Lightbulb Jokes - Part II
Created | Updated Dec 15, 2009
Lightbulb Jokes contributed by Roasted Amoeba
Back to So Long And Thanks For Laughing or Lightbulb Jokes - Part I
Jobs...
How many KGB agents does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it in and the other to check it for microphones.
How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb?
10,000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution.
How many Maoists does it take to change a light bulb?
One to screw in the bulb and a thousand to chant "Fight Darkness!"
How many English law students does it take to change a light bulb?
100. 1 to change the bulb, and 99 to argue with each other about the fact that Section 16 (2)(a) of the 1968 Theft Act has been repealed.
How many IBM CPU's does it take to turn on a light bulb?
33 - 1 to process the instruction and 32 to process the interrupt.
How many nerds does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They don't have time. They are too busy taking pictures of themselves in their office.
How does an engineer change a light bulb?
As long as lighting levels are within operational parameters, he doesn't !
How many aerospace engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. It doesn't take a rocket scientist, you know.
How many rocket scientist does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None they just tell Marcus to do it.
How many electrical engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
We don't know yet. They're still waiting on a part.
How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. "We'll fix it in software."
How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. "We'll document it in the manual."
None. It's a hardware problem.
One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down.
Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.
Four. One to design the change, one to implement it, one to document it, and one to maintain it afterwards.
Four, plus one senior analyst to manage the project, one technical writer to correct the spelling and grammar of the one who documented it, one light bulb librarian, a sales-force of at least five to drum up enough users who want to turn the light on, 274 users to burn out the new bulb, at which point we go to tender for another light bulb change,...
Five. Two to write the specification program, one to screw it in, and two to explain why the project was late.
Wait! Maybe the bulb isn't broken. Let's try it again.
It's hard to say. Each time we separate the bulb into its modules to do unit testing, it stops working.
The change is 90% complete.
We looked at the light fixture and decided there's no point trying to maintain it. We're going to rewrite it from scratch. Could you wait two months?
Only one, but she's not available. She's the only programmer we have who can get the "insert name here" software ready to ship to customers, and that's higher priority, you know.
Of course, as everyone knows, just five years ago all it took was a bunch of kids in a garage in Palo Alto to change a light bulb.
How many software testers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. We just recognized darkness, fixing it is someone else's problem.
How many real programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Real programmers prefer LEDs.
How many maintenance programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They try to fix the old one.
How many C programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they forgot to declare it first
How long does it take a C programmer to screw in a light bulb?
24 hours - 3 minutes to put in the bulb, the rest of the time to compile all the libraries.
How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
You're still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class, so all you'd have to do is send a light bulb change message.
At least a dozen, but it's impossible to tell which one it is, because they're all pointing at each other going "That's me, over there !"
How many Object Oriented programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they send it a message, and it changes itself.
How many Microsoft Visual C++ programmers does it take ....
400. 1 to change the bulb, 50 to write a magazine about it, 50 to write a help file about it, 50 to code a little gadget so when you hit the bulb it will announce all the names of the team involved, 50 to go down to the drinks machine and get everyone their can of coke, 50 to show off about how installing a light bulb for Bill has made them paper millionaires, 1 to answer the phone at the help desk ("Putting you through to our light bulb expert sir... click"), 148 to pad out the pictures in the "Light Bulb - how we did it" magazine.
How many people does it take to change an object-oriented light bulb?
Change it? Aw shucks, I was going to reuse it.
How many FORTRAN programs does it take to change a light bulb?
1.00000000001
How many BASIC programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
10 push bulb upwards:twist bulb clockwise 20 goto 10
How many games machine programmers does it take to screw in a light-bulb?
One, but he needs the seal of approval from Nintendo before he can put his light-bulb in their socket.
How many Prolog programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
False.
How many Lisp programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
Hmmm, I'm not sure, better find out.... Hmmm, I'm not sure, better find out....
Note: LISP is a recursive programming language. One problem LISP programmers have to contend with is infinite recursion. (cf computer dictionary entry: recursion - see recursion) These lisp heads are usually research AI types and their standard answer is as in the punchline. It could be improved:
(((H)mmm,) (I'm ((not) sure, better))) (find (out))...
How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
How many tech writers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. "The user can work it out."
How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?
The light bulb works fine on the system in my office . . .
How many computer salespeople does it take to change a light bulb?
None. You don't need a new lightbulb - you need to upgrade your socket to the Pentium II version.
How many software vendors does it take to change a light bulb?
None: You have to do it yourself, pay them $99 for the privilege, and re-wire your sockets to suit the new bulb.
How many field service engineers does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
Who can tell. FSE's are always in the dark.
Two. One to hold the bulb and one to pound it in (etc)
Well, the diagnostics all check out fine, so it's a software problem.
How long will it take?
That's indeterminate. It depends on how many dead bulbs they've brought with them.
What if you have two dead bulbs?
They replace your fuse box.
How many system administrators does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just deny everyone access to the area served by the light bulb in question.
How many IBM staff does it take to change a light bulb?
IBM staff don't change light bulbs - they add value to photon emitter units.
How many IBM engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They just let Marketing explain that "Dead Bulb" is a feature.
How many IBM programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
33. One to change the lightbulb and the other 32 to write 14 volumes of documentation of which half consists of pages containing only "This page left intentionally blank" and the other half definitions such as " 'bulb' can be defined as a glass and metal object with certain electrical properties (see volume IX, "The Electrical Properties Of A Bulb Used For Illumination") designed to mate with a housing integral to the ceiling referred to as a "socket" (see volume VII, "Bayonet Cap Sockets" and volume VIII, "Edison Screw Sockets"; if uncertain of the socket type please see volume II, "Lighting Sockets - A Preliminary Identification Guide")"
How many IBM PC owners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but he'll have to go out and buy the light bulb adaptor card first, which is extra.
Two. One to do it, but one to check the new bulb for viruses first.
How many IBM tech writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one, provided there's an engineer around to explain how to do it.
100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None - it will be fined (fixed ?) in the next version.
They aren't certain, everytime they do the math, they get a different number.
1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people.
Three. One to screw in the bulb and the other to hold the ladder....
586 of them, and it will take them a year from the moment you convince them that the light bulb is not functioning per the spec.
How many Microsoft engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They just define darkness as an industry standard.
How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a light bulb?
One - but Bill Gates must inspect every single bulb and socket before the operation is started.
Eight: one to work the bulb and seven to make sure Microsoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.
How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Three: two holding the ladder and one to screw the bulb into a faucet.
Note: Very similar to the bureaucrats joke.
How many MS tech supports does it take to change a light bulb?
"The light bulb doesn't work? You must be using a non-standard socket."
How many operating systems are required to screw in a light bulb?
Just one-Microsoft is making a special version of Windows for it.
How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
471. One to write WinGetLight BulbHandle, one to write WinQueryStatusLight Bulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle...
How many Windows users does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but she/he'll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy for him as it would be for a Macintosh user.
How many Macintosh engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None - it has to be done by a local authorized dealer.
How many Apple employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Seven. One to screw it in and six to design the tee-shirts.
How many Apple programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but why bother? Your light socket will just be obsolete in six months anyway.
How many Mac owners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None - there's no documentation available, so you have to wait until a third-party supplier comes out with a solution.
Did you try rebooting with extensions off?
Just one, but the new light bulbs aren't compatible with the old sockets, so he has to buy a complete upgrade or a new light.
Two: One to ask the socket to eject the old bulb, and one to insert the new one.
Three: One to change the bulb, one to copyright the method for changing the bulb, and one to call in the lawyers on anyone who infringes on the "look and feel" of the bulb changing method.
How many Apple and IBM nuts does it take to change a light bulb?
An infinite number: nothing useful gets done while they're arguing. Finally a disgusted generic computer user (who will use any type that is in front of him) gets up and changes the bulb, elbowing the participants aside. The size of the crowd arguing seems to be a function of time, although whether or not the function is exponential is not known.
How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.
One, but first he has to determine the correct path.
How many Unix programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but if you forget to tell him "2>" he'll mash both the live and dead bulbs into the same socket at once.
How many Unix Support staff does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Read the man page!
How many Unix system vendors does it take to change a light bulb?
None. All of the light bulbs you have are 'standard variants' and as such won't fit your particular implementation of the socket. ( However you do have the source code for your socket, so .....)
How many VMS heads does it take to change a light bulb?
All of them, and they will all scream at you in unison and tell you that the only light bulb you can use is a 100-watt soft white but you can use any 100-watt soft white as long as it's manufactured by DEC.
"Errr... Well, I've got a patch that I could apply to it, but if you can just wait till next year, it'll all be fixed when we upgrade to light bulb version 6.1..."
How many DEC employees does it take to change a light bulb?
92 - As follows:
2 People - Preliminary discussion of concept change.
1 Person - Devise and write formal bulb architecture.
2 People - Feasibility study and timetable of events.
2 People - Produce four utilities to reduce screw-in time (in addition to the electric utility).
1 Person - Maintain ISO and DEC standards (sockets, voltage, AC/DC).
4 People - Commonality task force on bulb change.
15 People - Change bulb.
5 People - Perform bulb functional test.
2 People - Perform bulb load test.
3 People - Perform bulb regression test.
1 Person - Perform bulb performance analysis.
1 Person - Perform bulb bottleneck analysis.
1 Person - Follow-up study (bulb merge feasibility).
1 Person - Interface with Utilities Commission.
1 Person - Interface with users. (Did they want incandescent when we only supply non-tunable fluorescent point product?) BAX (Bulbs Are eXpensive)!
5 People - Perform BOSE (Build Other Socket Enhancements) compatibility/architecture study.
3 People - Ensure form (round/square, clear/frosted) follows function (wattage, 120/140 volts, visible/ultraviolet, flashing, flood/spot).
3 People - Implement temporary alternative bulb socket for already (!?) existing, successful, and profitable socket (bulb-in-one).
5 People - Determine how to market/package/distribute temporary alternative bulb socket.
10 People - Determine how to perform bulb change product split (control - switches, dimmers; versus implementation - screw-in torque, recovery strategies).
1 Person - Interface with Utilities Commission quality assurance group.
1 Person - Submit to BDC (Bulb Distribution Center).
1 Person - Set up BPR (Bulb Problem Reports) system.
10 People - Answer customer BPRs.
11 People - Football team to challenge bulb changers.
How long does it take a DEC repairman to change a light bulb?
It depends on how many burnt-out light bulbs he brought with him.
How many baby sitters does it take to change a light bulb?
None, They don't make Pampers small enough.
How many editors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but first they have to rewire the entire building.
Two - one to change the bulb and one to issue a rejection slip to the old bulb.
How many managing editors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
You were supposed to have changed that light bulb last week!
How many art directors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Does it have to be a light bulb?
How many copyeditors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
The last time this question was asked, it involved art directors. Is the difference intentional? Should one or the other instance be changed? It seems inconsistent.
How many proofreaders does it take to change a light bulb?
Proofreaders aren't supposed to change light bulbs. They should just query them.
How many cover artists does it take to change a light bulb?
Why is there...an eggbeater, I think?...sticking out of this light fixture?
How many cover blurb writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A VAST AND TEEMING HORDE STRETCHING FROM SEA TO SHINING SEA!!!!
How many publishers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw it in. Two to hold down the author.
How many journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a pulitzer prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a light bulb assassin to break the bulb in the first place.
How many computer journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five-one to write a review of all the existing light bulbs so you can decide which one to buy, another one to write a remarkably similar one in another magazine the next month, a third to have a big one come out on glossy paper two months later that is by then completely out of date, a fourth to hint in his/her column that a completely new and updated bulb is coming out, and the fifth to report a rumor that that new bulb is shipping with a virus.
How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
1/3 as many as for a regular bulb.
How many cafeteria staff does it take to change a light bulb?
Sorry, we closed 18 seconds ago, and I've just cashed up.
How many waiters does it take to change a light bulb?
None, even a burned out bulb can't catch a waiter's eye.
How many waitresses does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. Two to stand around bitching about it and one to go get the manager.
How many librarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
I don't know, but I can look it up for you.
How many cataloguers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but the Library of Congress has to do it first.
How many loggers does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but he uses a chainsaw.
They can't do it, the light will disturb the spotted owls.
Note: This is based on recent successful environmentalist pressures to stop logging in the NW U.S. to protect the endangered spotted owl species.
How many Dixons assistants does it take to change a light bulb?
Err. Nahh, it's MEANT to go dark after a few weeks. It's a new fangled addition. It's been developed by, er, (etc...)
How many pawnbrokers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. It's of no interest to them.
How many grocery store cashiers does it take to change a light bulb?
Are you kidding? They won't even change a five dollar bill.
How many London taxi drivers does it take to change a light bulb?
(Cue typical indignant Saaaaf London accent) What? Go all the way up there and come back empty? You must be jokin' mate !
How many firemen does it take to change a light bulb?
Four - one to change the bulb and three to cut a hole in the roof.
How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb?
Six - One to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more bulbs.
Two, one to screw in all the bulbs he has until he finds one that fits, and the other to tell you he thinks he'll have to replace the whole socket.
How many Mafia members does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the light bulb and one to kill the witness.
How many teamsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Eighteen, you got a problem with that?
How many Honor Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb?
22, one to screw it in, 21 to shoot the bulb.
How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb?
50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him.
How many fighter pilots does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one because the world revolves around him.
How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. It turned itself in.
None, it fell down the stairs, sir.
Just one, but he is never around when you need him.
How many hunters does it take to screw a light bulb into a left-handed socket?
There is no such thing as a left-handed socket, but if they could screw right they would not be hunters.
How many hunt sabs does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to do it and two to clean the muddy footprints off the carpet and the chair he was standing on.
How many LA cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Six-one to do it and five to smash the old bulb to splinters.
How many bailiffs does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten. One to change it, one to hit you in the kidneys, and 8 to stand around such that none of this gets caught on camera.
How many Spinks handlers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five. 1 to actually screw in the light bulb, 1 to carry him out of the ring, 1 to tell him who put the lights out, 2 to count the money, and it all only takes 91 seconds!
How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. There never was any light bulb.
How many disaster recovery planners does it take to change a light bulb?
None. If you will all evacuate to our backup facilities in West Perth you will find that our backup bulb is already glowing brightly and was brought up only one hour after notification of failure of the primary bulb.
How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it in and one to screw it up.
Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
Five - one to change the light bulb and the other four to fill out the Environmental Impact Statement.
One to spot the burned-out bulb, his supervisor to authorize a requisition, a requisition typist, twelve clerks to file the requisition copies, a mail clerk to deliver the requisition to the purchasing department, a purchasing agent to order the bulb, a clerk to forward the purchasing order, a clerk to mail-order a receiving clerk to receive the bulb....
Seven-- one to supervise, one to arrange for the electricity to be shut off, one to make sure that safety and quality standards are maintained, one to monitor compliance with local, state, and federal regulations, one to manage personnel relations, one to fill out the paperwork and one to screw the light bulb into the water faucet.
Just one. But she gets promoted three times before she finally finishes screwing it up.
None, we contract out for things like that.
How many safety inspectors does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change it and three to hold the ladder.
How many civil servants does it take to change the light bulb?
45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
How many city planners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Six - four to write an extensive study recommending a three-way 100/200/250 watt light bulb, one to write an article in the newspaper praising the study, and one to put in a 10 watt blub instead.
How many municipal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Seven - two to administer the Civil Service examination for the Light Bulb Administrator position, the Commissioner of Public Works, who ends up hiring his brother for the position anyway, one to plow the mayor's driveway, a Summer Youth student to actually screw it in, and a Union steward to protest that its the electrician's job to screw in light bulbs.
| So Long, And Thanks For Laughing |
