Amish are a people, also known as the "Pennsylvania Dutch", who mostly (though not exclusively) live in southeastern Pennsylvania and are noted for their religion. They adhere to a strict code of living that forbids usingsuch modern conveniences as electricity and automobiles, and indeed often look and act as if they were time travelers from the early nineteenth century (they drive around in horse and buggy carts). They are descended from German Protestant immigrants of that time (hence the "Dutch" as the immigration people misunderstood "Deutsch", the answer they gave for nationality). Their quaint lifestyle draws many people to SE PA every year, where they often have a chance to sample their sweet pies and cakes. Hence the joke.2The NSC is the US National Security Council, whose rubric Oliver North was acting under, and which is often accused by people such as Gore Vidal of secretly governing the country.3 "Supply-siders" were the force behind Reagan's early reforms, and their economic theories were just like those of Thatcher (only the Thatcherites were more extreme). They believed that if they shifted the focus of government economic policy to stimulating supply rather than demand, the business cycle would be stopped at an agreeable point and inflation would be permanently whipped. Obviously, it didn't quite work out that way.4None because gypsies don't have mains electricity, and the losing is a play on the larcenous reputation of Gypsies. You give a Gypsy a light bulb and ask him to change the hallway lamp, pretty soon you have one less light bulb and the hallway lamp is still out.5(Thus combining the twin themes of light bulb jokes and jokes about things falling out of trees...)
